I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...
They don't make them like they are going to anymore
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
I couldn't figure out how the change machine worked...
Why do vampires only play the penny and nickel slot machines?
I've invented a machine that helps people wear cloaks
I call it a cloaking device.
My wife groaned, that's good enough for me.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?
He’s fully recovered now.
(Credit to Colin Mochrie)
My talking washing machine broke down today and started complaining that it was my fault,
I said, no one talks to me like that, you're out of order
What do you call a slot machine that spins really slow?
My friend writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.
Im building a counterfeit money machine….
I know it sounds crazy now, but I think eventually it will make a lot of cents…
My uncle used to work at a factory that recycled worn out whitewalls. One day, he fell into one of the processing machines...
My wife called me a sex machine
Well, her exact words were, “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
What is a machine guns' favorite breakfast meal?
Don't put Coins inside the Washing Machine!
I got a new snow cone machine.
It’s really been crushing it.
Using one word, how do you get Doc Brown into his time machine?
Yet another job lost to machines
What did they call the Mexican-Arab slot machine?
For Sale...Broken Quiz Machine.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.
. ....................But catscan.
What do you call a cat in a vending machine
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine
There was a fog machine on sale, but I didn't have enough cash.
It was a mist opportunity.
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his Quarter back.
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?
An alternative facts machine.
Accidentally knocked my grandmas ashes into a fog machine....
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working.
It doesn’t make any cents.
I asked my personal trainer at the gym, which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?
He suggested, the cash machine .
Dogs can't operate MRI machines,
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.
It doesn’t make any cents.
What do you type into a time machine if you want to go to Christmas?
I haven't tried it, but pretty sure it'll work.
To get to the time machine.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The 20c making machine at The Mint suddenly stop working for no reason.
It just doesn't make any cents
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym
It was the vending machine
My wife has begun writing songs about her sewing machine
She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.
When the cloning machine worked...
It's the story of a father that invented a machine.
He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out."
The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?"
The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."
Dogs can’t use MRI machines.
I may not have the fanciest dough mixing machine...
but it handles all my kneads.
I bought a new answering machine.....
Broken pub quiz machine for sale. . .
True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "
The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Did you hear about the daughter Anakin had after becoming more machine than man?
My French pastry machine doesn't work anymore.
A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the cops.
He must be part of some extreme mist group.
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
Dogs can’t operate MRI Machines