A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
Whats with the saying "that's how you get ahead in life"?
I was already born with one.
The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time
It had cutting edge technology
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
Which kind of pension do I need for the road ahead?
Theres 3.3 million people in here so I figured id go ahead and post that im looking for one night stand.
Matter of fact, make it 2. I need one for each lamp.
A truck ahead of me spilled its load of cabbage all over the highway...
I was driving with my daughter when she suddenly pointed her finger to an orange sign and said “Look Daddy, Road Works Ahead!”
I said “I sure hope it works, or we’ll have to take a longer route!”
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
Have you heard about the new game getting released? It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, graphics are truly real life, an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible. It’s called:
Go outside and ride your bike
Down periscope and full speed ahead!
Innovation ahead of its time
What is it called when someone farts while walking ahead of someone else?
Go ahead, ridicule me for not knowing what confectioner's sugar is.
Watch where you step, its Rocky up ahead
I had been lost in Las Vegas for days, wandering the streets. Up ahead, I thought I saw my hotel...
Warning: major spoilers ahead!
Europe is ahead of our time
Go ahead and storm if you dare.
I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier didn’t put the batteries in the same bag with my food and I said it’s cool go ahead and put them in the same bag I don’t care he looked at me with a straight face and said…
Is that how you get your electrolytes?
Wow this joke was miles ahead of me when this came out
We were learning graphs in maths and we were way ahead of the other classes
I guess we were ahead of the curve
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Long joke ahead, but well worth it.
A while ago, there were some friars who needed to raise money, so they opened up a flower shop. Across the street, there was another flower shop that had already been open for a few years. Afraid of competition, the owner politely asked the friars to sell something else in heir shop. They refused. People liked the new flower shop better, so the first shop’s profits started dropping. Concerned that he might go out of business, the owner of the first shop asked the friars to close their shop. They refused. Some time passed, and the first shop was on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate, the owner begged the friars to close their shop. They refused again. Then, the owner of the first shop used the last of his money to hire a hit man named Hugh Williams to beat up the friars and trash their shop. He did, and when he was done, he told the friars he’d be back if they didn’t close down. Scared for their lives, the friars agreed, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.
I wanted to cook chicken for dinner, but I forgot to take it out of the freezer ahead of time.
It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.
So we’re driving down the road and I see rest area ahead. I say, hey kids
Speak now or forever hold your pee.
I was in the car with my 10 year old daughter and there was a sign that said road works ahead. She’s said road works ahead , that’s a relief. I’ve never been so proud to be a dad.
Silly James not thinking ahead
One day, my buddy and I were playing a game of cribbage and I was far ahead of him. He told me “Man, you are on fire.”
I shouted back at him “Then put me out already!”
When you schedule a blowjob you plan ahead
I know dad jokes aren't for everyone, but I thought I'd go ahead and post one here...
My wife said, “Why do you always insist on walking ahead of the rest of us?”
I said, “Sorry. I don’t follow.”
Go ahead and have your brakes checked!
I hike most mornings, so I went ahead and made a playlist with music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.
Spoiler alert, dad joke ahead
"No matter how far you throw an envelope, it will still be stationary"
I thought I saw an Eskimo on the road ahead
But it was just an optical Aleutian.
My wife said, “Why do you always insist on walking ahead of the rest of us?”
I said, “Sorry. I don’t follow.”
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