The gun actually goes off in the 2nd...
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dogmatic_Catalyst
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
T-shirt is actually short for 'Tyrannosarus shirt'

Because of the short arms

πŸ‘︎ 286
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marinmarge
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Fathers actually never joke about adoption tho
πŸ‘︎ 555
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oakvard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...

No noose is good noose.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClawBadger
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!

It's crazy but it's Trudeau

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Telusion
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?

Not Yeti.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I discovered my dear friend it's actually a female.

Now it's a doe friend.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeItalianBoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you guys know Superman's father Jor-el had another son who was actually hilarious?

His name was Elo-el

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilSandwichMan
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that you can actually get just as drunk on water...

sips water

...as you can on land

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyle-11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Not actually a fake text convo
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedRex99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Isaac Newton was actually Oldton
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Solilupus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I finished reading Bon Jovi’s biography and had the wonderful chance to ask him if he actually did the stuff in his biography.

He just shrugged and said it’s my life

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimilarThought9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Can you believe people actually eat mountain oysters?

Isn't that nuts?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wessdude79
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Jedi master Yoda was actually a Austro-Bavarian folk singer?

It's true. Right there in his last name, "Lay Hee Hoo."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?

two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadwfiend
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the stag who found out she was actually a doe?

She was transgendeer.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trashconverters
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.

I can stop any time.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasonhackwith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
How do people actually make new mates as an adult?

Asking for a friend

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Draco_6160
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What would HitlerΒ΄s book have been called if he had actually become a painter?

Mein Craft

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocksolidsalmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Lassie was actually a boy?

β€’β€’β€’β€’then why did they dress him up like a dog?!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChangeNew389
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?

An orange, because they don't rhyme.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeppo_007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Karen did that actually happen
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prabeshdai13
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of people think of Batman as really serious, but he’s actually a funny guy.

He even used to be a comic

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobertforApples
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.

I couldn’t fathom it.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Beauty School would actually be very easy to procrastinate in

Because it has make up exams.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bubba8115
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?

Yeah, he can clock you a good one.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A wet dream is actually a dream cum true
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nervoussystem66
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My ex actually has 3 spirit animals:

Lion, Ass, Cheetah

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/medimanager
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Just found out lesbians actually cook.

I thought they just ate out..

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Hypnosis doesn't actually work...

Change My Mind.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
They actually made a KFC movie on the Hallmark channel

It’s suppose to be a romance but don’t be surprised if there’s some Fowl play.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)

I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, β€œHey, don’t try to start anything in here”

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Actually made my wife laugh today

My daughter and I were playing with the toy story toys. Bopeep had to see the doctor and I said I don't trust ducky as the doctor. I think he's a quack.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-re-Gretzkys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.

He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.

The called him the Jabberwookie.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once…

...going twice…

πŸ‘︎ 445
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.

It’s assault.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watanabelover69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom actually made this up not my dad

Person 1: knock knock Person 2: who’s there Person 1: cash Person 2: cash who Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bathtubgamer2017
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EggNogAgenda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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