Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
I’m so good at making up puns ..
They actually make me money, some would say I’m an entre-pun-eur.
I was considering giving up puns for Lent, but then I thought... not so fast!
If giving up puns is what will help me be Russian.
man, making up puns...
...is a consonant struggle!
Ah discord bots, perfect for setting up puns
you know what drives old people up the wall?
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
How dare they make someone else clean that up
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there
"For excessive drinking" the officer replies
So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"
When I was growing up, I wanted to become a monk.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend
but he kept asking her for another shot.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
This is my best pick-up line
What do you call a teenager who never grows up?
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
What keeps sheep up at night
Why can't the bike ever get up on time?
I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of orange soda. Then I woke up..
..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.
I took up origami for a while
It was too much paperwork
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says
What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
Someone knocked on my door dressed up as Gloria Gaynor.
At first I was afraid; I was petrified.
Why did the 3 want to hook up with the other 3?
Because of the six appeal.
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
I pulled a muscle while digging up gold
Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?
They have no balls to scratch
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?
I need help coming up puns with the name Fiona
All I can think of/find is shrek jokes and "The owner/Fiona" puns. It would be great if you guys can help.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was
And then it dawned on me.
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