Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
If you are feeling lonely during the Covid lockdown, why not buy some shares?
It’s always nice to have a bit of company.
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says “you must be single” and I respond with “how did you know?”
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"
If you buy a bigger bed for you room
You get more bed room but less bedroom.
Just saw a video of a guy sending his daughter into the store to buy winter air for their car tires.
Any other good jokes like that to play on my family?
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?
Better not buy pre-shredded cheese
Because doing it yourself is grate
You should buy a bow and arrow.
I got 99 candles, cuz she can’t buy one. [OC]
Buy a man an airplane ticket and he will fly once,
But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.
Why should you never buy Russian Underwear?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom
That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.
“Dad, we hate when you do the grocery shopping because you always buy the cheapest lunch meat you can find.”
What tea do rich people buy?
Never buy flowers from a monk...
Only you can prevent florist friars
Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks ?
Where does a nun buy her cowl?
I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really annoyed
It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.
There once was a man who would buy tons of buckets of roofing sealant, change the label then resell them.
Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?
"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"
My daughter and I went to the grocery store yesterday, and we were amazed by the quality of the produce. We spoke with the Department Manager and offered to buy all of their Romaine
LPT: If you don't want to buy sandwiches to your co-workers, just buy them with mistakes: Other kind of bread, other size...
I buy yogurt to the point where some people call it hoarding
But I know it’s just cultured behaviour
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
So I wanted to buy my wife a nice yellow orchid for her birthday, but then I swapped it for a red rose in the last second...
You could say it was a quick change of plants
I gave my partner some money and told her to go buy coffee
The password is “you need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
I think im gonna need to buy some adderall for my camera
Because its having trouble focusing
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
Why are deers balls are the cheapest meat you can buy?
Because they are under a buck.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
Anybody want to buy my broken barometer?
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
I wanted to drive to the shop to buy some guacamole
Why do people still buy Nokia phones?
When bricks are so much cheaper?
Where is the best place to buy meat in India?
Why did the guy buy glasses during the pandemic?
Because he was trying to be contactless.
Now is the best time to buy a pet bird.
I hear they are going cheep.
So I wanted to buy some flowers
But I couldn’t because the prices rose
I got banned from the buy sell trade group for this but it was worth it. imgur.com/jrZ6LX8
My Fiancée was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
To make extra money, my professor forces all the students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.
I want to buy a female dog and name it “Karma”
Where does a t-rex go to buy groceries
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!
Turns out it was a total sham
Where do you buy Purple things?
When you buy a bigger bathtub,
you have more bath room but less bathroom.
Where can you buy a used pirate ship?
What happens after you and I buy glasses?
Don't buy pre-shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.
So I got a cake
I went to a specialised vendor today to buy a prosthetic limb.
But when I got there ownership had changed hands.
I need to talk with someone about what I should do with my urge to buy woodshop grippers...
If I was drowning and I had enough money for 1 drink I'd buy a rootbeer float.
I went to buy some fruit today but the store was mobbed with protesters.
Ever buy a vibrator
Just to find out it doesn't rate your vibes?
A man wanted to buy a good insecticide
"Is this good for wasps ?" a man asked the retailer.
"No, it kills them" the retailer replayed.
Every time I buy a dozen bees from the bee keeper , he’ll give me 13
He sure does enjoy giving freebees
Always buy two puppies
You should always buy two puppies and name them 'one' and 'two'
Incase one runs away, you still have two.
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
You gotta be careful getting into tennis, they have you buy a bunch of extra stuff you don’t need...
Wanted to go and buy a used smartwatch
But there's no second hand available.
Just a reminder, don't buy anything with Velcro
Guess, I'll have to buy a new one
With all the shortages, we've been forced to buy the John Wayne toilet paper.
It's rough, tough, and don't take shit off anyone
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers...
The husband says that he didn’t know she sold flowers
A man just made me an offer to buy speakers with no volume controls.
This pandemic got so bad that I had to buy used toilet paper.
It was a shitty situation.
" Dad can you buy me an Xbox ?"
Dad " i"ll buy you ABox first then you work your way to ZBox"
I recently went to the mattress store to buy a new mattress.
The salesman pointed me to a bunch of different options. Ultimately I think I found one that I wanted but the cost was a bit much. I asked the salesman if I could sleep on it and he said yes.
There must have been a misunderstanding because a few minutes later he kicked me out of the store.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
I wasn’t sure which paint to buy..
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it!
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows...
These are uncurtain times
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
I was going to buy the world's most haunted house. I toured it, but it seemed like a normal house...
Nothing jumped out at me.
The worst place to buy a chess set you ask?
Why mustn’t you buy Ukrainian pants?
Cos Cher-knob-yl fall out!
Saw a radio for sale for only $2, wanted to buy it but the volume was stuck on full. Thought to myself...
... boy I just can't turn that down
My wife wanted to buy a ceiling light. She said, “this one comes with a hanging chain but I think we should just mount it flush with the ceiling.”
I said, “that would be off the chain.”
My wife is mad because I never buy her flowers
TBH, I never knew she sold flowers
Had to buy a bunch of baby chickens..
I missed hanging with my peeps.
I don’t usually go grocery shopping, so when my mom asked to buy lettuce, I had to tell myself to romaine calm
Me: When I went to buy hotdogs on Memorial Day weekend they were all gone except these little ones.
My wife: Guess it was a Memorial Day for hotdogs then.
My professor makes all the students buy his book at the beginning of the term to make some profit.
There’s a reason why pilots don’t buy beachside property.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee...
But no. I was charged $30 a pop.
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my dad carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Where did the Apostle Paul buy his mask for the Corona Virus?
At a shop on the road to Damaskus...
I only buy my guns from a T-Rex...
because he's my small arms dealer