I got banned from my local gym
I gues I just didn't work out
Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the urinals.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
I wanted to go to the local aquarium to see the new dolphin show, but when I got there I couldn’t get in.
It was closed for training porpoises.
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
Stopped in the local cemetery on my walk
The groundsman said "Morning"
I said "Nah, I'm just having a piss"
I was really mad when our local pub decided to hang all their dartboards from the ceiling.
It really makes me want to throw up.
NEWS FLASH! The toilet has been stolen from the local police station.
Police say they've got nothing to go on.
My local barber was arrested for dealing drugs in my neighborhood.
I've gone to him for 5 years and I never knew he was a barber.
I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever
They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
They opened a haunted house at my local theme park...
I heard business is boo-ming
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...
Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...
All I said was: kale, seitan.
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
The Chef at our local Italian Restaurant has died...
He pasta away
We cannoli do so much to help
His legacy will become a pizza history
Here today, gone tomato
Sending olive our prayers to the family
His wife, cheese still not over it
No more penne tration for her
A friend told me the local furniture store had some nice stools.
Upon closer inspection of their samples, I decided they were pieces of crap.
Thanks, localization team
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
There was a brawl at a local seafood restaurant.
There were battered fish everywhere.
My mom’s sister runs the local candlelight services for the community
There was a kidnapping at my local school today.
It’s ok though, he woke up eventually.
A local themed Grandad joke from the northeast of England: If you walk to Walker and bike to Byker, what do you do at Wallsend?
Local brewery has some jokes
I found out the local priest adopted a dog.
A local Amish told me he wasn't against progress
As long as it doesn't involve change
Found this pun at my local Subway sandwich shop.
Yesterday I went to the local recycling center
A termite walks into the local pub and asks,
"Is the bar *tender* here?"
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants “Why do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...
Our local fire station burnt down today.
Apparently, somebody left the irony on.
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.
But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
Someone just robbed the local wig store
The police are combing the area
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!
There's a small medium at large.
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company
every tube so far has been in mint condition
Our local Lego Store finally reopened after lockdown.
People were lined up for blocks.
I had quite the contentious meeting with the local blacksmith
Our local Five Guys lost some letters on their sign.
With the F and E out, I guess someone quit.
There was an attempted shooting at the local library.
They started a poetry class at the local prison...
But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons
Don’t ever go to the local mountains and try to rent skis.
You can only get snowbored.
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the urinals.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school?
It's fine now, he woke up.
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