It was kinda pointless...
..and it has given me food forethought.
I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”
Dr. Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'.
What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?
A: Lenin suits
What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?
A: That'll leave a Marx!
What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?
A: Stop Stalin and get to work!
What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?
A: Mao! That hurts!
An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.
The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."
The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."
20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.
The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"
The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."
I think I was getting ahead of myself.
A well thawed out plan.
http://imgur.com/a/d9f8Y
Compared to what the procedure used to consist of, there's a vas deferens.
The whole idea of Forge of Umpires confuses me.
So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like “bloody good luck” or “sorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!
Thanks in advance :)
Mary was giving Joseph the silent treatment for not booking a room in advance (this came from my dad 🤣🤣)
It's groundbreaking.
I told a pilot to try my cooking
He said it was plane
Dad: It sure is a nice day for a baseball game.
Mom: Tomorrow it will be too
Dad: Oh, it’s a doubleheader?
Mom and me: 🤔
Dad: Wry smile
Me: Dad, you still got it
They should call him Iron-y Man.
Came here before to post a time travel joke...
Edit : Apologies in advance if you're reading this as a repost from tomorrow
In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" 😂🤣
When going through some of my deceased father's things, I found a card that says "Gold Mouse Story" and "Do you have a little gold Mexican?". This is sort of a shorthand he used to jot down jokes on index cards - a short description and the punchline.
I have no idea what this might refer to so I am asking here. Does this sound familiar? I apologize in advance if it turns out to be racist!
Hi, a friend of mine had to organize a “theme”week for a Biology student’s association. The name of the theme has to be a biology pun. Examples are: smells like green spirit, game of thorns, sofishticated or the great catsby.
These names were all used in the past and now she needs new names. Help me out, thanks in advance.
The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.
But I am So. Stuck.
A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...
I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.
Thank you in advance! 🍔
Hi everyone! I need some dad jokes involving ghosts and poker for a dungeons and dragons campaign I'm doing. Thanks in advance to all you that have some!
Capitalist
My sincere apologies in advance 😉
I need a pun about chemistry and kindness for a project. Thanks in advance!
My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.
He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.
The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.
I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:
“I’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”
“Honey,” I said, “it’ll never work.”
“Why not?!”
“Because you can’t rush Art.”
Fishizzle!
Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.
Thanks in advance.
Hey redditors, I need your wit for a good cause,
I'm gonna graduate in less than two weeks and in my country (Italy) is traditional to give a token to those who attend the graduation and for that reason I've decided to brew some beers and give a bottle each. I'm now in the process of deciding the name of my beer and I would like to have something witty and cool but have no idea.
The possible themes would be graduation (or laurea in italian), bioengineering, biomedical engineering, engineering or, best of all, BOOBS (or any synonym) as that's the theme of my master thesis.
Thanks in advance for any help I'll get
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home.
He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite.
The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance.
Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no". I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
I apologize in advance as this isn't exactly a joke, but whenever my son (23) asks me this question, I always answer with a wildly incorrect age. It is even better when his friends are around. I was curious if this counts as "Dad Joke behavior" and if anyone else does this or has a dad that does it.
Some examples
- When was I toilet trained- 12
- When did I stop sleeping with my ass in the air- 15
- When did I stop dropping my pants and underwear to my ankles to pee at a urinal- 14
Thanks in advance to u/entrinao for suggesting this subreddit to me :)
My dad had knee surgery yesterday And my wife made some cookies, she wants to write some witty knee jokes on them with frosting and we "kneed" your help! Thank you in advance all your beautiful people !
I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”
I said, “Just you wait.”
I told her, “Just you wait.”
I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait!”
