My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebikerdad
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 06 2020
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You know who buys up all the toilet paper?

Assholes.

My dad walked in tonight from shopping and probably told the best dad joke of the century. He didnโ€™t want me to tell anyone, bit jokes on him too!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GrimmQueefer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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A friend told me their daughter is saving up to buy a bow and arrow, and my friend is supportive of this.

I said "That's quite Brave".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/drozzi007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!

She's going to love these flowers!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I decided not to buy a baguette after seeing a pathetic mock up of it in the bakery window.

It was a terrible roll model.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rc538
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the โ€œbrilliantโ€ idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.

To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.

On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.

โ€œDaaaaaddd!!!!โ€ I wailed in tears.

Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said โ€œWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 150
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MarkHonnor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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A guy walks up to the convenience store counter and tries to buy a six pack with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming, grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter until he was out cold.

She was SO upset she had a counter fit.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/boogerknows
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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I wanted to buy my wife and I Tickets to Bob Sagetโ€™s stand up show but it was sold out.

Looks like it is going to be a Full House

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nickfoot9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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So I came up with a comic strip about some overweight guy trying to buy some tight pants.

And the publishers told me that " It's a stretch."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FurriesRGay14
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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What did the dad say to his son who wouldn't shut up about buying him a cup so he could play sports?

Oh, put a sock in it!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie โ€œupโ€

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, โ€œJust take your Up, vote and go.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 812
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Silent--Soliloquy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I thought about buying an ice cream truck and starting up my own business

But I heard the ice cream market is a rocky road

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KnightAngelic
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bstie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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These people buying up all the toilet paper can shove it up their ass.
  • My Dad at Costco
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ezwze
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Why do pirates always end up buying the Jolly Roger for their ships instead of choosing other designs?

Itโ€™s the only one thatโ€™s always on sail....

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sethbacca
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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She did not end up buying it.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/trigunnerd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A guy walks into a bar to find pieces of meat hanging above himโ€ฆ

He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, โ€œIf you can jump up and hit one, youโ€™ll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!โ€

The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, โ€œNah, the steaks are too high.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/snrckrd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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Dog Turd Shopping Spree

Kids were out in the yard cleaning up their dogs landmines with a scooper and putting it in a wheelbarrow.

Middle daughter (Pushing wheelbarrow) : Mom, it's like a cart for poops.

Wife : It's a shopping cart for doggie poops.

Me (Looks wife like shes lost her mind) : Jesus woman, HOW MUCH SHIT DID YOU BUY ?

Right over the kids' heads.

E* Spelling.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MentalMaybe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ€
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pensrule2007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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A man walks in to a bar. On the bar is a duck tap dancing on a biscuit tin.

He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tiger7971
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?

Don't buy any kind of fungi. They take up too mushroom.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 234
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrobeOfWar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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My mom found a 1975 quarter online for $150. Hereโ€™s how it went

i look up the coin online and it is worth $6 in mint condition and tell her the value

My mom: we should ask if theyโ€™ll negotiate

Me: we should buy it and see if we can flip it.

Iโ€™m 16 and fear for my future kids.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shump23
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally, he gets his suit. Heย decides to buy flowers, so he goesย to the flower shop. The flower shopย has a long line, so he waits and waits, untilย he finally buys flowers. He picks up the girlย and they go to the dance. There is a long lineย into the dance, so they wait and wait. Finally,ย they get into the dance, and the guy offersย to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch,ย so he goes to the drink table, and there isย no punch line.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 52
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.

He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and canโ€™t do it, they have to buy everyoneโ€™s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if heโ€™s willing to try it and the guy says โ€œno, the steaks are too highโ€.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 67
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tugboattt
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Finally, they are making a movie about clocks!

It's about time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/itslqb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
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I saw a guy drink a bottle of brandy, then fill it to the top with water and screw the lid back on.

He approached a wild ox. The ox looked at him.

The guy said, "Hello, there, wild ox. Would you like to buy this bottle of brandy from me? ยฃ50, that is all."

The wild ox mulled it over, before pulling out the money and handing it over to the man.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have jumped up and yelled, "It's a con, yak!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 32
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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I have a collection of urns to transfer my grandfather's ashes between them.

I figure he wouldn't want to be cooped up in one urn for long. While transferring his ashes, I broke his good urn. I am going to buy him another good urn. I guess its as the saying goes "one good urn deserves another".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PerfectlyWorthwhile
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Asurarkt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MadeToDisagree
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Why has Nintendo stopped producing the Wii U?

It was time for a Switch.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hankosha
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2017
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Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Jokeโ€™s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since itโ€™s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didnโ€™t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldnโ€™t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapistโ€™s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that heโ€™s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/murlockerLOL
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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I walked into a music store in Chinatown

And started looking at some string instruments. The owner came up to me and said "Cello, good buy!". Confused, I walked out thinking 'what a rude way to greet a customer...'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hlee89
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank, and up to one of the tellers, a young woman by the name of Patricia Wakk. He says to her, he says, โ€œMiss Wakk, my name is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and Iโ€™d like to take out a loan. I make porcelain elephants,โ€ he says, pulling one out from his pocket, โ€œand Iโ€™d like to open a store down on Main Street selling them. I just need a few thousand dollars to buy the shop. Can you help me out?โ€

Now, Patricia doesnโ€™t normally deal in small business loans, so sheโ€™s unsure on the proper protocol involved, so she calls over her manager and explains the situation to him, explaining Kermitโ€™s family ties and showing him the elephant, to which her manager replies,

โ€œItโ€™s a knick-nack, Patty Wakk, give the frog a loan! His old manโ€™s a rolling stone.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/biologicallyfemale
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his dateโ€™s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. โ€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!โ€ He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his dateโ€™s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 51
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ohihatethesepants
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Abbott and Costello meet Microsoft Windows

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Whoโ€™s on first?" might have turned out something like this:

Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Lou Costello: Thanks. Iโ€™m setting up an office in my den and Iโ€™m thinking about buying a computer.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: No, the nameโ€™s Lou.

Bud Abbott: Your computer?

Lou Costello: I donโ€™t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: I told you, my nameโ€™s Lou.

Bud Abbott: What about Windows?

Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Lou Costello: I donโ€™t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bstie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 77
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
a few jokes that will make u laugh

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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