My girlfriend was sad, so I asked her who my favorite singer is and then placed my head on her chest

I told her Michael Boob-lay

She wasn’t as sad anymore (or much sadder since she realized how dumb the person she’s dating is). Happy new year everybody

πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/drumdude92
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 30 2020
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Breaking News: Cornwall has been placed in Tier 4 lockdown.

Hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.

Apparently the Arrrr rate has increased dramatically.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 31 2020
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I placed a pushpin at a corner, and my life started getting so much better!

I guess that was a real turning point for me

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pipessqueak
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2020
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Today I took a single Cheerio from my son’s bowl, stared him in the eyes, placed it on the table, smashed it with my fist, and said β€œWatch out...”

β€œ...cereal killer.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2020
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Someone Placed Scatological Humor Above Puns on a Humor Hierarchy Today

I would've complained, but it seemed like more of a fecal matter.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pfheonix
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 14 2020
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My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bot_10
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2019
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A sharp mind has placed this here
πŸ‘οΈŽ 96
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/itsyerboiTRESH
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2020
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My phone was showing "Battery low". So I placed it on top of the cupboard.

It worked. Can't see the notification any more.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madjholu
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2020
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My TV was placed on suicide watch.

Apparently, it tried to off itself.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rvvl
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 08 2020
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An aspiring beekeeper went to a farmer’s market to pick up a small hive. They placed an order for a dozen bees. When picking up the bees, the seller handed them a case of thirteen bees. Noticing the extra bee, the keeper pointed it out to the seller.

The seller said, β€œOh, that last one is a freebee!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 31
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gothwhopper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 17 2019
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My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.

It's what he would've wanted.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 107
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rogue-_-robot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 04 2019
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So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.

It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrEpicGamerMan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2019
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 109
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 10 2019
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Sometimes, toilet paper gets placed on the rack incorrectly.

It's okay, though. They just roll with it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 25 2019
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Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.

It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DevonWhiteTurnUp
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 16 2019
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The waiter brought our food to the table. He placed my delicious-looking fajita plate in front of me and said, "Careful, this is gonna be hot"

So I asked him, "When?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CactusPearl21
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2019
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I accidentally spilt a half bottle of laundry detergent. It landed in a conveniently placed bucket tho!

I was able to turn the tide.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 05 2019
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When my cousin Frank died, his body was cremated, and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.

Now he's Frank in stein.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 08 2019
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Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...

It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/curmudge_john
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 08 2019
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I was in my kitchen and my cousin went next to me as I was looking at the brownies, placed a fork and said fork u. + to add on to this as I was trying to take this photo the brightness wasn’t working properly so my dad’s girlfriend goes β€œguess you could say it’s forked”
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Weewoman11
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2019
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How to ask your father where he placed his bag

Hey, where did you place your Baghdad?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Silly_Lemon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 12 2019
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I wanted more bread so I placed a slice in a cage

It's now being bread in captivity

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mbasyar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 07 2019
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My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..." reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/alextound
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 13 2018
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I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 39
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2019
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My dad placed a piece of paper with the word β€œjoke” written on it on me.

β€œHaha! Joke’s on you!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2018
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The magician placed my sister in a β€œmagic box,” and then β€œsawed” her into two

Now I have two half-sisters.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ikissedtaylorswift
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
The other day, for some reason unknown to me, I was pulled over by a local police vehicle. I rolled down my window and placed both hands on the steering wheel and waited. I noticed that the officer approaching the car was a woman...

When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"

Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"

I answered, that I didn't.

She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"

I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."

Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."

With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 20 2018
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As a very fat man I took my kids horseback riding. I placed my youngest on a small horse and it huffed a bit. I put my oldest on a medium horse and it huffed a bit. I walked over to a rather large horse and tried to get up on it. His eyes got big...

And he went "Neigh! Neigh!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheHobbitPimp
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2018
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I placed my pint down on the table in the pub and one of the waiters walker over to my table.

"Would you like a beer mat?" he asked.

I said, "I prefer cider, pal. And my name isn't Matt."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 11 2018
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Mom flipped after shoes were placed on the table and have my dad a great set up

Me(to dad): "So how was your disgusting shoe table breakfast this morning?"

Dad: "Fine. But I think it was too early for filet of sole."

  • ba dumb tss*
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cecwildcat1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 13 2014
🚨︎ report
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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