Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.

That way, I always make a grand entrance.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?

He didn't want to make a rash decision.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedPlanetCorridor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed.( Made by my 5 year old niece)

You buy it from the cat-alogue

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EviL-FeaR
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
I always buy my weapons from a guy called T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Telusion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers

I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pawpaw69420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to buy a new pillow....

but I decided I better sleep on it first

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.

I mean, the arguments for it aren’t even well rounded.

πŸ‘︎ 361
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...

Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-Man54
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
We're going to buy some glasses
πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theManlyMan8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A Must-Buy!
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.

It was the Final Frontier

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
I called Robinhood to complain about not being able to buy more GME

Operator said β€œplease hold”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tegurd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
So, I’ve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I don’t buy into it.

I guess you could say that I’m anti-biotic.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emblemofthecosmos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
Nobody wanted to buy my Red Hot Chili Peppers cd.

I have to give it away now

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?

Chernobyl fallout.

(very dated, but still makes me chuckle)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sircompo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
I tried to buy a mortal kombat soundtrack..

But all I could find is finnish hymns...

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adamj91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes into a pet store to buy a puppy to keep his horses company in their stable.

"What's the best breed for horses like those you'd see in the old west movies," he asks the owner, "my mares are just like that." The owner thinks for a minute, then replies "Dachshund."

The man is surprised, and replies "are you sure about that? I was picturing something bigger that wouldn't get trampled on." The owner nods, and says "Yup, it's just like the movies - if you want your horses to behave, you get a long little doggie."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
I am so incredibly surprised by how easy it is to buy my shirts online...

I swear I nearly shipped my pants.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
At our restaurant, we make sure to buy our pickled cabbage from a variety of vendors.

We've discovered the value of kraut sourcing.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpulentTooth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
I buy a new clock every time a new social movement forms.

Because the times, they are a-changin'.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EatsWatermelon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
My wife has been complaining that I don’t buy her flowers. Tbh I don’t even know she started selling flowers.

Couldn’t post it earlier. Doing dishes, making everyone’s bed, taking trash and all the other household chores ate up all my evening.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shishir-nsane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a guy walk into a store and buy 5 smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be in some extreme mist group.

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second hand shop.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
DO NOT BUY A SHEEPCOW

They're always in a baaaaaad moooood.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro

It's a total rip-off

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxtonGTV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Why did the distance runner buy a new pair of shoes?

It would be helpful in the long run.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryxnisfy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.

I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iron__giant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why people buy velcro shoes.

It's a total ripoff!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YaBoiSav
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the sailor not buy the dvd?

Because it was pirated.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Sherlock Holmes never buys a TV Guide at Christmas.

He knows Watson.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the store to buy chicken broth...

but they said they were out of stock.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watercolorfiddle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

β€œWell, I guess now you really are… independent"

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do the sith buy their stuff

The Darth Mall

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Balorclub35
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
For my next car, I’m going to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.

It will be my Civic duty.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
This year for Christmas, im going to buy a map for Chris Rea ...

He seems a bit lost, he's been driving home for Christmas since 1986

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/endmepleasehhh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the snail buy a Tesla Model S?

To drive it around and make people say "look at that S car go!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to buy a camo shirt

To bad I can’t find any

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is mad because I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold flowers!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrVegano
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

>!The second hand store.!<

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unclebigfoote
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack.

But all I could find were Finnish Hymms.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honeygar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery.

I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rfcoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
"I wouldn't buy anything with Velcro.

It's a total rip-off."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVengefulKitten
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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