Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?

He got caught picking his nose!

πŸ‘︎ 396
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frugatti_cuse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Buying vacuums has to be the most confusing thing ever....

You buy the one that sucks the most

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball_hawk15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
This one trick Basketball players dont want you to know, is buying fiber broadband for their balls

It helps them get faster into net

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rethinkr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
I've started buying restaurants and reselling them for a profit

I call it meal estate.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the man stop buying birds?

They were going cheep

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
Anyone interested in buying a broken barometer....?

No pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
I told my friend β€œI’m addicted to buying Beatles albums!”

He said β€œYou need help.”

I said β€œNo, I’ve already got that one”

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThreePeaceSuits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Buying a box of Duraflame logs always requires a little thought...

I have to decide if I have $20 to burn.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyWhatsItToYa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Apple buying the rights to Bambi?

They'll use it for the launch of the new iFawn.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AFMDX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A very young lemon strolled into an underground metro station, buying and enjoying a coffee, chatting with other fruits and eventually riding on a nice, modern train.

One could say it was a sub-lime experience.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePokemasterYT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
I can't think about buying any stupid pure freshly squeezed juice right now.

I need to concentrate.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pirateahoj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:

"Here's your Nickleback."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessieface13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My uncle is buying his wife a crane for christmas

He's really upping the ante

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LashGips
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about buying a new mattress, but I'm not sure.

I think I'll sleep on it.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

β€œAre these knickers satin?" "No” she said, β€œThey’re brand new...”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the pandemic, we should all avoid buying butter.

Together we can stop the spread.

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should people stop buying belts?

Because they always go to waist

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Science_Geek_101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .

It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario

Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Althesia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the great thing about buying a rowboat?

The options vary greatly- it’s never a this oar that situation

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poiuy03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was buying cheese the other day when the clerk came out with a large wheel. Problem is, they tripped, landing on the wheel and crushed it. He asked if I still wanted it. I said no. He asked why.

I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..

He said "You need help."

"I've got that one." I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?

Don't buy any kind of fungi. They take up too mushroom.

πŸ‘︎ 231
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.

This is a most heavy decision.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.

Turns out...it was a safe purchase.

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?

Oh, put a sock in it!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
One thing you should know about buying a used car is

Your mileage may vary

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B7lo1azn6
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
For my next car, I’m thinking of buying a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.

It’ll be my Civic duty.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife has been online this week, buying lots of black and white fabric.

I do hope she doesn’t make a habit of it

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did a dyslexic guy got arrested while buying PopCorn?

He asked for CopPorn instead.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xyz112233
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
"I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records."

"Sounds like you need help." "No, I already have that one."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over... now I’m

Sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.

But it just made scents to me.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Anyone interested in buying my Delorean?

It’s only been used from time to time.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.

It's not me, iReddit somewhere.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wunderbraten
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie β€œup”

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, β€œJust take your Up, vote and go.”

πŸ‘︎ 809
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Silent--Soliloquy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.

Her: How expensive?

Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000.

Her: You could buy a car for that!

Me: That's a bit excessive -- I don't think it needs its own car.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/which_spartacus
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was tricked into buying an ill-fitting shirt while on vacation in a city in France.

It was Toulouse.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I created a bank account dedicated entirely to buying and maintaining bushes

I call it my hedge fund

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SkippyDingleCha1k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Wanna know the real reason nobody is buying corona beer during this pandemic?

They dont want any cases

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DexoPlex828
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
While I was buying some candy the other day, I told the employees a joke.

Got some snickers.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Nade is buying meat for your proposal surprise party.

Will you marinade?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/math-pro
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call panic-buying sausage and cheese in Germany?

The Wurst Kase scenario

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Donosoley2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m buying an estate on a hill that is landscaped with nothing but hostas.

I’m calling it Vista la Hosta, baby!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GalenTK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple were interested in buying a haunted house.

The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:

"What's upstairs?"

"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Goaheadidareyou
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought about buying an ice cream truck and starting up my own business

But I heard the ice cream market is a rocky road

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightAngelic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't know why so people are buying so much TP

But I wish someone would get to the bottom of it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryden22
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Buying a mattress is a big decision.

Be sure to sleep on it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.

It’s the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 154
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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