AT&T Mobility Puns

So I turned to my manager yesterday and said "We may not be able to have cell phones, but we can have SALE phones."

Note: This my first post here and not 100% sure if this is a dad joke. If it doesn't belong here, do inform me where I could post it. Many thanks!

Mom: what would you do if you got the job there?

Me: Cell phones

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

I was being a brat, so my step-dad said

"I think he's on his period."

I reply

"no, I'm actually on my comma."

To which my mom chimes in

"I'm so confused..."

Moment of silence... My step dad looks at her...

"hi very confused. I'm dad."

Many fistbumps between him and me.

(sorry for formatting, on mobile.)

Doing this on mobile, so we'll see how it goes.

My son playing with a toy lightsaber:

Son: dad I can't get the saber to open up! Me: have you tried using more force?

Wife: (glaring at me) really? More force?

because as babies, we were taught to stare at the mobiles above our cribs.

I was telling my friends and my parents about a tattoo my friend just recently got for his birthday. I was saying how its the symbol for ohms in front of a bunch of smoke.

It was at that point my dad said "And if it had wheels it'd be a mobile ohm!"

No groans, we all busted out in laughter.

We were shopping at our local grocery store. She is pretty short, and she needed to reach the sugar on one of the higher shelves.

She grabbed my arm to get my attention (mobile redditing,) and asked, "Can you reach up there and grab that sugar please?"

I looked up from my phone and said, "Which one is the 'sugar-please?'"

As I was reaching up to grab it she kicked me in the butt for how stupid it was. I stood proud.

Me- "Mom told me that I'm getting my wisdom teeth out at the end of July"

Dad- "Does that mean you won't be as smart?"

-_-

Edit: Formatting (on mobile)

I'm on my mobile, so I apologize for any typos.

Today I had a simple surgical procedure at my local podiatrist.

At the end of the procedure the doctor was applying an acid to the surgical site, and I asked what he was using.

Doc: "...this is called Phenol, and it discourages the regrowth of the ingrown nail."

Me: "That sounds phenolmenal!"

He stopped what he was doing for a moment, and we had a good laugh, turns out he had never heard that all to obvious pun.

Also, I'm pretty sure khakis are going to sprout from my legs pretty soon.

I'll keep you all in the loop on that front

Sorry if format error. Am on mobile. Just wanted to share my favorite dad joke from my childhood. I think it was my dad's favorite joke to tell too. "There was a carrot walking along the road when he got hit by a car. He was rushed to the carrot hospital and looked at by the carrot doctors. When his carrot mom came to visit the doctor told her he had some good news and some bad news. >cm: What is the news carrot doctor? >cd: Well, the good news is he is alive. The bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.