A local cake factory was just robbed
They took a huge slice of the profits
I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra! But I quit because . . .
It was just one ting after another.
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
There was a robbery at the local Apple store today.
Its ok though, they caught the guy, there was an iWitness.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder
Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.
"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."
"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."
The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
You're damn right it will
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
Saw a bunch of guys in the local department store, shouting “f#ck”, “b#ll&cks”, “w#nker”!
Then realised I was in the menswear section.
A famous local cauliflower died last night.
People are expecting a big turnip at the funeral.
Saw a kidnapping at the local park this morning
He must’ve been knackered, even his mum couldn’t wake him up
Local TV weatherman breaks all of his limbs but insists on coming in to work...
...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.
Why did the couple cancel their dinner plans at the local Indian restaurant?
They agreed it was a naan-starter
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.
Son: “Dad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”
I invited the local farmer and his horse to my son's birthday party
They quickly became the centaur of attention
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
I donated to a local clinic.
Did you hear about the sea captain that went in for a hat fitting at the local haberdashery during rough seas?
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.
His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
I may have been kicked out of my local watch shop for throwing the merchandise around, but I can confirm...
Time does fly when you’re having fun!
I showed this woman all the F-150s at my local dealership, and she instantly wanted me.
I guess she was really into pickup lines.
Had a large keyboard instrument with pipes that I gave for free to my local church.
Always proud to be an organ donor.
My bff and I want to go to a local art exhibit. Terrible art puns ensue
Our local cricket club applied to the council for a grant.
The Pun Explosion on this Ad at the local Wine Store
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
A man, cursed by a wicked genie, goes to the local prophet for help.
The prophet hands him a six sided piece of paper. Confused, the man asks how it's supposed to help him. "Simple," the prophet says, "it's a hex a gon."
I recently had a fellow knocking door to door asking for donations for our local pool...
I was happy to give him a full glass of water to help!
What happens when your local pastor smokes a blunt?
I can’t stand the local livestock thief...
...he really gets my goat.
I tried to schedule a time to go into my local library
There was a huge explosion at the local cheese factory
Da brie was all over the place
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks
But there were no strings attached.
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station!
They’re looking for the culprits, but they have nothing to go on.
A local funk band decided to keep their horn section of cow ghosts, despite them spooking the other members from behind.
Because a herd in the band is worth a boo in the tush.
The taylor at the local men's clothing shop kept trying to help me find wedding attire despite my wishes. He finally gave up and said
A local man was arrested for attacking his neighbor with a taser that didn't work.
He was charged with assault without battery.
Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound
My local bakery has a martial arts promotion going on
They allow you to take-one-dough.
One of the local radio stations had a "Worst Pun" contest.
The best part was you could submit multiple entries, and I sent in a bunch, at least 10. I figured the more I came up with, one of them had to win.
But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....
They didn’t like me critter sizing.
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