Fancy stores are now adding bleach packets to their clothing that explodes if you try to steal them

Police say it’s a great a crime detergent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLaBolle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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I was driving and I saw a packet of crisps and I asked β€œwant a lift?”

They said β€œno thanks we’re walkers”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeTramp7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Next time you see a packet of salt at a restaurant, throw it at your friend.

Then say, β€œThat’s a salt!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I wanted to dress up as a UDP Packet for Halloween

But I’m not sure if anyone will get it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Th7rtyFour
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers?

Russell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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I tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were.

But I just couldn't get the message across.

Edit: I wish I knew more about networking so I could understand all these jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Offilious
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2016
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"If you take a cigarette out of a cigarette packet, what does it become?"

A cigarette lighter.

He thought it was outrageously funny when we collectively groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Klimmekkei
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2014
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Man: Doctor, I ate one of those β€œDo not Eat” silica packets by accident. Am I going to die?

Doctor: Well, everyone will die eventually.

Man: Everyone? Oh God, What have I done?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour

She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcheckpointeh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Why do people shake sugar packets before opening them?

Because it would be dumb to shake them afterwards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItalianBall
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet "...been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals" Dad snaps back

"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."

Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dude0311
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
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A guy offers 2 crisp packets a lift

They say no thanks, we're Walkers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanadianCacon
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My brother read that his packet of butter was Grade AA

My dad said, "wouldn't that make Grade AAA even better?"

I said, "it would make it even smaller."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/msargo15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
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How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?

Multiply

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πŸ‘€︎ u/S3rgeus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Lovely needles. This packet of needles is lovely. As the saying goes: "You've got to be crewel to be kind." i.reddituploads.com/b8650…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/realmofconfusion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2016
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.

One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.

"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible

So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J

J: You u should tie up your shoes

Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays

J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)

Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)

Conversation deviates

Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard

J: nah

Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZmentAdverti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Making my morning rounds in hospital when I ask a patient how his breakfast was. "The eggs and sausage were fine, but the Kentucky Jelly was awful," he replied. "What 'Kentucky Jelly'?" I ask.

Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Due to coronavirus, applications are being moved from TCP to UDP.

To avoid handshakes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itsimpleismart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is Beef a bad password

It’s not stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RetireRateRat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Just bought some extra strong mints.

Having a hard time getting them out of the packet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't use"beef stew" as your password.

Because it's not Stroganoff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerogivin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A bear walks into a bar, and says "I'll have a pint of beer, please...............

........................................ and a packet of peanuts."

"Okay," says the barman. "But why the big pause?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gazcobain
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joke #1 for me! My dad is learning... Oh lord.

My dad called me out of my room, asked me what I was doing and I told him I was revising (insert quote marks around that for yourself if you'd like). He asks me to look in the car and there's a whole crate full of packets of salt that are all leaking. That sounds weird, and to be honest it is, but my dad works at a supermarket and gets to take home faulty merchandise so I though nothing of it. He asks me to move it all into the garage, so I do so.

Then he tells me: "Actually, put it in the shed". Now I'm confused since we don't have a shed, and so I asked him what he meant. He tells me, "The one in the old house". We own two houses - our first one, and our new one, so I thought alright that's enough; the house is a half-hour walk and I honestly cannot be bothered for him asking me to walk that half an hour whilst I could be revising so I get a bit mad and just tell him straight.

He gives me a little smile and just says "Don't get salty and start shedding tears, I'll do it then". He gives me a little smile and just walks off. I'm honestly so glad I'm moving away for uni next year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChardRardZard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife phoned me while away.

"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?"

I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact."

"What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!"

I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Whenever we go on holiday, I never bring my plastic bag.

I always forget to packet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditingDino
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A Pink-Backed Pelican waddles into a bar...

He orders two pints of lager, a shot of whiskey and a packet of salted cashews. The bartender says, β€œAnd how will you be paying for all this?” The Pink-Backed Pelican ruffles his feathers and replies, β€œPut it on my bill.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EllisDeWald
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
I can paralyse a pidgeon...

...if I put salt on it's tail, is what my dad told me. I spent an entire summer in France running down pidgeons with salt packets (conveniently supplied by my dad).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KSKaleido
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Got my mom with cookies.

Mom: "Oh that's good, only 130 calories for the whole packet" Me: "Why would you eat the packet?" Dad: laughs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theswingingman97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Eating with my parents at a diner...

And I'm dancing to a song when my mom asks me if this is my "jam". Without hesitation I pointed to the stack of strawberry jam packets and said "No, THIS is my jam!"

You guys trained me well :')

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjanuary
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad's response to the cigarette joke

Told my dad about the cigarette joke posted on here yesterday. Here's the link. His response was "If you took two cigarettes out and put them side by side they'd be a match!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/taj693
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad and I were at the grocery store.....

......we are almost done and by the dried herbs. He turns to me seriously and says, "I've just got to do one thing before we check out ..."

Me: "ok, what?" (I'm about 14 at the time)

Dad: " I've just got to take a leek".

He grabs the dried leeks packet, nonchalantly flips it into the cart and saunters off.

Not only did he nail the delivery, but he pulled a Costanza.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwirlieWhirlie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
🚨︎ report
So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Talking about a dinosaur's diet

Me: "My brother is on the paleo diet at the moment - Perhaps it similar - He keeps eating chicken on it's own from the packet."

Colleague: "Well I think in dinosaur times they didn't have packaging and Sainsbury's and the like."

Me: "No I suppose not, and they didn't really have fire either, so cooking was pretty much out of the question unless they had induction."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cronnyberg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Good one by my friend.

We were having breakfast yesterday and he was mindlessly eating this grape jelly packet. In a joking/mocking way I asked him how his jelly was, until he replied "its pretty grape".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linxmau09
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Few years old but still my favourite.

While on the road in our motor home, there was a fly buzzing about inside the van and it landed next to my father on the window. Without hesitation he grabbed his packet of cigarettes and slammed it down on the fly. My dad then proceeded to say "Smoking Kills" and continued driving.

Just something I remember from when I was younger. Ah, good times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSeanicles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Friend passes me some sachets of ketchup

"I'm experiencing packet loss"

^It's ^a ^networking ^term ^joke ^my ^friend ^dropped ^lastnight ^at ^maccas

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/polkovniknades
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Cashiering at the supermarket

Since its easter, lots of people buying chocolate eggs.

Two women came up to my checkout with their items, which included a dozen chicken eggs and a few packets of chocolate eggs. As I put the chicken eggs in a bag, one of them asked if I'd be able to put the easter eggs in with them too. So of course I asked, "why would you want all of your eggs in one basket?!"

Only one of them got it without me having to explain it... :/

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/takawave
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
🚨︎ report
He got me good this time.

We were at a rugby game and I offered my dad my mints, he took one and put the packet on the floor with a grin. I said why'd you put them there? He replied "they're for Ron." I asked who Ron was He replied with "he's just late." About 30 seconds past and I looked at him dumbfounded and asked him where and who this mysterious Ron is? He picked up the mints ate the last couple and said "I was just saving them for Later on" Edit: not sure I made sense but Later on.... LateRon.... Late Ron ughhhh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcogelato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
🚨︎ report
In class and my instructor drops this on us.

We were talking and joking with our instructor in class when he realized the time and decided we needed to finish our math packet. He quiets us and flops the packet on the table and says "Go forth and multiply."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hewhoovercomes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Eating oatmeal this morning...

Me: "Dad, did you put two packets of Oatmeal in this bowl?" Dad: "Two pack? Isn't that a rapper?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrsjr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
🚨︎ report
Buying herbs from the supermarket

I picked up two packets of thyme, turned to the woman next to me and said "we seem to be always running out of it". She didn't smile

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
🚨︎ report
My buddy told me the cheese he brought round was philosophical and laid back...

The packet said 'deep & mellow'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/failure_fiasco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
🚨︎ report
He's my hero...

Today, me and my Dad were in a sports shop buying some bits and pieces for my return to school after summer. We approach the till and I spot the fiendish twinkle in his eye as an idea is born into his head. He picks up a packet of black socks and to the cashier's horror proceeds to ask "Excuse me, do you know if there are right socks and left socks in here because I want both?" while maintaining a perfectly straight face. In her shock she actually looked through the socks and confirmed they were all pairs. I just walked away in tears of hysteria.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Red_Beech
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
β€œDoc, I ate one of those β€œdo not eat” silica packets. Am I going to die?”

Doctor: Well, everyone will die eventually.

Man: Everyone? What have I done?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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