Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand shop.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are feeling lonely during the Covid lockdown, why not buy some shares?

It’s always nice to have a bit of company.

πŸ‘︎ 166
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says β€œyou must be single” and I respond with β€œhow did you know?”

She responded, β€œ because you are ugly!”

πŸ‘︎ 206
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"

He's a small arms dealer

πŸ‘︎ 405
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
If you buy a bigger bed for you room

You get more bed room but less bedroom.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Just saw a video of a guy sending his daughter into the store to buy winter air for their car tires.

Any other good jokes like that to play on my family?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Limited_myLes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daveh6475
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Better not buy pre-shredded cheese

Because doing it yourself is grate

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
You should buy a bow and arrow.

it's worth a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SnacksAttacked
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I got 99 candles, cuz she can’t buy one. [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ButterKnifeComics
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Buy a man an airplane ticket and he will fly once,

But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never buy Russian Underwear?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squixo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom

That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FattySuperCute
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œDad, we hate when you do the grocery shopping because you always buy the cheapest lunch meat you can find.”

β€œAw, baloney.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What tea do rich people buy?

Property

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chichard1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Never buy flowers from a monk...

Only you can prevent florist friars

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shroomtree
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks ?

At the second hand store

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuck-o-Dear
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a nun buy her cowl?

At the Habit-ashery

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsYaBoiTrick
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really annoyed

It keeps asking me, β€˜Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says β€˜Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolcalmjeff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
There once was a man who would buy tons of buckets of roofing sealant, change the label then resell them.

Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?

"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/epicukulele
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter and I went to the grocery store yesterday, and we were amazed by the quality of the produce. We spoke with the Department Manager and offered to buy all of their Romaine

if he'd lettuce

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpalupagus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
LPT: If you don't want to buy sandwiches to your co-workers, just buy them with mistakes: Other kind of bread, other size...

Sorry, wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Potato23860
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I buy yogurt to the point where some people call it hoarding

But I know it’s just cultured behaviour

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rant-rant-rant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

πŸ‘︎ 133
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
So I wanted to buy my wife a nice yellow orchid for her birthday, but then I swapped it for a red rose in the last second...

You could say it was a quick change of plants

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my partner some money and told her to go buy coffee

She said, "Fair trade."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The password is β€œyou need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I think im gonna need to buy some adderall for my camera

Because its having trouble focusing

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshd175
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?

Rock pay-for scissors

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Diny_Tick1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are deers balls are the cheapest meat you can buy?

Because they are under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vulker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.

I prefer the ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Anybody want to buy my broken barometer?

No pressure!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/samlewis8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?

iWood

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/derpy_ninetales
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to drive to the shop to buy some guacamole

I didn't avocado

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do people still buy Nokia phones?

When bricks are so much cheaper?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HBMTwassuspended
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Where is the best place to buy meat in India?

At the Delhi

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CriticalBiscuits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the guy buy glasses during the pandemic?

Because he was trying to be contactless.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Now is the best time to buy a pet bird.

I hear they are going cheep.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
So I wanted to buy some flowers

But I couldn’t because the prices rose

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marshmello100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I got banned from the buy sell trade group for this but it was worth it. imgur.com/jrZ6LX8
πŸ‘︎ 410
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My FiancΓ©e was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, β€œShould I buy new beach towels?”

I wrote back, β€œShore.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/srpjr3795
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
To make extra money, my professor forces all the students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to buy a female dog and name it β€œKarma”

Karma’s a bitch

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/26SobbingHorses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does a t-rex go to buy groceries

The Dino-Store

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Insert_UserHere
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!

Turns out it was a total sham

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru_in_flannel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you buy Purple things?

From the La-vendor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Rueben
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When you buy a bigger bathtub,

you have more bath room but less bathroom.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Where can you buy a used pirate ship?

Sea-BAY

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrivensAndShips
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens after you and I buy glasses?

We’ll see

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsplanty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't buy pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afrooooh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.

So I got a cake

-Mitch Hedberg

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a specialised vendor today to buy a prosthetic limb.

But when I got there ownership had changed hands.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I need to talk with someone about what I should do with my urge to buy woodshop grippers...

I need vise vice advice.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
If I was drowning and I had enough money for 1 drink I'd buy a rootbeer float.

They're my favorite.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightHawk37
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to buy some fruit today but the store was mobbed with protesters.

I went bananas.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElsonDaSushiChef
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever buy a vibrator

Just to find out it doesn't rate your vibes?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/udforreal
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A man wanted to buy a good insecticide

"Is this good for wasps ?" a man asked the retailer.

"No, it kills them" the retailer replayed.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I buy a dozen bees from the bee keeper , he’ll give me 13

He sure does enjoy giving freebees

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaunUgLee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Always buy two puppies

You should always buy two puppies and name them 'one' and 'two'

Incase one runs away, you still have two.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/glen192010
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan

Self raising flour

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KillRespectively1
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
You gotta be careful getting into tennis, they have you buy a bunch of extra stuff you don’t need...

It’s a real racket.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hi-Im-new-at-this
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Wanted to go and buy a used smartwatch

But there's no second hand available.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grmblfijx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Just a reminder, don't buy anything with Velcro

It's a total ripoff!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/masterjon_3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Guess, I'll have to buy a new one
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWildNazis
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
With all the shortages, we've been forced to buy the John Wayne toilet paper.

It's rough, tough, and don't take shit off anyone

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/btross
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers...

The husband says that he didn’t know she sold flowers

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MCVeteran69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man just made me an offer to buy speakers with no volume controls.

I couldn't turn it down.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
This pandemic got so bad that I had to buy used toilet paper.

It was a shitty situation.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Edward01986
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
" Dad can you buy me an Xbox ?"

Dad " i"ll buy you ABox first then you work your way to ZBox"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently went to the mattress store to buy a new mattress.

The salesman pointed me to a bunch of different options. Ultimately I think I found one that I wanted but the cost was a bit much. I asked the salesman if I could sleep on it and he said yes.

There must have been a misunderstanding because a few minutes later he kicked me out of the store.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t sure which paint to buy..

Reviews were mixed

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?

Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.

πŸ‘︎ 343
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺI can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows...‬

β€ͺThese are uncurtain times‬

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RLalaggin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I was going to buy the world's most haunted house. I toured it, but it seemed like a normal house...

Nothing jumped out at me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The worst place to buy a chess set you ask?

The pawn shop

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CliffordTheDragon
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why mustn’t you buy Ukrainian pants?

Cos Cher-knob-yl fall out!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JP091404
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw a radio for sale for only $2, wanted to buy it but the volume was stuck on full. Thought to myself...

... boy I just can't turn that down

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BDB384
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife wanted to buy a ceiling light. She said, β€œthis one comes with a hanging chain but I think we should just mount it flush with the ceiling.”

I said, β€œthat would be off the chain.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is mad because I never buy her flowers

TBH, I never knew she sold flowers

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Had to buy a bunch of baby chickens..

I missed hanging with my peeps.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrisonMike1111
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t usually go grocery shopping, so when my mom asked to buy lettuce, I had to tell myself to romaine calm
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timmehthekid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: When I went to buy hotdogs on Memorial Day weekend they were all gone except these little ones.

My wife: Guess it was a Memorial Day for hotdogs then.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsaSnap
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My professor makes all the students buy his book at the beginning of the term to make some profit.

It’s textbook Economics.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a reason why pilots don’t buy beachside property.

Too low terrain.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee...

But no. I was charged $30 a pop.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.

He said, β€œRecords are always a sound purchase.”

πŸ‘︎ 180
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my dad carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, β€œWhat are you going to do with it?”

He said, β€œLet’s cross that fridge when we get there.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did the Apostle Paul buy his mask for the Corona Virus?

At a shop on the road to Damaskus...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/regfol31
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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I only buy my guns from a T-Rex...

because he's my small arms dealer

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gamingfreak207
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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