Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know โ€œtubaโ€ is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Edit: good lord, I didnโ€™t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/coolhandhutch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I had to decide on what method I wanted to use in my house to get to the second floor. The options were stairs or a vertical climbing apparatus

I chose the ladder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WispOG
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rocknocker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Dadjoked my girlfriend on the way to see the band Phish last night.

And this is how the conversation went,

Her: "I really like to discuss politics, I wish you did too."

Me: "I do like to discuss them. I just don't like arguing like you do."

Her: "I don't like to argue, I like debate."

Me: "Yeah, well, so do fish."

We both sensibly chuckled.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Federer45
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
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The long game

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. Thereโ€™s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that theyโ€™re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that theyโ€™re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that theyโ€™re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BloodAngel1982
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2018
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Science joke build up

I work as a salesman in a call center. We were going over some of the more interesting names weโ€™ve seen and called. Without disclosing the last name my neighbor said oh, you havenโ€™t heard of โ€œCytoplasm XXXXXXXโ€? I answered. The guy is a computer programmer who Iโ€™d imagine changed his name to that unless his parents are that cruel. I start rambling off โ€œCytoplasm?? Of all the organelles in a eukaryotic cell to name yourself you pick cytoplasm?! What about Golgi apparatus, or endoplasmic reticulum?โ€ My manager chimes in โ€œwow you memorized a lot from bioโ€ I told her I went to college for science shit but โ€œnow here I am making phone calls as a professional, thanks collegeโ€ to which my neighbor replies.... โ€œI guess now you could say youโ€™re a PROkaryote

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fly_MartinZ
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2018
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SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Light_bulbnz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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