One thing you should know about buying a used car is

Your mileage may vary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B7lo1azn6
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
For my next car, I’m thinking of buying a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.

It’ll be my Civic duty.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My mate keeps buying cars

He’s got car owner virus

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksavva
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of buying a new car, but I have...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fantsallie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
This Holiday season it seems like everyone is spending a lot of money and buying cars.

I keep hearing everyone say they are buying their kids a toy yoda.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffspeed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My 15 year old son asked if I’m buying him a car for his 16th birthday.

I told him:

β€œOnce you’ve earned it buy your own Accord.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obvious_santa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Buying a new car

I bought a Dodge Charger recently and thought of the perfect custom license plate today, "PHONE"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BobJoob
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're buying a car for your elephant, make sure it has plenty of trunk space.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theinfinitejaguar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my son that I was looking through a car magazine. "I'm thinking about buying you one..." I told him.

He said, "Oh my god! But...I need to pass my test first."

I said, "No, you don't, it's only a magazine."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the proctologist’s wife like him buying sports cars?

Because he always rectum.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steelersfan999
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Buying a new car

My dad and I were at a car dealership and the car salesman came to us and held out the key to show us the car and said 'Lets look at it' and my dad said 'Wow it is a very shiny key'.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dagr8bomb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Just saw a video of a guy sending his daughter into the store to buy winter air for their car tires.

Any other good jokes like that to play on my family?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Limited_myLes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When you order a large combo meal in north korea what size is your drink?

1 supreme liter.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppy1984
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
If i intend to buy an electric car, do i need a current driving license?
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VladdyThePapi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What must automobile companies do for more people to buy cars?

Spread the CarOwner Virus.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you buy car parts in 962-973 AD Rome?

Otto's Zone.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMelon424
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can’t dogs buy cars?

Because they’re not allowed to break their current leash.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatWanPerson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did Buzz Lightyear go to buy a new car?

To Infiniti and beyond!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wiggle-123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife blindsided me this morning with this....

So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.

While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobkirby12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A customer was about to buy a car

Customer: Cargo space? Sales agent: No. Car no do that. Car no fly.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A redneck wants to buy a German car.

Audi partner!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
A snail goes to a car dealership and wants to buy a car.

He finds one he likes and says to the salesman: β€œI will buy this car as long as you paint a giant letter β€œS” on the hood, the roof, the trunk and all four doors.”

The salesman says: β€œokay, we can do that, but why?”

Snail: β€œwhen I drive down the street I want people to say β€˜look at that S-car-go!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I was hoping to buy a new car but I was after decent onboard storage so after the salesman specified lots of features about it, I asked "Cargo space?"

He replied "Car no do that, car no fly"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Went to a Honda dealership trying to buy a car.

Dad says "so we have reached and Accord"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ragemor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend with this over the weekend....As a car with giant subwoofers drove by blaring music and shaking the apartment building, I asked "you know how you buy one of those cars at the dealership?"

You just ask for the bass-line model.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrumpetJedi
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you never buy a car from the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left and Stalin. They also exclusively paint in red.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadassNyan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2016
🚨︎ report
I want to buy a self driving car...

But every time I go to look at one it drives away!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iforgotevery1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Someone told me that on your cake day you get free karma.

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: "I think this bird wants to buy my new car."

spiffy956: "Wait what? Why?"

Dad: "Because it left a deposit right here!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spiffy956
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Let it Gogh
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awells1012
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Informative product review
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sergeant_RL-3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.

Her: How expensive?

Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000.

Her: You could buy a car for that!

Me: That's a bit excessive -- I don't think it needs its own car.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/which_spartacus
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I once met Meatloaf when I was working as a car salesman.

He came in looking for a small coupe for his wife’s forthcoming birthday. He found one he liked and we completed a test drive together. The car was listed at Β£28,000 plus tax. He was deep in thought looking around the car but unfortunately for me he decided not to buy it. I was in my 20s, had a young family and working a commission only job so a couple of days later I rang him to see if anything could be done. He was keen on the car but didn’t like the Β£28,000 plus tax price tag. I assured him that this was a great price for the car, however he said that it wasn’t so much the price of the car, it was more the tax. He said, β€˜I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do VAT’

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CromulentDucky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad pulls up to a red light, Car next to him revs the engine and yells "race?"

Dad responds "Hispanic!"

πŸ‘︎ 713
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πŸ‘€︎ u/strider820
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my fiancΓ©e while mattress shopping

Yesterday, we went mattress shopping and ended up buying the second or third bed we laid on. In the car on the way back, I told her "That could have been a hasty decision, we should have slept on it first."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tylizzzle628
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
🚨︎ report
For my next car, I’m going to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.

It will be my Civic duty.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
a few jokes that will make u laugh

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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