Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
I’m so good at making up puns ..
They actually make me money, some would say I’m an entre-pun-eur.
If giving up puns is what will help me be Russian.
man, making up puns...
...is a consonant struggle!
I was considering giving up puns for Lent, but then I thought... not so fast!
Ah discord bots, perfect for setting up puns
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
This is my best pick-up line
What do you call a teenager who never grows up?
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.
The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
Just signed up for my company’s 401k!
I’m kinda nervous though...I’ve never ran that far before.
There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.
I asked my wife why she lied about where she grew up.
She replied (while using the bathroom): What are you talking about?
I said: You told me you were an American, but European.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing...
But this is as close as I could get.
I wrote an essay in highschool about lottery winners who ended up losing. Apparently I thought this was way funnier than it is.
Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I toiled for hours trying to come up with a good joke about airplanes.
In the end, I felt like the punchline would just go over everybody's head.
What do u call an angle that was beaten up?
I considered giving up my honey business and joining a cult
But I'm just not a bee leaver.
Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!
why don't Greeks like getting up in the morning?
Well, probably because dawn is tough on Greece
This morning I turned up for a meeting for my premature ejaculators support group...
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
I just called up Gamestop consumer support.
They asked me to hold it.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity
So I took it back to the store and they gave me another one free of charge.
I grew up on a street with a lot of friction
You could call it a rough neighborhood
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician.
I just found out you get to work with dikes and strippers.
At first I thought breaking up with an egg would be hard...
Off work today. You could say I'm... All Dressed Up and nowhere to go
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
I need help coming up puns with the name Fiona
All I can think of/find is shrek jokes and "The owner/Fiona" puns. It would be great if you guys can help.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
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