Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
I’m so good at making up puns ..
They actually make me money, some would say I’m an entre-pun-eur.
If giving up puns is what will help me be Russian.
man, making up puns...
...is a consonant struggle!
I was considering giving up puns for Lent, but then I thought... not so fast!
Ah discord bots, perfect for setting up puns
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
What do you call 2 guys tied up and stuck in a window?
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
How does a baby look something up?
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
I found a knife at the bottom of my ornament box (no idea why) so I picked it up and announced “‘twas the knife before Christmas!”
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
Why did Bilbo Baggins not want to give up the ring?
It was a force of hobbit.
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
More and more people are taking up horse breading as a profession
Apparently it's a very stable career choice.
Jesus grew up poor but...
At least he was born in a stable situation.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.
It's just water under the fridge.
My 3 yr old just cracked me up with this joke as I was putting him to bed
Why did the tree moo?
Because there was a cow stuck in it!
My 5 year old came up with this one. What is a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A bone and arrow (Kid loves to play minecraft sooo... yeah)
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K...
I’m not sure how he expects anyone to run that far!!!
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
I don't plan to put up solar panels.
But if you do, more power to you.
What washes up on the shores of small beaches?
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
The butchers wife always messes up everyone's orders.
My company keeps asking me to sign up for a 401k.
There's no way I could run that far.
My Dad was really proud of the chicken fence he put up for the chicken run.
I bought a book called "How to walk up stairs."
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
....
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says
I need help coming up puns with the name Fiona
All I can think of/find is shrek jokes and "The owner/Fiona" puns. It would be great if you guys can help.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
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