My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A bunch of books fell on me yesterday, but I couldn’t find anyone at fault in the accident.
I only have my shelf to blame.
While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip.
They gave me my drink and said "this is the last straw."
i went to the chiropractor with back pain, i didn't think it was that bad. he looked at me and said i have scoliosis, and he fixed me!
Both of my parents don't identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. They are both very honest and open people.
I guess you could say they're transparent.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms at all?
Because they make up everything.
At first, I didn't like having a beard.
Why didn’t the monster laugh at the ghosts joke?
Because he was full of sheet.
My steak didn’t taste very good. At first I thought I over cooked it
But it turns out I didn’t make it in thyme.
I spent all morning at the lake photographing birds. Enjoyable but I didn’t see a thing.
Why don’t you ever see normal houses at night?
Because they turn into warehouses
I told my date to meet me at the gym, but she didn’t show up.
I guess this means we can’t work out.
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
I don't trust the owls at Machu Pichu...
I reckon they are all Inca hoots.
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
My first attempt at making rye bread didn’t turn out great...
... guess something went awry
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
At first I wasn't going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
I couldn't get a reservation at the library.
They were completely booked.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Why didn't Daft Punk play at the Superbowl?
Cause everyone else was already wearing masks.
Don't be mad at lazy people
I didn’t like my new haircut at first
But now it’s growing on me.
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."
"He was always looking down on me!"
Talking about uterus at dinner... Don't ask
My friend says, did y'all know that in Australia they have a store called yute-r-us?
Why couldn’t they serve communion wafers at the wedding reception?
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Don't throw sodium chloride at people.
You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.
What happens if you don't look at things from the right angle?
You might find find yourself looking at a slippery slope.
Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all
Drill Sergeant: I didn’t see you at the camouflage drill today
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, “Dylan, don’t touch”
Why shouldn't you stare at hurricanes for too long?
You'll get lost in their eyes.
Someone pointed out my own comment I didn't get it at first.
If you say AT&T backwards....
You will sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
Why can’t you ever surprise Darth Vader at Christmas?
Because he always senses your presents.
When you're at the urinals, it doesn't matter of you're French, German, Spanish or Swedish
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
Don't throw sodium chloride at people
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Don’t throw sodium chloride at people
Don't be mad at lazy people
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