I was raised as an only child....
It really annoyed my sister.
I inherited my dad's collection of shallow flat receptacles with a raised edge, used for carrying, holding, or displaying articles.
It has been shown that cows raised in Mexico are statistically happier on average than cows raised in other countries
They've been reported as feeling "mooey bien"
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Police raised an alert in error, thinking they’d discovered a recently severed appendage.
Two guys walked into a bar, so I raised it a little.
"I've come here to hand over this abandoned cygnet that I rescued and raised"
Animal shelter: "Nice swan".
Louis Braille raised a valid point that made sense.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
The stakes were really raised when I welcomed a vampire into my house.
that's it. that's the whole joke
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...
The were The Ruff Riders.
Her: "I'm thinking about a garden. Like, raised bed."
Me: "Who's Ray?"
Her: "What?"
Me: "And how do you know what his bed is like??"
Her: "Oh my god, shut up."
What do you call a kid raised in a whore house?
When maijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair
It would be called Operation Pot Holes
The Nazis raised a lot of red flags
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
Our local cemetery has raised funeral prices.
They are blaming it on the cost of living.
I raised the alarm at work today....
The midgets were furious.
Wal-mart has raised their low prices
Do you think that when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead...
My dad really raised the bar on this one..
> In a group text with my parents and siblings
Me: Ok all, weekly joke: What is the highest form of flattery?
...
Dad: A plateau?
Me: That's correct! Great job dad :).
[The joke was supposed to end here]
Mom: I don't get it..
Dad: Well then you must be in a canyon because it's over your head!
All: LOL!!
They were raised well
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: ... [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Did you hear about the boy who was raised by the birds?
I guess he was a little cuckoo
Having been raised without a dad, I never realized there was a void in my life until you all filled it. Thank you! In appreciation, I present the only dad joke I've experienced firsthand.
Friends and I are playing Mario Kart 64. Friends' dad comes in.
"Who wants icecream??"
All of us "Me me I do!"
"What flavors do you want?"
"Cookie dough!"
"Rock Road!"
"Strawberry!"
"Ok, I was just wondering."
They replaced the old flat map in our office with a much larger one that has raised textures
Dad raised me right...
Back and forth between me and pops: http://imgur.com/j3Ga22p
I asked my Grandpa, who was raised in Ohio and New Jersey, why he had been born in Pennsylvania
He told me he wanted to be close to his mom.
The vacuum raised the knife up high, and as he was about to kill his first born boy he exclaimed
In drivers ed my teacher raised his arm above his head, and in his hand was a thumb tack.
He asks the class, "what does this mean", while still holding the thumb tack above his head. We sit there puzzled for a moment until he says "It means I'm under a tack."
90% of the pumpkins in the USA are raised within a ninety mile radius of Peoria, Illinois. That's gourd to know.
Dad raised me right
Mom's friend rings the doorbell. Mom answers the door, "Hi Deb, good to see you. We missed you!"
Dad and I, on opposite sides of the room, look up in unison: "With every shot so far!"
The pride on his face was priceless.
My Dad raised me well: I've been making jokes like this all my life.
Today
My wife: My arm hurts from a shot today.
Me: Oh yeah what for?
My Wife: B12, my levels were low.
Me: What is it now, B14 or B15?
My Wife: shakes head
Me: Maybe B20 or 30?
Visiting the Terracotta Army, my Dad took my joke and raised it
I was looking at one of the damaged soldiers, which had only one hand. I said to my dad 'Look, he's 'armless'. My dad, without hesitation, pointed to a group of soldiers which were complete only up to the neck and he said 'those ones just laughed their heads off at that joke'
I was raised as an only child.
It really annoyed my sister.
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