MY GIRLFRIENDS DOG DIED SO I GOT HER AN IDENTICAL ONE

SHE WAS LIVID AND SCREAMED WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH TWO DEAD DOGS !

Current status.. single

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobohougsy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease

We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

Our first single is "Bread or Alive."

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrranger11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats the difference between spotify and tinder?

One you hear new singles, the other you see new singles!

And if you really like them you think "album them if I can"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Ok m sorry to let everyone at r/dadjokes down.

I haven’t been able to tell a single dad joke all year

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jangooni
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A stormtrooper and a red shirt get into a fight

Despite not receiving a single hit, the red shirt died.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soaraf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of Occam's razor?

It's a single blade

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blepharon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do all new Reddit Accounts have in common with the new MacBook Air?

Not a single fan.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do one-armed mothers raise their kids?

Single-handedly.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swistiannt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there’s not a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Jewish mom: Help! Is there a doctor here?!

Doctor: yes

Mom: are you single?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roee30
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Duck hunting

2 guys went duck hunting. They were out there all day and didn't get a single duck. One turns to the other and says I don't understand why we haven't gotten anything yet. The other guy says I don't know, maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/syhendrickson
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Clerk at the DMV: Do you want to be an organ donor?

Me, every single time without fail: Sure, but not right now. I’ve got stuff to do today.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
When I moved to the city, I went to a bar where they only served individually wrapped cheese slices...

It was a cool singles bar.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter....

St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."

He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"

The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".

St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"

The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."

"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"

The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".

"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atheistmil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do so many pirates wear an eyepatch?

Because pirate has a single β€˜i’

(Please don’t throw me overboard)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/W-eye
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A man and a women order a McDonalds

The man orders a Big Mac and a large fries. His wife orders a single cheeseburger. When the woman finishes her burger she glances at her husband. He has finished his burger and is moving onto the fries.

Still hungry, she looks at the fries and asks, 'Do you mind if I have a couple?'

He sighs and says, 'I suppose so,'

So she reaches over and takes a handful. The husband turns to her and asks, 'Is that a German couple?'

Confused, she responds, 'What is a German couple?'

He says, 'nein' as he slides his food out of her reach.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joe4nna
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t need an entire biscuit.

Just a single bis is fine. Don’t need a whole kit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Just saw the movie IT

Dissappointed, didnt see a single computer get fixed.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a perfect memory.

I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was told to play Magic to be happy

But Happiness is just not in the cards

Came up with this one myself. I learned today there is not a single card in Magic the Gathering named Happiness.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dimir_Frost_Mage
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Captain Hook fight Peter Pan & the lost boys?

Single-handedly.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Really disappointed by lack of diversity in LG

I just visited their wireless section and didn't see a single LG BT device

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MordaBest
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My "bathroom humor" comedy routine was a failure ...

I couldn't get a single laugh from the guys in the other urinal stalls.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes to the grocery store...

A man goes to the grocery store and buys 2 apples, a banana and an onion.

The lady at the checkout counter says, "You must be single".

The man says, "Wow, how did you know?"

The lady says, "Because you're ugly."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fragzilla360
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the amoeba children get their own smartphones?

Everyone knows that an amoeba is a single cell organism.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a bag of bird seed and I'm SO disappointed...

Not a single bird grew after I planted it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
10 Stupid Puns
  1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

  2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

  3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But IΒ mistΒ my chance. I guess I couldΒ dewΒ itΒ tomorrow!

  4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

  5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

  6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

  7. Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

  8. I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!

  9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

  10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I've never lost a World Series finals.

Never lost a boxing match against Muhammed Ali either. Also never lost a single game in the NBA Finale.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/julesvdz
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?

Because they single file to hide their numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/popegonzo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The food bar at the internet cafe was sold out today

I couldn't get a single byte

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How are one handed people so independent?

Because they do everything single-handedly.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aditya_Bhargava
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
[grocery store] Ok, milk...check, eggs...check, tomatoes...check.

β€œSir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What does an empty room and a room full of married people have in common?

You can’t find a single person in it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kenduvo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

Because there wasn’t a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person in the room

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toolaroola12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room of married people be empty?

There's not a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thunderup_14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report

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