I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still donβt get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
What's another word for a skilled gamer?
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I've been told my baking skills are horrible.
I try not to cake it personally.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
How could you describe a group of chess grandmasters bragging about their skills in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
What do you call a handyman's skill set?
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︎ Nov 25 2020
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision
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︎ Sep 12 2020
If a highly skilled bird lands on your fatherβs sweater...
Thatβs a pro sparrow on your fleecy dad. Looking forward to a happy 2021!
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I didn't expect to see that convention of skilled printers in Madridβ¦
It was a Spanish ink-wiz-isition.
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Vincent Van Goghβs son was a LEGO master. As a test of his skill he was asked...
Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?
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︎ Sep 23 2020
What vegetable is the most skilled in Martial Arts?
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︎ Oct 05 2020
Where do birds go to show off their skills?
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︎ Aug 30 2020
Domestic Skills
When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.
She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."
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︎ Jul 13 2020
My 7-year old son constantly insists that I use my ballet skills around the house...
He really keeps me on my toes.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I remarried, and my new wife is pissed because of my poor navigation skills
She said our relationship wasn't going anywhere
Edit : She just packed her bag and right
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︎ Aug 27 2020
The knights of the round table all had a unique set of skills
Do you think Sir Lancelot was good at jousting? Or just really liked it.
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︎ Aug 16 2020
How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form
I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight
The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist
To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!
It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"
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︎ Jan 31 2021
During lockdown my origami skills have improved...
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︎ Jul 01 2020
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
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︎ Dec 21 2020
Those brother in law pun skills
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︎ Mar 31 2018
Once upon a time in the jungle...
Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story isβ¦ wait for itβ¦
He who lives in grass houses shouldnβt stow thrones.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
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︎ Jun 21 2020
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
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︎ Jun 28 2020
Why did the horticulturist go to night school?
To learn thyme management
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Three fruits decided to have a dragrace match. The Lemon prepared by practcing driving skills, the orange by studying the appropriate tecniques, the grape by relaxing in the sun. Who won?
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Not my first pun but second pun here. Don't WINE about my Photoshop skills.
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Youβre Hired!
A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, βOh my goodness! Youβre so experienced! Youβre hired, and you can name your salary!β
The interviewee paused for a moment and said βThank you. Iβd like to call mine Dennis.β
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Just watched a great documentary on Netflix regarding Chewbacca's porcelain skills...
It's called - Hairy Potter.
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︎ May 17 2020
My English skills and mental health need improvement, but my math skills are fine.
Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.
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︎ May 20 2020
What do you call a member of law enforcement who likes to show people his skills on the Guitar?
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︎ Apr 30 2020
What do you call a programme where you watch some very skilled dogs sleeping?
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 21 2020
Those brother in law pun skills
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︎ Oct 03 2019
Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill?
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 25 2020
My boss said my math skills are average.
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︎ Sep 02 2018
Spaghetti car
I told my wife I was building a car out of spaghetti. She told me to stop being stupid. You should've seen her face as I drove pasta!
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︎ Oct 27 2020
Most people told me learning sign language was a waste of time
But I find it to be a pretty handy skill
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︎ Nov 27 2020
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Advanced reading skills
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︎ Nov 21 2018
What do I call it when you're working on honing your sexual skills?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 19 2020
I told my mom to teach my kids her skills in making bread and pasta from scratch
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 31 2019
I wouldn't let my newborn work on my Ferrari's engine
He doesn't have fine motor skills
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
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︎ Sep 15 2020
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
π︎ 20
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Just saw the new Netflix documentary about Chewbacca's porcelain skills...
It's called "Hairy Potter".
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 19 2020
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
π︎ 266
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︎ Sep 16 2019
I asked my wife what she thought of my peeing skills, on a scale of 1-10...
π︎ 37
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︎ Aug 02 2019
I asked my friend to rate my listening skills and he said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10"
Really don't understand why he told me to urinate on a skeleton.
π︎ 38
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︎ Jul 18 2019
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