I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lifeboat777
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife raises animals and also sells medicines

She's a farmercist

(based on a true story)

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ewormPL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days

It’s elevator music

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFunJr2000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I was working my 9-5 at the paint supply warehouse, I just asked my boss for a raise

He handed me a ladder and asked if that was good enough

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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How do one-armed mothers raise their kids?

Single-handedly.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swistiannt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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What do you call a farmer that raises hens?

A chicken tender.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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We should raise the Lego bricks and help them to a normal Level of Respect!

They have been stepped on for far too long.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_German_Memer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who raises chickens for a living?

A chicken tender.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Relic180
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.

Our spirits were lifted.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MokshK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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**Raises glass** To wives and girlfriends...

... May they never meet.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yorkshirenation
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Not really sure this is a dad joke but my daughter just confused us both. She's making bracelets and said she plans to sell them for 50 cents to raise money for her school.

She said she'll give half to her school and keep a quarter for herself.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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I gave my scarecrow a raise...

His dog died, his wife left him, and he's just downright ugly. Not to mention he's never out standing in his field. I figured he just needed a win.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rucker7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.

Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chubfonduee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Raise your weapon
πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wickedlysane
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I decided to leave my strict, religious Pennsylvanian community to raise ducks. When I told my father, he said "Son, you have a choice"

You can either be a Quaker, or a Quacker.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fischerkidd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the vegetable want a pay raise?

Because he wanted a bigger celery. And maybe even a stock option

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad is currently riding his bicycle across America to raise awareness for Colon Cancer...

[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)

Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/travellingby
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I told my boss that three companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Which companies are after you?" my boss asked. "Gas, electric and cable" I responded.

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand
πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBeebins
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do call a condiment that raises horses?

A Ranch Hand

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/richpriebejrr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Ropes were invented by boat companies to raise sails
πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeaboy123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Let’s raise our glasses
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devinh313
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to raise my weekly budget, but realized I can't..

Because I can't lift more than Β£50!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andianopolis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Let’s raise the steaks here.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I yelled "hello" to my friend walking far from me. He didn't know whether to merely raise his hand or say "hello" back...

He wavered.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
β€ͺCAN you raise your voice unto the malt, sing songs and Heineken of glory‬
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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I need help! I am co-captain of a team to raise money for cancer. My team needs a name. I need to mix some element of cancer with Alice in Wonderland. I need a pun, and I figured this subreddit is the best place to go. Thanks
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ethanfp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Going to start a band for kids to raise the awareness of eating your vegetables.

We are called the Rap Scallions with our debut single β€œPump up the Yams.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeliciousRoreos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I see your Impeachmints, and raise you my
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sideshow_Bob_II
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did a baker ask their boss for a raise ?

Because they need the dough

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wh0ba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
It's amazing that cops don't raise honey bees on the side.

They're experts at sting operations.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Gay couples shouldn't be allowed to raise children

It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JelDeRebel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My job sucks. I even tried calling my boss Viagra, but still no raise.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the pizza-maker ask for a raise?

He kneaded more dough

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MojoMasterGT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I could never raise livestock. But my nephew can.

He’s farmer qualified.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMackOnBass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my boss that I needed a raise, because there’s 3 other companies after me right now.

The electric, gas, and water company.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife got a hair cut, earrings, airpods, and makeup after she got a raise at work.

All that money really went to her head.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T-Lawsome
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
You know why vampires can raise ghouls ?

Because they are neck romancers !

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ferkeshu
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Thomas the Tank Engine use to raise pancakes?

Bicarbonate of Sodor

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perigeesus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes

that way I always start the new year off on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
This espionage agent was so terrible at his job, they sent him to raise sheep instead

He was a shepard's pie

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the short tempered doctor given a raise?

Because he was always the first to run out of patients.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arborgarbage
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend said you need Β£250,000 to comfortably raise a baby.

Although in my experience, you only need two arms.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Not just anyone can raise chickens.

It's a pretty eggsact science.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/89iroc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I hope whoever thought of this name for this peanut butter got a raise.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/christianabiera
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked β€œWhat companies? β€œ

I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report

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