What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?

Bernadette.

πŸ‘︎ 652
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?

Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a handyman's skill set?

His repair-toire

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The Titanic II is a modern-day replica of the RMS Titanic and is scheduled to set sail in 2022. It's creators do not believe it will relive the tragedy of it's predecessor because

that was an ice-olated incident.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the writer kicked off of the movie set?

He was making a scene!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
If all the elves were missing from my son's LOTR Lego set,

Would you call that a Lego-loss?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
At a garage sale yesterday I got a George Foreman grill and a Muhammed Ali DVD set...

Both boxed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set

Goddamn those big game hunters

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PissYourTits
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The recipe said, β€œSet the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer, notorious for bad spelling, is set to interrogate three theives, Tim, Bob, and Joe.

When asked who he thinks will give up the location stolen goods, he replys β€œOnly Time will tell”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefanE30325i
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A sage once set himself on fire to cleanse the monastery of evil smells. [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ButterKnifeComics
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA

Set to be called the Google Chromosome.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm trying out this new kitchen set with no egg beater

The says it's a 30 day whisk free trial

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.

I like to keep all my bases covered.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legitimate-Hair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A very good set of food puns
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaravvashi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.

They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was

the chip monk!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/franksymptoms
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I sold a Chess set to my friend. He asked if all the pieces were there.

I told him to checkmate.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FightBackFitness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Could someone set me free from my misery on these two? reddit.com/gallery/i7oadx
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johninfairview
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A pumpkin spiced latte joke should contain the set up, followed by the punchline and

Cost about $4.50

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/junior_bqx2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A drum set fell down the stairs

Ba dum dum dum dum dum ow

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My 15 year old told me he set up an IRA account. I said β€œAre you kidding me?”

He said β€œNo, I’m adulting you.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegendaryBroku
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...

But he saw right through it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CGballin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
As my impeccably dressed co-worker has aged, incontinence has set in.

He went from dapper Dan to diaper Dan.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The set up sucks but I thought it was pretty smart

A man makes an outline of a duck and cuts it out. An egg falls right in the middle. Now he has an egg in stencil crisis

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nojuicing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Get set....

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hokka4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Winning a German sausage eating contest is all about your mind set

You hope for the best, but prepare for the wurst

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ali_whi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...

...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I bought a new mattress. When we got home and set it up, we were unsure about whether or not it would be comfortable enough.

She said, β€œLet’s sleep on it.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeniedScout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a ghost that haunts the set of a day-time tv talk show?

The Phantom of the Oprah.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mumpledump69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.

Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midas_1988
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?

Hymn and Hers.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yyzable
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I just read in the newspaper: "Painting stolen from art museum found by a set of dustbins."

Those dustbins must be very intelligent.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend's bakery got set on fire the other day

The business is toast

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/politicalmonster1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The knights of the round table all had a unique set of skills

Do you think Sir Lancelot was good at jousting? Or just really liked it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itwasme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
This son of a bitch got me. Can't be mad though; I set him up and did even realize it.
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toasty-toes
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Couldn’t ask for a better set up
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I had my cornfield all set up to sell in 2 acre units when my realtor suddenly brought me plans for acre units.

He was plotting against me!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I set the bar pretty low…

Because I like to do the limbo

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guzhogi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?

Bernadette.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hatlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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