I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...

That’s inflation for you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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A president getting impeached twice?

That really trumps all the rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robjmcm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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I wonder if there will be a term for a President who’s been impeached twice

At least I know there won’t be two terms!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agrajag22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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You can't have oatmeal twice in a row.

It's called oatmeal, not oatmeals

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverlordQ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I’m mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.

What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?

Nice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doorbell28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you go when you see the same post twice?

To the eye doctor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chipperphilly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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What is it called when you see the same fencing meme twice in a row?

A riposte!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamuelTurn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
You don’t have to tell a Border Collie something twice

They herd you the first time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paisleywinda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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The sun came up twice today

Once in conversation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/haytak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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What happens twice a day but once a year?

4:20 🌿🌿🌿

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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I accidentally killed off my herb garden twice. As I replanted it yet again I thought to myself...

"Third thyme's a charm."

--

Based on a true story. Wife's eyeroll suggested this 100% belonged here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainPatent
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Twice Cube
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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If I write β€œhistory” twice on a a page...

...does it mean I’ve rewritten history?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weetabix_gryphon
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Did you know that a pregnant horse can run twice as fast?

It has 2 horsepower

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vagabondsadhu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There's an old saying in Florida, "Impeach me once, shame on you. Impeach me twice, shame on Me..."

"...lania."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eo_mahm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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A horse walks into a bar with a maths problem that says 'If a shape has a width twice the size of its length, which is the greatest in size?'

The barman says 'y, the long face'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Know what's twice as bad as a toothache?

A fourth ache!

Told my daughter this one earlier.

"REALLY DAD?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Dr Seuss was recently convicted for shoving a man on to a mountain of corn, and stomping him to death, then shooting him twice, all while wearing women’s clothes.

sadly this is the 3rd case this week of a pop pop crop-top crop top pop hop

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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Never play the same drum twice...

Or there'll be repercussions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lateronthemenjay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you get the Corona virus twice?

Dos Equis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thatswhatsup327
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the environmentalist who went down the same bicycle route twice?

He re - cycled

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForeverGing3r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I bet you'll read the title twice.

Title

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameTheTrait
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I never think twice about scratching myself

it's always a rash decision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning I take a bike ride through the park at least twice no matter how exhausted I am...

I always push myself to recycle.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirateking1000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The fact that we're still minting the penny even though it costs nearly twice as much as it's worth makes no cents.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BpRue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I just watched a video where a guy gets electrocuted twice.

It was revolting.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Think twice before you cross that street

I heard it's really well-connected in this city

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hank_the_Hand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?

Because he was asked to research.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleaknova
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to fill up my car's wheels today, but was shocked it was twice as expensive!

Inflation prices are getting out of hand.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyrus9898
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cold you get twice?

De ja-flu

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hurmando
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I called 911 twice today - and no answer...

I tell you: those guys at 1822 are the worst.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/proborc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: I hate having to jack up my car because there's no central place to put the jack so it takes twice as long.

My Dad: (without missing a beat) Man, that's jacked up...see what I did there?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gingerCB
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked twice in 2 minutes.

My mum doesn't like that I'm drawing and designing tattoos for people, so my dad just goes

"She's worried you'll get drawn into it all."

Then the next minute he just spouts "A Farmer got a nobel prize, he was outstanding in his field."

It's only 8 in the morning..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oysterchild
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken roll around in dirt then cross the road twice?

Because he wanted to be a dirty double crosser

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pinkninja1228
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did you post the same picture twice? imgur.com/YYTgCt4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
🚨︎ report
There is a heated debate on whether we really need to change our clocks twice a year...

It's about time.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirillsimin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
If you fib twice in a row, you'll be unable to move.

That's a pair-o-lies.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slappy_G
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are dogs twice as fast as humans?

They have twice as many legs

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aligantz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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