Purchasing bees

Customer: I asked for 7 bees but you’ve given me 8?

Pet shop owner: yep, that’s a freebie :)

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I personally witnessed Roseanne purchasing a new Tempur-Pedic mattress.

That’s one memory foam I bet wishes it could forget.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gointobeathell
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t know why people aren’t purchasing my discount marionettes!

There are no strings attached!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/razorbeets
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Purchasing Viagra is the best way to stimulate the economy
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jdabby32
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
On my way in to the supermarket, a gentleman peddling coffins asked if I was interested in purchasing one. β€œA coffin?” I said.

β€œThat’s the last thing I need!”

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanaceaGold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been thinking of purchasing a new watch

It's a time consuming process

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TT_SirHC
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to Cole's this morning to buy cabbage, apparently its a legal requirement for me to also purchase carrots and mayonnaise when purchasing cabbage.

It's Cole's Law.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eng69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece

He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elemexe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
🚨︎ report
While purchasing some items from a supermarket

" Are the socks alright by themselves?"

" Well, they're paired up so they won't get lonely"

Checkout lady chokes back a laugh, and comments that all the socks have girlfriends.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway555789
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
🚨︎ report
I just purchased an electric car.

Do I need a current license?

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
While traveling internationally , I purchased a new car made in Prague for pretty cheap...

When I first started it, the Czech engine light came on!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear there's a new strain of Covid infecting people who recently purchased a vehicle.

They're calling it the car owner virus.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tayrog77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirtybirdal
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you purchase a hair piece that you’re going to share with someone

Toupee

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why aren't people in Norway able to purchase anything?

Kronervirus

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyhacks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife returned a package of pantyhose that she bought online, but they only refunded 90% of the purchase price...

...they claimed the 10% was a re-stocking fee.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say, "remove cap and push up bottom."

I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely. Credit: https://pun.me/pages/dad-jokes.php

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BredSolid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to know how to throw a boomerang

It's not coming back to me now.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malcolm_Y
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?

Put it on my bill.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently purchased a set of wind chimes.

So far it’s a pretty sound investment.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superpie5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I shouted, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
If he turns right, the purchaser becomes purchaser rights
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASHTHEKING5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend purchased a wooden motorcycle. Wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden wheels. I asked if they had ridden it and they said no...

Wooden start

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonRanch1989
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Me (at the numbers store): β€œCan I please purchase all of these averages?”

Clerk: β€œSure, buy all means”

Admittedly a median joke, at best.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.

To summarize:

He's never gonna give you Up

Never gonna lend you Down

Never gonna run around, and dessert you.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I felt bad for eating my Jewish friend's coin shaped chocolate candy he had purchased to given his children at Hanukkah...

Pangs of gelt haunt me to this day!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The Louigiana Purchase.
πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?

At a second hand store.

πŸ‘︎ 591
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Usually I pick the Royal Mail as a deliverer for my purchases

It's because they do it door-tudor

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L24D
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them…

He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I said, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
🚨︎ report
What would be the worst puchase of 2020?

2020 planner

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ribep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I purchased a dog from the blacksmith today...

As soon as a got him home he made a bolt for the door.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WholiganSD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Purchased a new dyson stick vacuum with my girlfriend today..

As we paid the clerk asked if we would like a large bag for it. I instantly responded with "oh. I thought these new vacuums are bagless?".

Massive sigh from my girlfriend and not even a chuckle from the attendant.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xenzor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Just purchased this shirt!
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Manny6059
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I finally purchased a new tube of Fixodent Denture Adhesive Cream for my wife and me!

It was good to strengthen our bond.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.

Turns out...it was a safe purchase.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Purchased a cherry and a microphone

Bought a bing, bought a boom

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/latelobster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy at 7 eleven asked if I wanted 10 free packs of Tic-Tacs with my purchase, and I asked him under what condition?

Mint condition.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LadySparta729
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My store gives Spanish-speaking men 5% off every purchase.

It's a seΓ±or discount.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I finally decided to purchase stock in cannabis.

The company is really growing.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Store clerk: β€œSo, are you sure you want to purchase this pillow?”

β€œI think I’m going to sleep on it.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akshaypbhat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?

Put it on my bill.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I shouted, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 550
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoKyle15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 313
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I said, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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