Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020
Dad : let's order some food.
I was ready and wading!
Edit: for clarity.
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
He had bought his protractor in school.
I'm a teacher, and due to recent storms we've had a few short-lived blackouts.
Today in class the electricity was being fixed by the company and they had to shut the lights off for a few minutes.
Secretary (comes in the room): were there any problems with the lights off?
Me (I've got this, I'm ready!): No, we were delighted.
The secretary left, paused outside and then came back in with the worst glare possible. Yes!!!
Thank you guys, I was prepared.
Edit: Front page!!! Awesome! This is the highlight of my day! Keep your puns coming, I love them all (and I'm secretly practicing them for the proper opportunity).
Thank you so much /user/x9x9x9x9x9 for the gold! It made everything that much better.
Keep your puns coming you guys (especially teachers!).
They'll give you an automatic response.
Nothing, he was speechless.
Last night while discussing our options and what could possibly happen, she said "I have such a gut feeling I'm pregnant" and gave me the slyest look I've ever seen.
Killed them both.
It’s a fourth to be reckoned with.
I guess you could say, I drink to spaghett.
The circumstances for this joke were so specific I don't think it will ever be repeated.
Yesterday morning I stopped by my parent's house and my mom had just made coffee. She buys "raw unfiltered honey" from a local farmers market to sweeten the coffee. First she handed my dad his cup, then she was about to put a spoonful of honey in mine when she stopped and said "there's something in this honey!"
I looked at it and it was literally a bee's hairy little leg. I looked in the jar and found one more. I said "its no big deal, im sure its fine", then I picked out the legs. Just then my dad takes a big sip and makes an "Ahhh" sound like he's satisfied. He then holds up the cup and smiles at us like he's in a 1950's Folgers commercial and says "This coffee is the BEE'S KNEES!"
It was epic.
This starts and ends at the local coffee shop I go to on the way to work. My cashier takes my order; sausage, egg & cheese with salt, pepper, ketchup and hot sauce, on toasted rye. She taps away for a moment on the iPad POS then looks up and says "and a name for the sandwich?" to which I quickly raise my chest and proclaim "Breakfast!". To this all 6 people in the shop, including the cashier started chuckling.
Friend A: What'd y'all do this summer?
Friend B: I studied abroad.
Me: Was she at least nice about it?
^^I'm ^^so ^^sorry.
We are at a wedding, the bride and groom have yet to walk down the alter when I look at my father...
Me: "Crap. How much time do I have to go to the bathroom?"
Dad: "Pee now or forever hold your piss."
All veteran fathers rapidly blew air from their noses.
Wife: We should take the short cut this time.
Me: Short cut? But who would want to cut things short?
Wife: ...a hair dresser?
Mom: "Our dog is a pain in the a**" Me: "Why?" Mom: "Well i ran into 2 dogs today at the park..." Dad-"Where they hurt?"
(Not the best but i chuckled a little bit; also long time browser, 1st time poster)
I had just entered the kitchen and my dad was about to go out the front door, when he suddenly turned to me and simply said "pussy".
Me: "for what?"
Me: "I don't get it!"
And THEN HE JUST WALKED AWAY giggling like he always does, and slammed the door. My last words were just echoing in my head after the complete silence he'd left me in, which made it so much more embarrassing.
My auditing professor created a fictitious dog food company for us to audit because he has two golden retrievers he mentions pretty often. A student jokingly asks, "If your dogs eat this food, would that make them stakeholders in the company?" He replied, "Yes, they love steak."