Which country has the most oil?
I went on a date, and all she kept talking about for three hours was olive oil
I’m thinking extra virgin
Why is it so hard to impress oil connoisseurs?
I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My wife shouted, “You’re shirtless and also covered in oil?” I chuckled, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”
“Listen! You never listen!”
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
If the price of oil futures goes any deeper, it will hit oil.
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate. If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. What do you call someone who makes their fortune...
Martin finds an old oil lamp
Genie: "You get three wishes. I can't kill anybody, I can't make anybody fall in love, I can't bring anybody back from the dead, and you can't wish for more wishes."
Alladin: "I wish that I was rich!"
Rich: "... I wish that I have a lot of money."
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
What did the oil say when it crashed it's price into negative value?
I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Mother’s Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...
If oils squeezed out from flowers and herbs are essential,
and we squeeze a few out during the quarantine, why isn't porn is an essential service?
If you’re thinking about doing something illegal oil yourself up first.
That way you’re a smooth criminal.
What kind of oil does Popeyes Chicken use?
What did the oil lamp say to the flickering candle?
Do you want to go out sometime soon?
A jar of peanut butter needed an oil change
Q. What's the most important thing you can do with crude oil?
A. Teach it proper manners!
Brought it in for an oil change, says he only drives it from time to time.
“Oil on Canvas.”—- Anonymous Artist, circa 21st century.
What's a ducks favorite motor oil?
“Oil on canvas”——Anonymous Artist, circa 21st century.
My uncle Arnie asked me if I knew where extra virgin olive oil came from. I said no and he said very ugly trees.
Someone shipped me a box of essential oils
And now I have a case of the vapors
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
Oil bet this would be great to drive out and go star gazing with
Oil on canvas. Hehe (best part? It was painted with acrylic!)
Is that vegetable oil?
"No I melted some butter"
"Thanks for clarifying"
I heard "Starry Night" was painted with oils
I could use it to make my Van Go
Working at sams club i would collect boxes as they would empty. A customer came up to me and said "can i have a few of those flat boxes? I use them when i change my car oil so it doesnt stain my floor."
So I say "of course, that's a great idea. That's really thinking outside the box."
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
Olive oil and I have one thing in common
Why was the oil so well educated?
Archaeologists have discovered an oil stain that might be more than a thousand years old.
My theory as to why USA and Cuba had their dispute was because of oil. Evidence you say. I just found Fidels Castrol
What do you call people who change oil at the end of a race?
How much oil was spilled?
Did you guys watch the news? Someone poured oil all over a major Jordanian city and heated it up.
I think my wife wants me to cover myself in oil.
I vaguely overheard her going on and on about how I never glisten.
My son started taking thc oil....
Traditionally, there are no blues used in oil paintings
What do you call a rude oil?
Didn't c that coming Huh?
Palm oil is quite a handy thing to have around the house
I'd tell you the one about the lady who slipped in the oil...
How does olive oil lose its virginity?
There was some baby massage oil in the supermarket.
Impressive, I thought. I'm 25 and I don't know how to do a massage.
Why did the bald man put fish oil on his head?
Because he thought it would make his herring grease.
My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in…oil?”
I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”
My wife said, “Listen! You never listen!”
What spell would a geologist in the world of Harry Potter use to find oil?
For my Bbq I decided to expirement by marinate all the meat in THC oil
The steaks have never been higher.
What emotion does a major oil crisis provoke?
What do you call a Pokémon that needs oil?
Why did the orange use suntan oil?
An oil company got in trouble for a minor offense...
It was a fraction of a fracking infraction.
Shoutout to the "boobs" I saw after getting my oil changed
What do you call the oil that's not edible anymore?
"Is there any kind of oil that evaporates?"
Dad, what does it mean if olive oil is "extra virgin"?
"It means it must be in your friend group."
Damn dad. Cold.
When it comes to good quality olive oil, I feel sorry for green olives...
They must be under a lot of pressure.
My boyfriend said, "Do you know how extra virgin olive oil is made?"
"It's made from really ugly olives."
A bit of oil was floating in a puddle creating a swirly rainbow effect
My phone used to only turn on if it was being deep-fried in seawater and oil.
It was charged with a salt and battering.
I threw a bottle of Omega 3 cod liver oil pills at my son earlier...
His injuries are nothing more than super fish oil
What do you call the marriage of a thin potato to a vat of hot oil?
"We can't just let people dump oil on the sides of hills willy nilly!"
Beginning of a Slippery Slope argument.
I'd tell you about the fat kid who slipped in oil...
Why is synthetic oil such a great product?
Because it's so we'll refined!
I went to the health food store and asked for lavender oil. They said they didn't have it.
I said "But it's essential."
I watched a documentary on oil pollution today...
My wife said "Go get me olive oil."
I said "I'm not gonna go fight Popeye for her, you go get her."
(My dad looking at some oil today)
Why is it virgin? I haven't seen a pregnant one yet. (I love my dad)
Oil falls below $50 a barrel
Dad: We should sell the house and just store oil somewhere..... Then again that'd be a rather crude way to live!
He then began chuckling to himself for 5 minutes.
Is cooking popcorn in corn oil Kosher?
If there's an oil spill in the ocean, they'll need an all porpoise cleaner
The whole area will need to be sealed off
I ran into a dog wearing a vest that said "SERVICE ANIMAL" so I did my bit and gave him an oil change.
Friend dropped this one while talking about the movement of oil in the car when you start it compared to when the engine is hot...
Friend: Yes, it's a viscous cycle.
In risky situations: Looks like we're cooking beef in hash oil...
Because the steaks are high!
Tomorrow I have to take my Q40 into the dealership for an oil change, then pick up new bed sheets and some towels.
To Infiniti, and Bed Bath & Beyond!
My dad told me how olive oil used to be made.
Me: I wonder how they pressed olive in ancient times.
Dad: They probably used Oliphaunts.
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call him a shipping magnate. If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. What do you call someone who makes his fortune selling fridges?