The gun actually goes off in the 2nd...
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︎ Apr 16 2021
T-shirt is actually short for 'Tyrannosarus shirt'
Because of the short arms
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︎ May 05 2021
Fathers actually never joke about adoption tho
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︎ Mar 20 2021
[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...
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︎ May 07 2021
One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!
It's crazy but it's Trudeau
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︎ May 08 2021
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
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︎ Apr 19 2021
Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Today I discovered my dear friend it's actually a female.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Did you guys know Superman's father Jor-el had another son who was actually hilarious?
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︎ May 03 2021
Did you know that you can actually get just as drunk on water...
sips water
...as you can on land
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Not actually a fake text convo
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Isaac Newton was actually Oldton
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︎ Mar 25 2021
I finished reading Bon Joviβs biography and had the wonderful chance to ask him if he actually did the stuff in his biography.
He just shrugged and said itβs my life
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︎ Apr 06 2021
Can you believe people actually eat mountain oysters?
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Did you know that Jedi master Yoda was actually a Austro-Bavarian folk singer?
It's true. Right there in his last name, "Lay Hee Hoo."
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Did you hear about the stag who found out she was actually a doe?
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 24 2021
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
How do people actually make new mates as an adult?
π︎ 18
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︎ Feb 06 2021
What would HitlerΒ΄s book have been called if he had actually become a painter?
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Did you know that Lassie was actually a boy?
β’β’β’β’then why did they dress him up like a dog?!
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 20
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︎ Dec 29 2020
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?
An orange, because they don't rhyme.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Karen did that actually happen
π︎ 5k
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︎ May 02 2020
A lot of people think of Batman as really serious, but heβs actually a funny guy.
He even used to be a comic
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︎ Feb 03 2021
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Beauty School would actually be very easy to procrastinate in
Because it has make up exams.
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
A wet dream is actually a dream cum true
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︎ Dec 10 2020
My ex actually has 3 spirit animals:
π︎ 88
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︎ Oct 11 2020
Just found out lesbians actually cook.
I thought they just ate out..
π︎ 40
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︎ Dec 04 2020
Hypnosis doesn't actually work...
π︎ 13
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︎ Dec 18 2020
They actually made a KFC movie on the Hallmark channel
Itβs suppose to be a romance but donβt be surprised if thereβs some Fowl play.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 09 2020
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I donβt know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, βHey, donβt try to start anything in hereβ
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Actually made my wife laugh today
My daughter and I were playing with the toy story toys. Bopeep had to see the doctor and I said I don't trust ducky as the doctor. I think he's a quack.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.
He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.
The called him the Jabberwookie.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
My wife says Iβm addicted to auctions but sheβs wrong. I actually stopped after going onceβ¦
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Itβs actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My mom actually made this up not my dad
Person 1: knock knock
Person 2: whoβs there
Person 1: cash
Person 2: cash who
Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Nov 30 2019
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
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︎ Nov 10 2020
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