Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook...
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︎ Mar 13 2021
My aunt Marie has been keeping track of her frozen dinner purchases.
It's Marie's Marie Callender's calendar.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
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︎ Jul 02 2020
I just bought a new treadmill today and Iβm not sure how to process this monumental purchase.
I guess Iβll take it one step at a time.
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︎ Jan 31 2021
How do you purchase a hair piece that youβre going to share with someone
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︎ Oct 22 2020
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, βBy mistake?β
I shouted, βOh come on! Not you too!β
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︎ Feb 26 2019
My wife returned a package of pantyhose that she bought online, but they only refunded 90% of the purchase price...
...they claimed the 10% was a re-stocking fee.
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︎ Aug 12 2020
Why aren't people in Norway able to purchase anything?
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︎ Oct 08 2020
The Louigiana Purchase.
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︎ Sep 11 2019
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
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︎ Mar 23 2020
Me (at the numbers store): βCan I please purchase all of these averages?β
Clerk: βSure, buy all meansβ
Admittedly a median joke, at best.
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︎ May 18 2020
Usually I pick the Royal Mail as a deliverer for my purchases
It's because they do it door-tudor
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︎ Jan 08 2020
My store gives Spanish-speaking men 5% off every purchase.
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︎ Apr 20 2018
I finally decided to purchase stock in cannabis.
The company is really growing.
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︎ Feb 27 2019
The guy at 7 eleven asked if I wanted 10 free packs of Tic-Tacs with my purchase, and I asked him under what condition?
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︎ Aug 08 2019
If You're Thinking About Making a Purchase ...
... does that make you buy-curious?
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︎ Oct 17 2018
My new fan purchase has truly blown me away
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︎ Jan 27 2019
Store clerk: βSo, are you sure you want to purchase this pillow?β
βI think Iβm going to sleep on it.β
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︎ Apr 26 2019
My store is giving away a first aid bag with the purchase of 3 health items.
The health items arenβt much, but the bag is a big plus!
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︎ Jul 01 2018
When I wanted to buy a helicopter, my wife said I shouldn't make impulsive purchases.
I said, "You're right! I should take it out for a spin first."
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︎ May 08 2019
If I purchase something from Microsoft Store,
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︎ Mar 12 2019
I simply had to purchase the new hat of matted wool!
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︎ Apr 02 2019
What is the one fruit you cannot purchase by itself?
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︎ May 14 2018
My favorite brand of almonds is offering a free tank of gasoline with every purchase
Blue Diamond Fill-Ups have been a big hit
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︎ Mar 22 2019
How do Australian chess pieces pay for large purchases?
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︎ Aug 26 2017
Me: "Hey John, people keep thinking I'm going to purchase beef for them."
John: "Buy me steak?"
Me: "Not you too."
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︎ Mar 19 2018
I went to Cole's this morning to buy cabbage, apparently its a legal requirement for me to also purchase carrots and mayonnaise when purchasing cabbage.
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︎ Sep 13 2018
A duck walks into the pharmacy to purchase chapstick
And asks the cashier to put it on his bill
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︎ Apr 07 2017
Every single time my dad makes a purchase...
and it's between $15.00 - $19.99, he says, "That was a good year." Then proceeds to completely make up a fact about it.
"That'll be $18.84." "That was a good year. They invented steel wool that year."
The look on the workers face is priceless, and is always followed by, "Really?!" Then my dad laughs and says no.
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︎ Aug 17 2013
Why couldnβt the cantaloupe purchase a firearm?
Because he was a convicted melon.
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︎ Jun 01 2018
Little brother makes a purchase
I'm talking to my younger brother on the phone and he tells me that he used his Best Buy gift card. He debated on Beats headphones but decided on Bose. "You made a sound decision little bro".
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︎ Jan 14 2014
Forbidden to purchase food, Euclid's elementary algebraic solution.
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︎ Feb 28 2017
I made a purchase at a second-hand store that added up to $20.16
I complained to the lady that that was last year's price.
She laughed after a few moments of confusion. Was nice to see the smile on her face.
Happy Monday!
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︎ Jul 03 2017
Paul McCartney grew irritated that he couldn't purchase a call girl with impressionist paintings
He said, "I don't care too much for Monet. Monet can't buy me love."
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︎ Oct 25 2017
A Target cashier commented on my purchase
I was buying Goat Simulator as a gag gift for a friend. The cashier looks at it and I smile uncomfortably. He says, "Don't be sheepish about buying this".
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︎ Dec 15 2014
What do you call it when the Big Lebowski does his research before making a purchase?
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︎ Sep 26 2017
Some joker lost his book logging all of his chocolate-covered English toffee bar purchases.
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︎ Mar 27 2017
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
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︎ Jul 01 2019
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, βBy mistake?β
I shouted, βOh come on! Not you too!β
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︎ Mar 26 2019
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for themβ¦
He asked, βBy mistake?β
I said, βOh come on! Not you too!β
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︎ Aug 06 2017
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
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︎ Apr 11 2019
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, βBy mistake?β
I said, βOh come on! Not you too!β
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︎ May 30 2019
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
π︎ 18
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︎ Jun 23 2019
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, βBy mistake?β
I said, βOh come on! Not you too?!β
π︎ 57
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︎ Jun 21 2018
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