What's the undisputed ruler of all hand tools?
I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:
What did the janitor call the tools he didn't trust?
(courtesy of my 9 y. o. )
Santa Claus announced that he’s giving everyone the same gardening tool for Christmas.
What tool would deal best with a traumatic event?
A surgeon told me a story about how he dropped a tool into a patients stomach once.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
Uh oh... Emergency: you brought me the wrong tool...
This is not a drill... I repeat, this is not a drill!
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
I was having problems with my tools while digging for gold.
They were miner technical difficulties.
My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....
There’s a tool for every job
At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.
Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled “Heater?”.
Gary replies, “Yeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.
I pulled over a truck going 80 miles an hour in a 55 zone. He had a cargo of axe-like tools used for shaping large pieces of wood.
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
"Sir, we can't find the tool for making holes and, consequently, can't proceed. What should we do?"
"It's useless. Give up. Awl is lost."
My lumberjack friend was irate because he had such dull tools to chop trees. So he went to his foreman.
I once tried eating tools
It was a really gut-wrenching experience.
Two tradies were in a drunken fist fight over who's tools are who's.
Guess they were fighting tooth and nail over it.
I created a Linux background process for the Message Analysis Test Tool.
I call it the MATT DAEMON!!!
What is the best tool to make a car move?
I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...
In other words, a pedi-file.
I was tool shopping yesterday, and happened to walk by the stud-finders.
The noise was unbearable.
I got my dad a new tool that helps him remove things he has clamped onto his work bench.
He said he’d never heard of such a de-vice.
It's always important to do an operational check of your tools.
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
There was this shop in my hometown located where two streets met, they sold things like embalming tools and other specialty tools for working on dead bodies. This store was also known as....
What tool do NASA use on satellites?
Did you hear about the new tool they use for ice farming?
It's called an ice-sickle
What is it called when you cut wood with a tool covered in sriracha?
A truck unloaded tons of hand tools into a river...
It is now a screwed river
My friend is always bragging about his woodworking tool like an axe but with the cutting edge perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
Don’t think I’ve ever used a tool of this caliper before.
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
Need help in the garden? Can't carry all your tools? Get a happy dog!
I scared my neighbor with my new power tool
I said, “Don’t be alarmed, this is just a drill!”
What tool does a pub for ravens second as?
He just needs help finding tools
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
My son says my new tool is boring.
Son, it is called "drilling"
The new tool album sounds awesome
They are "hammering" out some new tunes,
But they should of hired "Phillips head" to do the mixing.
I hate the tool business
It really screwed me over