I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...

They don't make them like they are going to anymore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
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Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
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I couldn't figure out how the change machine worked...

But then it made cents!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orangeman10987
πŸ“…︎ May 24
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Why do vampires only play the penny and nickel slot machines?

Small stakes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ May 29
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I've invented a machine that helps people wear cloaks

I call it a cloaking device.

My wife groaned, that's good enough for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/griffglen
πŸ“…︎ May 16
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Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?

He’s fully recovered now.

(Credit to Colin Mochrie)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_am_pale
πŸ“…︎ May 08
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My talking washing machine broke down today and started complaining that it was my fault,

I said, no one talks to me like that, you're out of order

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kitkatkennedy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
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What do you call a slot machine that spins really slow?

A sloth machine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davvo9
πŸ“…︎ May 31
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My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatGreenGobbo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
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Im building a counterfeit money machine….

I know it sounds crazy now, but I think eventually it will make a lot of cents…

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnymclargehuge
πŸ“…︎ May 20
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My uncle used to work at a factory that recycled worn out whitewalls. One day, he fell into one of the processing machines...

He's retired now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21
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My wife called me a sex machine

Well, her exact words were, β€œYou’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KangarooMyDoo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
What is a machine guns' favorite breakfast meal?

A frittata-tatata.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RipVanWinkle_1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
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Don't put Coins inside the Washing Machine!

It's Money Laundering.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
I got a new snow cone machine.

It’s really been crushing it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/an_actual_bee
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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Using one word, how do you get Doc Brown into his time machine?

Mandalorian

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
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Yet another job lost to machines
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlazeMrk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
What did they call the Mexican-Arab slot machine?

The Juan Ahmed bandit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlcjoe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
For Sale...Broken Quiz Machine.

No questions asked.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
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Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.

. ....................But catscan.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
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What do you call a cat in a vending machine

Kit cat

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/declandrury
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine

And it sank

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laurens54321
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
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There was a fog machine on sale, but I didn't have enough cash.

It was a mist opportunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Predestinatural
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?

He wanted his Quarter back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomguy2322
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?

An alternative facts machine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobbitinterrupted
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
Accidentally knocked my grandmas ashes into a fog machine....

She will be mist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
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The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working.

It doesn’t make any cents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
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I asked my personal trainer at the gym, which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?

He suggested, the cash machine .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
Dogs can't operate MRI machines,

But cats-can.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenonthewizlard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
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The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.

It doesn’t make any cents.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
What do you type into a time machine if you want to go to Christmas?

Present Day.

I haven't tried it, but pretty sure it'll work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
To get to the time machine.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnchartedQuasar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The 20c making machine at The Mint suddenly stop working for no reason.

It just doesn't make any cents

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
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My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym

It was the vending machine

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
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My wife has begun writing songs about her sewing machine

She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotcheetopuffs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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When the cloning machine worked...

I was beside myself.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TastesLikeGaming
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
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It's the story of a father that invented a machine.

He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out." The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?" The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kidralak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
Dogs can’t use MRI machines.

But catscan.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
I may not have the fanciest dough mixing machine...

but it handles all my kneads.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
I bought a new answering machine.....

What should I ask it?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
Broken pub quiz machine for sale. . .

No questions asked.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Surreal_Stranger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :

I knead one of those!!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LagartoDorado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the daughter Anakin had after becoming more machine than man?

Elly Vader

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
My French pastry machine doesn't work anymore.

It shot crepes

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

πŸ‘︎ 599
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Dogs can’t operate MRI Machines

But Catscan

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05
🚨︎ report

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