My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
Why canโt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโt happy at all. โHow much have you had to drink?โ she asked sternly, staring at me. โNothingโ I slurred. โLook at me!โ she shouted. โItโs either me or the pub, which one is it?โ
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, โItโs you. I can tell by the voice.โ
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︎ Dec 27 2020
A bunch of books fell on me yesterday, but I couldnโt find anyone at fault in the accident.
I only have my shelf to blame.
๐︎ 125
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︎ Feb 20 2021
While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip.
They gave me my drink and said "this is the last straw."
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︎ Mar 03 2021
i went to the chiropractor with back pain, i didn't think it was that bad. he looked at me and said i have scoliosis, and he fixed me!
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Both of my parents don't identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. They are both very honest and open people.
I guess you could say they're transparent.
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Why donโt scientists trust atoms at all?
Because they make up everything.
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︎ Feb 14 2021
At first, I didn't like having a beard.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Why didnโt the monster laugh at the ghosts joke?
Because he was full of sheet.
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︎ Feb 14 2021
My steak didnโt taste very good. At first I thought I over cooked it
But it turns out I didnโt make it in thyme.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I spent all morning at the lake photographing birds. Enjoyable but I didnโt see a thing.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Why donโt you ever see normal houses at night?
Because they turn into warehouses
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I told my date to meet me at the gym, but she didnโt show up.
I guess this means we canโt work out.
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︎ Feb 16 2021
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
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︎ Jan 30 2021
I don't trust the owls at Machu Pichu...
I reckon they are all Inca hoots.
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My first attempt at making rye bread didnโt turn out great...
... guess something went awry
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︎ Feb 04 2021
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
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︎ Feb 11 2021
It doesnโt matter if youโre tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
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︎ Dec 05 2020
At first I wasn't going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I couldn't get a reservation at the library.
They were completely booked.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
So Iโm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donโt know because he hasnโt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
โDad, I knew that story wasnโt real because you donโt have any friendsโ
๐ป๐ป๐๐โ ๏ธโ ๏ธ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Why didn't Daft Punk play at the Superbowl?
Cause everyone else was already wearing masks.
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Don't be mad at lazy people
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I didnโt like my new haircut at first
But now itโs growing on me.
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."
"He was always looking down on me!"
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Talking about uterus at dinner... Don't ask
My friend says, did y'all know that in Australia they have a store called yute-r-us?
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Why couldnโt they serve communion wafers at the wedding reception?
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︎ Jan 09 2021
An man at a bar didnโt want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldnโt even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said โWhy were you out all night?โ He said โHow did you find out?โ
She said โThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair againโ.
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Don't throw sodium chloride at people.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
What happens if you don't look at things from the right angle?
You might find find yourself looking at a slippery slope.
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Drill Sergeant: I didnโt see you at the camouflage drill today
๐︎ 21
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, โDylan, donโt touchโ
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︎ Dec 27 2020
Why shouldn't you stare at hurricanes for too long?
You'll get lost in their eyes.
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Someone pointed out my own comment I didn't get it at first.
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︎ Sep 25 2020
If you say AT&T backwards....
You will sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.
๐︎ 27
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
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︎ Sep 19 2020
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Dec 12 2020
I canโt believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
Iโve been moving them around all day but they still say they are โOut of Orderโ
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Why canโt you ever surprise Darth Vader at Christmas?
Because he always senses your presents.
๐︎ 12
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︎ Dec 06 2020
When you're at the urinals, it doesn't matter of you're French, German, Spanish or Swedish
๐︎ 3
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didnโt show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
๐︎ 25
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Don't throw sodium chloride at people
๐︎ 35
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︎ Nov 18 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโt happy at all. โHow much have you had to drink?โ she asked sternly, staring at me. โNothingโ I slurred. โLook at me!โ she shouted. โItโs either me or the pub, which one is it?โ
I paused for a second while I thought and said, โItโs you. I can tell by the voice.โ
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Jun 10 2020
Donโt throw sodium chloride at people
๐︎ 9
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Don't be mad at lazy people
๐︎ 28
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︎ Nov 22 2020
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