Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Buying vacuums has to be the most confusing thing ever....
You buy the one that sucks the most
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︎ Feb 12 2021
This one trick Basketball players dont want you to know, is buying fiber broadband for their balls
It helps them get faster into net
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︎ Feb 19 2021
I've started buying restaurants and reselling them for a profit
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Why couldn't the man stop buying birds?
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Anyone interested in buying a broken barometer....?
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I told my friend βIβm addicted to buying Beatles albums!β
He said βYou need help.β
I said βNo, Iβve already got that oneβ
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︎ Nov 17 2020
Buying a box of Duraflame logs always requires a little thought...
I have to decide if I have $20 to burn.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Did you hear about Apple buying the rights to Bambi?
They'll use it for the launch of the new iFawn.
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︎ Dec 19 2020
A very young lemon strolled into an underground metro station, buying and enjoying a coffee, chatting with other fruits and eventually riding on a nice, modern train.
One could say it was a sub-lime experience.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I can't think about buying any stupid pure freshly squeezed juice right now.
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︎ Dec 30 2020
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:
"Here's your Nickleback."
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My uncle is buying his wife a crane for christmas
He's really upping the ante
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I'm thinking about buying a new mattress, but I'm not sure.
I think I'll sleep on it.
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;
βAre these knickers satin?"
"Noβ she said, βTheyβre brand new...β
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Due to the pandemic, we should all avoid buying butter.
Together we can stop the spread.
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︎ Oct 15 2020
Why should people stop buying belts?
Because they always go to waist
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︎ Nov 02 2020
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
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︎ Mar 18 2020
Whatβs the great thing about buying a rowboat?
The options vary greatly- itβs never a this oar that situation
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︎ Nov 21 2020
So I was buying cheese the other day when the clerk came out with a large wheel. Problem is, they tripped, landing on the wheel and crushed it. He asked if I still wanted it. I said no. He asked why.
I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"
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︎ Nov 08 2020
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Don't buy any kind of fungi. They take up too mushroom.
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out...it was a safe purchase.
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︎ Jul 17 2020
What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?
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︎ Oct 01 2020
One thing you should know about buying a used car is
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 05 2020
For my next car, Iβm thinking of buying a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.
Itβll be my Civic duty.
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︎ Aug 30 2020
My wife has been online this week, buying lots of black and white fabric.
I do hope she doesnβt make a habit of it
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. βWhyβd you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?β
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︎ Sep 19 2020
Why did a dyslexic guy got arrested while buying PopCorn?
He asked for CopPorn instead.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 16 2020
"I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records."
"Sounds like you need help."
"No, I already have that one."
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 05 2020
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over... now Iβm
Sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
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︎ Jul 29 2019
Anyone interested in buying my Delorean?
Itβs only been used from time to time.
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︎ Aug 03 2020
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
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︎ May 18 2020
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie βupβ
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, βJust take your Up, vote and go.β
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︎ Oct 15 2019
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive?
Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000.
Her: You could buy a car for that!
Me: That's a bit excessive -- I don't think it needs its own car.
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︎ May 19 2020
I was tricked into buying an ill-fitting shirt while on vacation in a city in France.
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︎ May 04 2020
I created a bank account dedicated entirely to buying and maintaining bushes
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︎ Jun 29 2020
Wanna know the real reason nobody is buying corona beer during this pandemic?
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︎ Mar 31 2020
While I was buying some candy the other day, I told the employees a joke.
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︎ Mar 22 2020
Nade is buying meat for your proposal surprise party.
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︎ May 24 2020
What do you call panic-buying sausage and cheese in Germany?
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︎ Mar 26 2020
Iβm buying an estate on a hill that is landscaped with nothing but hostas.
Iβm calling it Vista la Hosta, baby!
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︎ Apr 26 2020
A couple were interested in buying a haunted house.
The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:
"What's upstairs?"
"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.
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︎ May 27 2020
I thought about buying an ice cream truck and starting up my own business
But I heard the ice cream market is a rocky road
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︎ Dec 31 2019
I don't know why so people are buying so much TP
But I wish someone would get to the bottom of it.
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︎ Mar 19 2020
Buying a mattress is a big decision.
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︎ Oct 12 2020
A friend in Germany tells me everyoneβs panic buying sausages and cheese.
Itβs the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.
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︎ May 17 2020
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