Today I bought extra virgin olive oil

After I used it it was just olive oil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EthiopianBrotha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?

Attempted Hummus-ide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Hydrogenated THC oil is a high margarine commodity
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeCarrie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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What makes oil boil?

The letter β€˜b’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Where does extra virgin olive oil comes from ?

Really ugly olives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Came home from the store with off-brand vegetable oil

wife threw it directly in the trash to teach me a wesson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twitchard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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People were offended when I told them a joke about oil.

They did not like my crude humor. I'll have to refine it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Drilling for oil

Is boring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I heard a large oil company is making fuel out of bug urine...

I think it’s BP.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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Which country has the most oil?

Greece

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shooked_bruv420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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I went on a date, and all she kept talking about for three hours was olive oil

I’m thinking extra virgin

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.

Worst french fries I've ever had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sttommyboy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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I spilled some oil

And now it’s spoiled .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..

I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Why is it so hard to impress oil connoisseurs?

They have refined tastes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Villagecreep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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My wife shouted, β€œYou’re shirtless and also covered in oil?” I chuckled, β€œWell, you’re always saying I never glisten.”

β€œListen! You never listen!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
If the price of oil futures goes any deeper, it will hit oil.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaredLiwet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate. If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. What do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Martin finds an old oil lamp

Genie: "You get three wishes. I can't kill anybody, I can't make anybody fall in love, I can't bring anybody back from the dead, and you can't wish for more wishes."

Alladin: "I wish that I was rich!"

Genie: "Done."

Rich: "... I wish that I have a lot of money."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluid-Visual
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Mother’s Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...

β€˜Cos she’s worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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What did the oil say when it crashed it's price into negative value?

Oil be back!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/woyteck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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If you’re thinking about doing something illegal oil yourself up first.

That way you’re a smooth criminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What kind of oil does Popeyes Chicken use?

Olive Oil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hogfish79
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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A jar of peanut butter needed an oil change

It went to JIFfy Lube

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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Brought it in for an oil change, says he only drives it from time to time.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Accomplished_Owl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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What did the oil lamp say to the flickering candle?

Do you want to go out sometime soon?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queen-fireheart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Q. What's the most important thing you can do with crude oil?

A. Teach it proper manners!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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β€œOil on Canvas.”—- Anonymous Artist, circa 21st century.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œOil on canvas”——Anonymous Artist, circa 21st century.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Oil on canvas. Hehe (best part? It was painted with acrylic!)
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_demonfluffy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?

After getting dating advice from a Redditor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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Oil bet this would be great to drive out and go star gazing with
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kioshi43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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What's a ducks favorite motor oil?

Quacker state.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LambyRides
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Olive oil

My uncle Arnie asked me if I knew where extra virgin olive oil came from. I said no and he said very ugly trees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TY2VETS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone shipped me a box of essential oils

And now I have a case of the vapors

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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How much oil was spilled?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-gem-524
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Is that vegetable oil?

"No I melted some butter"

"Thanks for clarifying"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms

Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxStupidBusxX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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Archaeologists have discovered an oil stain that might be more than a thousand years old.

It is Ancient Grease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Olive oil and I have one thing in common

We are both extra virgin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CAP815
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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I heard "Starry Night" was painted with oils

I could use it to make my Van Go

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KenzoEngineer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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Working at sams club i would collect boxes as they would empty. A customer came up to me and said "can i have a few of those flat boxes? I use them when i change my car oil so it doesnt stain my floor."

So I say "of course, that's a great idea. That's really thinking outside the box."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djyocon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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