Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
Yet another job lost to machines
I asked my personal trainer at the gym, which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?
He suggested, the cash machine .
What do you type into a time machine if you want to go to Christmas?
Present Day.
I haven't tried it, but pretty sure it'll work.
To get to the time machine.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
I added water to our bread machine
I don’t know if it worked, but it kneaded it.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Why does my coin minting machine have to be broken...
It just doesn't make cents
When the mystery machine gets a flat tire who has to change it?
Coin making machines are really easy to understand. It just makes cents.
I decided to invent a time machine you wear like a belt
It turned out to be a complete waist of time
What does a Greek machine need to work?
I am sure someone has posted this one before, but, since I haven’t seen it, here goes! What did the wood screw say to the machine screw?
Wow! Those are some fine lookin’ threads, brotha!
If Hugh Hefner had a noise machine, which noises would he listen to?
The US Postal Service doesn't have enough machines to differentiate the mail.
They're all out of sorts.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I decided to make a fortune with a new invention, a pen vending machine!
I was going to make a joke about cash Machines but
I can’t think of any atm.
I sat down to sew and wouldntchayknow it, the machine is broken.
Guess that was my last stitch effort.
Not much to see here, just a boring machine.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback
My friend showed me his plans to produce a machine that makes pennies. At first, his concept didn't plausible...
After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...
A sketchy guy just came to my shop and bought 12 smoke machines so I called the cops....
I thought he could be part of some extreme mist group
A friend and I went to Mcdonalds. They have these new digital machines you order from. I had my friend order a mc-chicken at the counter at the same time I ordered an egg McMuffin at the machine.
I wanted to see what came first, the chicken or the egg.
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife "Does that raccoon know how to sew?"
She said, "That's how it seams"
A vending machine went to the doctor to have a tumor looked at
The doctor said the tumor was B9
It’s so unethical for a dog to be a doctor. Dogs can’t control machines like x-rays. But catscan.
Where do you go to buy used coffee machines?
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
(I don't know how obscure this is, but if it doesn't make sense click this link)
The new theather wasn't able to use a fog machine in their new play.
It was really a mist oppurtunity.
My ice machine was really cool, so I decided to encourage it... I said, "good job ice machine, you're crushing it."
Boba Fett has been hired to steal Doc Brown’s time machine
He’s after that man’s delorean
After two hours of continuous use, our Xerox machine wanted to go to Starbucks.
It really needed a copy break.
A fox went to a nearby ATM machine, and took out his card.
A girl nearby and a monkey screamed, "Swiper, no swiping!"
I'm trying to come up with an alternative name for a cash machine
But I can't think of one ATM.
My son said that he doesn’t want to do laundry because our washing machine is too loud.
I told him to put a sock in it.
I stole a money printing machine but I can't figure out how to use it.
It just doesn't make cents.
Washing machines love to exercise.
Especially the Spin Cycle.
The inventor of the time machine is depressed, so I bet he can't wait to put this year ahead of him.
What do you call a machine designed to paddle a boat?
What did the pilot say to the Xerox machine?
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