After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I wanted to become a ghost hunter, but settled on going to a psychic

It was a happy Medium

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Talking to a guy about a building a fence. I feel I’ve settled into my role as dad pretty well.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrM0n0cle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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I once got lost in a corn maze as dusk settled and everything grew quiet...

It was earie.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at the store deciding between a saltwater aquarium and a houseplant to decorate my home. I finally settled on a beautiful fern.

I said to my wife, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtowers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I picked up my newborn daughter to stop her crying. Mother-in-law commented- "Wow, she really settled for you quickly!"

"Just like her mother."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gravityrider
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Elvis Presley considered converting to Islam before he died. He even settled on a Muslim name:

Ahmal Shooq-Up.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2016
🚨︎ report
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Thanos settle on Asgard for his vacation?

He wanted to keep it low key (Loki)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinzlo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do clothes go to settle their legal issues?

The shorts house

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Lipton probably saw many different pitchers of its brewed beverages before settling for the one on its iconic package...

They auditioned many before choosing the best model tea.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Just finished watching a documentary on how Kool-Aid was made

It was stirring

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother regrets many things in life but mostly he regrets not ever having a wild time before settling down and having kids.

Me? I have no rugrats.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do you settle the case between which came first, the chicken or the egg?

in the food court

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsNotBer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Shake well before consuming

Contents may have settled, started a family, and proliferated in the container.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Camo5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...

They couldn't afford a tenor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My 7 year old came up with a dad joke: What do Zombie Cows say?

"Grains"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollyon82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I love my wife. She won't settle for anything.

Unlike myself

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tenzinashoka
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldn’t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, β€œIf you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

β€œI toad you so.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.

So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.

Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"

"What was that?"

"It sounded like the voice of God!"

"Well let's try somewhere else."

They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:

"There are no fish here!"

So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:

"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeppermintBiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes

A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.

Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didn’t sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymaker’s parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.

SOURCE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missourijake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
It's too bad that the Spanish were the first Europeans to settle in what is now San Francisco.

It would have been an ideal location for the Quakers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report
While settling Canada...

One of the French outposts refused to cooperate with the others.

It was the rogue fort.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GregoryTheBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Cheating is not affair game

I said to my cheating wife "Let's settle this in affair explanation!" She said "OK. I cheated on you because your heart were as cold as the North Poll!" I looked at her then said "I'm diss a pointed..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titanium_Steel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
It took my brother-in-law 2 kids for him to settle into his role

https://imgur.com/a/583Ao

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FOX_SMOLDER
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Two artists couldn't settle their dispute...

They called it a draw

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeptil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Ended up settling on being a paramedic.
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bsleffel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
🚨︎ report
I want to play tennis, but my tennis glove is torn.

I guess I’ll have to settle for bad mitten.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bci1516
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad texted me and needed me to settle a dispute between him and my mom

My Dad: Mom and I are disagreeing...is your truck a Chevy or a Dodge?

Me: Haha it's a Dodge, the other two were Chevys

My Dad: Oh, I thought it was a Chevy. Well, orthopedic shoes...

Me: What? Orthopedic shoes???

My Dad: Yes!

Me: What the hell do orthopedic shoes have to do with my truck? Hahaha

My Dad: Orthopedic shoes...I stand corrected!

Me: facepalm and groan

Love you, dad!

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreamyGoodnss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Groundhog Day

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said β€œthis is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shellexyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos.

We couldn't settle between two of them. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one.

So, I told her, "Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMartin58
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two restaurant servers tried to settle a dispute with a game of tennis

But they could never start as service was not included.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manubfr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter about cake day, she didn't care, she just wanted pancakes. So I guess I'll settle for a pan-cake day post. imgur.com/a/xg8ce
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SporkOfDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
🚨︎ report
So this panda bear walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then takes out a gun, shoots the piano player, and goes to walk out.

The bartender says what the heck are you doing?

I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up.

So the bartender gets out his dictionary. You know, for settling bets. You didn't have a problem with the piano player, just go with it.

So, sure enough, there it is in the dictionary.

Panda bear, noun. Not a true bear, eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call dust that only settles on certain objects??

Particular matter!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fc528e
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
🚨︎ report
A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Brand new protein powder, not even filled half whey
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4Lman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Found this absolute gem
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/undermade12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report

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