A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...

And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yard.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calliecadillac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When you pull up to two vegans fighting...

Is it still a beef

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolman965
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
People who pull forward into parking spots are living in the moment. Those who back up into the spot, are thinking about the future.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatMetalJesus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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I met a gangster the other day who pulls up people's underwear...

It was Wedgie Cray

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."


Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad pulls up to a red light, Car next to him revs the engine and yells "race?"

Dad responds "Hispanic!"

πŸ‘︎ 718
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πŸ‘€︎ u/strider820
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
🚨︎ report
I entered a pull-up competition and I regret it.

The bar was set pretty high.

(I came up with this joke, though I would not be surprised if this, or a variant of the joke was on this sub.)

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orm40
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I always forget to pull up my zipper.

Because I’m always on the fly.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ismaelarvizu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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I'm glad that exercise you do when you can't do regular pull-ups is called a negative pull-up.

Otherwise, it'd be a letdown.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bugzzzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Mom told Dad to pull up the zipper on his pants

Dad says, "it pays to advertise"

His dry delivery had me in stitches. Best part is when mom said "you've heard that before, he's been telling that joke for 30 years"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
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Growing up and hungry for dinner, my dad would always pull this shit.

Me: Dad, I'm starving! Dad: Well hello Starving, I'm dad! Me: Ughhh Dad! What's for dinner?! Dad: Food. Me: What kind of food? Dad: The food that you eat! Me: GRRRRS;DNDKLNNDLND!!!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Platinum_Mattress
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
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I pulled a muscle while digging up gold

It's just a miner injury

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crimsonangel68
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalnoypirat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I pulled a muscle while trying to come up with some synonyms.

Now I’m thesorest...

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said β€œdo you have a police record, sir?” I said:

Roxanne...

Edit-spelling

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Das_Kommandant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Two snails pulled up next to me at a red light.

When the light turned green they sped away.

I looked to my friend and said, β€œlook at that S car go!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidwayland
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The police pulled up right next to me and my Yamaha on the shoulder of the highway today…

Apparently, it’s not the best place to play a keyboard…

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said β€œpapers?”

I yelled β€œscissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now... I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I was sitting at a stoplight when a gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled down her window. I rolled my window down and smiled at her. She looked at me and said,

β€œWhat? Did you fart too?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Random story, this guy ran up and pulled my eye lashes right out.

I lashed out at him.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherHairyApe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A length of rope walks into a bar and orders two shots...

the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, β€œ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, β€œ No, I’m a frayed knot”.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.

If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garyfromtucson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
When he pulled up outside I told the taxi driver that I left my wallet inside my house.

He sighed and said, "I'm not falling for that one."

I said, "Trust me, it is."

He let me in and five minutes later I heard him honking on the horn, so I looked out the window.

He said, "Stop messing around, will you? Your wallet. You must have found it by now."

I said, "No, I haven't got it."

"Well, why the hell not?"

I said, "This isn't my house."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
It is so cold in Chicago today that teens are pulling up their own pants.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tayloed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there

A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there, so he walks over to join him. "What a coincidence!" the guy says. "I was just saying earlier today that I really needed a doctor's appointment." The doctor pulls up his calendar on his phone and says, "Well, how about 10 tomorrow?" "No," the guy replies. "I don't need that many."

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A car pulled up beside me at the side of the road.

Its driver said, "Excuse me, buddy. I was wondering if you could give me a few directions?"

"Sure...North West and South East," I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I walked up the driveway, and my dad was pulling weeds. I asked how is day was going.

"I'm getting to the root of the problem!" He says.

πŸ‘︎ 146
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thatsbologna6
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son pulled up a chair next to me while I was playing poker today and said "I wanna watch."...

I replied "Go get a job and buy one yourself then."

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wwjjgg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Pulling up to Olive Garden last night with my Dad

"There's a lot of cars out here what if there's a wait?"

"I'll lift it" - my Dad

Edit: Grammar

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zapcat16
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their boats?

So when they pull up to port, they can Scandanavian

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabz09
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

β€œYou’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, β€œWell that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

πŸ‘︎ 845
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πŸ‘€︎ u/engineer_of_sorts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Pulled this one on my friend while setting up lunch plans. Then I holstered it.

Me: When do you wanna meet up?

Friend: I will give you a definite time later. We are shooting for 11:30.

Me: I feel bad for 11:30. What did it ever do to you?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Warning!

Be aware We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) I went to pick it up last night and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weedwacker01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.

So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.

Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"

"What was that?"

"It sounded like the voice of God!"

"Well let's try somewhere else."

They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:

"There are no fish here!"

So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:

"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeppermintBiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I got pulled over by a cop. He came up to me and asked "Do you know why I was following you?"

I said "My tweets were funny!"

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Baddassnumber7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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