My buddy was showing me around his tool shed when he pointed at something and said, "That's my stepladder."
"I never got to know my real ladder."
My eldest wanted to know why I wouldn't lend him any of my tools, but I let his younger brother, the prodigal son, borrow whatever equipment he wants.
Simple, I said, the prodigal son returns...
Some guy just called me a 'Tool'.
So, I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.
Hes quite the whisk taker
What tool fastens things at an angle?
What's the most dominant tool in math?
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
What is the best tool for maths?
What's the undisputed ruler of all hand tools?
Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.
Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
What's the best tool for grinding beans for iced coffee?
I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:
What is a musicians favourite power tool?
What did the janitor call the tools he didn't trust?
SUSpplies
(courtesy of my 9 y. o. )
A surgeon told me a story about how he dropped a tool into a patients stomach once.
What tool would deal best with a traumatic event?
Uh oh... Emergency: you brought me the wrong tool...
This is not a drill... I repeat, this is not a drill!
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....
I was having problems with my tools while digging for gold.
They were miner technical difficulties.
There’s a tool for every job
At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.
Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled “Heater?”.
Gary replies, “Yeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.
I pulled over a truck going 80 miles an hour in a 55 zone. He had a cargo of axe-like tools used for shaping large pieces of wood.
I once tried eating tools
It was a really gut-wrenching experience.
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
"Sir, we can't find the tool for making holes and, consequently, can't proceed. What should we do?"
"It's useless. Give up. Awl is lost."
My lumberjack friend was irate because he had such dull tools to chop trees. So he went to his foreman.
What is the best tool to make a car move?
There was this shop in my hometown located where two streets met, they sold things like embalming tools and other specialty tools for working on dead bodies. This store was also known as....
Two tradies were in a drunken fist fight over who's tools are who's.
Guess they were fighting tooth and nail over it.
I was tool shopping yesterday, and happened to walk by the stud-finders.
The noise was unbearable.
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
I created a Linux background process for the Message Analysis Test Tool.
I call it the MATT DAEMON!!!
I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...
In other words, a pedi-file.
I got my dad a new tool that helps him remove things he has clamped onto his work bench.
He said he’d never heard of such a de-vice.
It's always important to do an operational check of your tools.
What is it called when you cut wood with a tool covered in sriracha?
Did you hear about the new tool they use for ice farming?
It's called an ice-sickle
Don’t think I’ve ever used a tool of this caliper before.
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
A truck unloaded tons of hand tools into a river...
It is now a screwed river
My friend is always bragging about his woodworking tool like an axe but with the cutting edge perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
Need help in the garden? Can't carry all your tools? Get a happy dog!
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