The gun actually goes off in the 2nd...
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︎ Apr 16 2021
T-shirt is actually short for 'Tyrannosarus shirt'
Because of the short arms
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︎ May 05 2021
Fathers actually never joke about adoption tho
π︎ 555
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︎ Mar 20 2021
[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...
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︎ May 07 2021
One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!
It's crazy but it's Trudeau
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︎ May 08 2021
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
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︎ Apr 19 2021
Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Today I discovered my dear friend it's actually a female.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Did you guys know Superman's father Jor-el had another son who was actually hilarious?
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︎ May 03 2021
Did you know that you can actually get just as drunk on water...
sips water
...as you can on land
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Not actually a fake text convo
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Isaac Newton was actually Oldton
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 25 2021
I finished reading Bon Joviβs biography and had the wonderful chance to ask him if he actually did the stuff in his biography.
He just shrugged and said itβs my life
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︎ Apr 06 2021
Can you believe people actually eat mountain oysters?
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Did you know that Jedi master Yoda was actually a Austro-Bavarian folk singer?
It's true. Right there in his last name, "Lay Hee Hoo."
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
π︎ 130
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Did you hear about the stag who found out she was actually a doe?
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 24 2021
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
π︎ 45
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︎ Jan 18 2021
How do people actually make new mates as an adult?
π︎ 18
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︎ Feb 06 2021
What would HitlerΒ΄s book have been called if he had actually become a painter?
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Did you know that Lassie was actually a boy?
β’β’β’β’then why did they dress him up like a dog?!
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 20
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︎ Dec 29 2020
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?
An orange, because they don't rhyme.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
π︎ 279
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Karen did that actually happen
π︎ 5k
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︎ May 02 2020
A lot of people think of Batman as really serious, but heβs actually a funny guy.
He even used to be a comic
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︎ Feb 03 2021
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
π︎ 29
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Beauty School would actually be very easy to procrastinate in
Because it has make up exams.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
A wet dream is actually a dream cum true
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 10 2020
My ex actually has 3 spirit animals:
π︎ 88
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︎ Oct 11 2020
Just found out lesbians actually cook.
I thought they just ate out..
π︎ 40
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︎ Dec 04 2020
Hypnosis doesn't actually work...
π︎ 13
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︎ Dec 18 2020
They actually made a KFC movie on the Hallmark channel
Itβs suppose to be a romance but donβt be surprised if thereβs some Fowl play.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 09 2020
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I donβt know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, βHey, donβt try to start anything in hereβ
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Actually made my wife laugh today
My daughter and I were playing with the toy story toys. Bopeep had to see the doctor and I said I don't trust ducky as the doctor. I think he's a quack.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.
He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.
The called him the Jabberwookie.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
My wife says Iβm addicted to auctions but sheβs wrong. I actually stopped after going onceβ¦
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Itβs actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My mom actually made this up not my dad
Person 1: knock knock
Person 2: whoβs there
Person 1: cash
Person 2: cash who
Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Nov 30 2019
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
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