What do you call a haunted house drenched in gasoline?

Petrolfied

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Velvet_Thunder
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 26 2020
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Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?

Butane, because it's lighter fluid...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kdryan1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 25 2019
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Who can drink 6 liters of gasoline and not get sick?

Jerry can.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GonnaGoFat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
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Do you know who can drink a gallon of gasoline and not die?

Jerry can

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 04 2020
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I'm not able to hold 5 gallons of gasoline in me...

...but Jerry can.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThyNameIsP
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 16 2020
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Who can drink four gallons of gasoline?

Jerry can!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/scrollholio
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2020
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Not many people can drink gasoline

But jerry can

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cor_II
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 21 2020
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My favorite brand of almonds is offering a free tank of gasoline with every purchase

Blue Diamond Fill-Ups have been a big hit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Partially_Functional
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 22 2019
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I had a scary dream about gasoline last night

It was nightmare fuel.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Nice_Yams
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 17 2018
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You know which one of my kids can carry the most gasoline?

Jerry Can

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zombie_riot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 02 2018
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A kid gets some gasoline in a papercut...

Now he's fuel injected.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Humorous_Humor
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 21 2018
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If Republicans try to push through a bill related to the keystone pipeline, they should call it the Gasoline Alternative Source act

Because I want to hear a news anchor say "Today republicans tried to pass G.A.S., but Obama blocked the move with a veto."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/notiesitdies
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2014
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Son: Why do we still drive a gasoline car ?

Dad: We canΒ΄t a Ford a Tesla ..

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ZeitoNe
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 29 2016
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 391
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 08 2020
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Which Spice girl can carry the most petrol?

Jerry can

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OldboySlim
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2019
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How do you make a cat bark?

Throw it in the fire. It will go WHOOF

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 11 2016
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Who is vin diesel's arch enemy?

Vin gasoline

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Uglyoldbob
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 03 2018
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The day my dad's dog died.

I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home.

My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog.

( Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here )

Dad: "When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him," Rocket No! You don't drink that!" Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over.."

Me: "Dead!?"

Dad: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."

Fuck off, Dad.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 73
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kurtcobain94
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 03 2015
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Call my Dad on the phone: "Hey Dad, what's up?"

"Oh, not much, just the price of gasoline."

Every. Single. Time.

You'd think I'd learn, but now it just feels wrong if I don't greet him that way...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 44
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mycareer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 27 2013
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My mom, in reference to my grandfather's POS computer, while holding a spindle of blank CDs, "Does it burn?"

"If I use enough gasoline it will."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FX114
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 29 2015
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Granddads are still Dads

Grandpa: the young boy in the neighborhood is really mean. He fed the neighbors cat gasoline. It ran around the cul de sac a couple times. Then up a tree. Then down the tree. Then it just plopped over

Me: Dead?

Grandpa: No. It just ran out of gas.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Visell
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 09 2015
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My dad's best comeback...

Your brain is so small, if it were melted into gasoline, it wouldn't be enough fuel to power an ants motorcycle half way across a bb.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/skaj8
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 15 2013
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