My dad always told me to "Measure twice, cut once"...
One day he measured once but cut twice and lost his job as a Rabbi.
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I hate people who use the same word twice in a sentence...
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 11 2021
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...
Thatβs inflation for you!
π︎ 55
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Twice told
I was diagnosed with dyslexia twice, one cancelled out the other and now I can read just fine
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 23 2021
A president getting impeached twice?
That really trumps all the rest.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I draw my 8s twice as big as any other number
My boss just can't taller eight it
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I wonder if there will be a term for a President whoβs been impeached twice
At least I know there wonβt be two terms!
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 14 2021
You can't have oatmeal twice in a row.
It's called oatmeal, not oatmeals
π︎ 21
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︎ Oct 28 2020
Iβm mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.
What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.
π︎ 53
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︎ Aug 15 2020
If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?
π︎ 14
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︎ Aug 09 2020
Where do you go when you see the same post twice?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 25 2020
What is it called when you see the same fencing meme twice in a row?
π︎ 20
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︎ Jun 23 2020
You donβt have to tell a Border Collie something twice
They herd you the first time.
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 01 2020
The sun came up twice today
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 13 2020
What happens twice a day but once a year?
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 02 2020
I accidentally killed off my herb garden twice. As I replanted it yet again I thought to myself...
"Third thyme's a charm."
--
Based on a true story. Wife's eyeroll suggested this 100% belonged here.
π︎ 14
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︎ May 29 2020
Twice Cube
π︎ 19
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︎ Feb 25 2020
Did you know that a pregnant horse can run twice as fast?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 07 2020
A horse walks into a bar with a maths problem that says 'If a shape has a width twice the size of its length, which is the greatest in size?'
The barman says 'y, the long face'
π︎ 212
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︎ Sep 23 2019
If I write βhistoryβ twice on a a page...
...does it mean Iβve rewritten history?
π︎ 8
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︎ May 11 2020
There's an old saying in Florida, "Impeach me once, shame on you. Impeach me twice, shame on Me..."
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.
Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.
π︎ 18
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︎ Apr 15 2020
Know what's twice as bad as a toothache?
A fourth ache!
Told my daughter this one earlier.
"REALLY DAD?!"
π︎ 19
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︎ Jan 26 2020
Dr Seuss was recently convicted for shoving a man on to a mountain of corn, and stomping him to death, then shooting him twice, all while wearing womenβs clothes.
sadly this is the 3rd case this week of a pop pop crop-top crop top pop hop
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 23 2020
Never play the same drum twice...
Or there'll be repercussions.
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 20 2020
What do you call it when you get the Corona virus twice?
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 12 2020
Did you hear about the environmentalist who went down the same bicycle route twice?
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 26 2020
I never think twice about scratching myself
it's always a rash decision
π︎ 24
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︎ Feb 19 2020
I bet you'll read the title twice.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 27 2020
Every morning I take a bike ride through the park at least twice no matter how exhausted I am...
I always push myself to recycle.
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 04 2020
The fact that we're still minting the penny even though it costs nearly twice as much as it's worth makes no cents.
π︎ 107
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︎ Jun 09 2018
I just watched a video where a guy gets electrocuted twice.
π︎ 35
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︎ Jun 04 2019
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
π︎ 109
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︎ Jan 15 2019
Think twice before you cross that street
I heard it's really well-connected in this city
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 11 2019
Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me...
Screw me 3 times and we have a baby.
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 29 2019
What do you call a cold you get twice?
π︎ 184
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︎ Apr 18 2018
I went to fill up my car's wheels today, but was shocked it was twice as expensive!
Inflation prices are getting out of hand.
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 09 2019
Dadjoked twice in 2 minutes.
My mum doesn't like that I'm drawing and designing tattoos for people, so my dad just goes
"She's worried you'll get drawn into it all."
Then the next minute he just spouts "A Farmer got a nobel prize, he was outstanding in his field."
It's only 8 in the morning..
π︎ 904
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︎ Aug 21 2014
I called 911 twice today - and no answer...
I tell you: those guys at 1822 are the worst.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 06 2019
Me: I hate having to jack up my car because there's no central place to put the jack so it takes twice as long.
My Dad: (without missing a beat) Man, that's jacked up...see what I did there?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 17 2019
π︎ 107
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︎ Feb 10 2016
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