My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.

I told her I’d look into it.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
The price of balloons have me stalling on purchasing more.

That price of inflation is something else!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elizabeth498
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.

I couldn't sway him.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...

I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Purchasing bees

Customer: I asked for 7 bees but you’ve given me 8?

Pet shop owner: yep, that’s a freebie :)

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t know why people aren’t purchasing my discount marionettes!

There are no strings attached!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/razorbeets
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I personally witnessed Roseanne purchasing a new Tempur-Pedic mattress.

That’s one memory foam I bet wishes it could forget.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gointobeathell
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Purchasing Viagra is the best way to stimulate the economy
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jdabby32
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
On my way in to the supermarket, a gentleman peddling coffins asked if I was interested in purchasing one. β€œA coffin?” I said.

β€œThat’s the last thing I need!”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PanaceaGold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been thinking of purchasing a new watch

It's a time consuming process

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TT_SirHC
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to Cole's this morning to buy cabbage, apparently its a legal requirement for me to also purchase carrots and mayonnaise when purchasing cabbage.

It's Cole's Law.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eng69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece

He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elemexe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
🚨︎ report
While purchasing some items from a supermarket

" Are the socks alright by themselves?"

" Well, they're paired up so they won't get lonely"

Checkout lady chokes back a laugh, and comments that all the socks have girlfriends.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway555789
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Ughh..shut up and bill my purchase...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook...

at a second hand store.

πŸ‘︎ 178
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I purchased an inexpensive watering tube.

For some reason, my wife gets upset when I say I bought some cheap hose.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quixote-Esque
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My aunt Marie has been keeping track of her frozen dinner purchases.

It's Marie's Marie Callender's calendar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep. Sat there all day

Just let that sink in

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B3A5TxM0DE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I got fired today because a customer wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese....

I told them we only accept cash.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeetsampat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen

I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I just purchased an electric car.

Do I need a current license?

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought a new treadmill today and I’m not sure how to process this monumental purchase.

I guess I’ll take it one step at a time.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dvddesign
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dirtybirdal
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear there's a new strain of Covid infecting people who recently purchased a vehicle.

They're calling it the car owner virus.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tayrog77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
While traveling internationally , I purchased a new car made in Prague for pretty cheap...

When I first started it, the Czech engine light came on!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I shouted, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife returned a package of pantyhose that she bought online, but they only refunded 90% of the purchase price...

...they claimed the 10% was a re-stocking fee.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you purchase a hair piece that you’re going to share with someone

Toupee

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why aren't people in Norway able to purchase anything?

Kronervirus

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyhacks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?

Put it on my bill.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
If he turns right, the purchaser becomes purchaser rights
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ASHTHEKING5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently purchased a set of wind chimes.

So far it’s a pretty sound investment.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superpie5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The Louigiana Purchase.
πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.

To summarize:

He's never gonna give you Up

Never gonna lend you Down

Never gonna run around, and dessert you.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend purchased a wooden motorcycle. Wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden wheels. I asked if they had ridden it and they said no...

Wooden start

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JonRanch1989
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Me (at the numbers store): β€œCan I please purchase all of these averages?”

Clerk: β€œSure, buy all means”

Admittedly a median joke, at best.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I felt bad for eating my Jewish friend's coin shaped chocolate candy he had purchased to given his children at Hanukkah...

Pangs of gelt haunt me to this day!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad, β€œWhy do you keep buying vinyl?”

He said, β€œRecords...are always a sound purchase.”

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought it was pretty good.

So a Ute pulls into work with a massive turkey on the back in a cage. When the driver steps out to make their purchase I say: β€œI don’t know what you’re feeding that dog but he looks terrible!”

She didn’t even give me a courtesy laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/person_mann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to know how to throw a boomerang

It's not coming back to me now.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Malcolm_Y
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Purchased a new dyson stick vacuum with my girlfriend today..

As we paid the clerk asked if we would like a large bag for it. I instantly responded with "oh. I thought these new vacuums are bagless?".

Massive sigh from my girlfriend and not even a chuckle from the attendant.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xenzor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?

Put it on my bill.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?

At a second hand store.

πŸ‘︎ 596
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I shouted, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 554
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoKyle15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them…

He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I said, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
🚨︎ report

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