πŸ‘︎ 193
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
🚨︎ report
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.

I'm going vegan today.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07
🚨︎ report
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.

Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MogolianShrimp
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?

It was too stuffed to say anything.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
I shot my first turkey today...

Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?

He was a goblin

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says

Wait, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 673
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
IF RUSSIA INVADED TURKEY FROM THE REAR...WOULD GREECE HELP
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sK197666
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
Why did US army attack turkey?

Because it was Thanksgiving.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cris070608
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
Unfortunately found my beautiful pet turkey dead today

Decided to make the best of it and turn him into tompost

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bikemandan
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
What's the first letter turkeys learn in school?

Gobble-u

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beliadin
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
I'm quitting cold turkey.

But every now and then I still think about lighting up a slice.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/briccman
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
"Time flies even if Turkeys don't"

-Barack Obama

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
I made myself a turkey sandwich for lunch with pepperjack and thousand island. It wasn't quite a reuben...

...but I would say it was rubenesque.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nahnprophet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?

A stamped bull

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
If Chile and Turkey had a war...

Would that be a recipe for disaster?

Would Greece get involved?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/armen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
This Christmas, I marinated the turkey for 7 days and no one noticed.

I should have known better than to make week sauce.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?

To get to the other sides.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beedee0823
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
happy turkey day
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/L0L1m3w4r3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Shot my first turkey today..

scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSirStevo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagClub
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I was asked to prep the turkey, season the gravy and potatoes...

I don't think I have Thyme for all that!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

β€œNo, sir," he replied. "They're dead.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BoomerB3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know the musical part of a turkey?

The drumsticks.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the band want the turkey in it?

He has the drum sticks

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/williams1753
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do turkeys go when they die?

The gravey-yard

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagClub
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My pet turkey died.

His loss has been a real birden

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/28PercentCharged
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving...

But they banned flavored vapes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnathanesanders
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?

The turkey was already dressed.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FatMetalJesus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Shot my first turkey today.

Scared everyone in the frozen meat department.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Turkey say to the Turkey hunter?

Quack-Quack.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spanky2222
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A turkey walks into the kitchen...

and says: Pardon me?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marsmedia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner

It was fowl.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CalvinVGB
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the turkey get thrown out of the stadium?

Tryptophan

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DadJoker1988
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Turkey Riddles

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

A: The outside!

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A: Because he had the drumsticks

Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?

A: Boy! I’m stuffed!

Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?

A: The turKEY

(source: http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/turkey-riddles/)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the capital of Turkey?

The t

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alliswellinnz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
OMG, I can't believe Trump wanted Turkey to reveal it's tactics for capturing eight-legged, two-tentacled sea creatures!!!

He tried to do it squid pro quo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Not really a pun, but you'll be proud to know I quit smoking cold turkey.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeyBlaze
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.

Baste on a true story.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede

Drumsticks for everyone

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?

A carnie-vor

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Turkey!
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TomDaNub3719
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilipGlassEye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I quit smoking cold turkey a year ago

But I still get the urge to go into the fridge and light up a slice.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sheshatinmyoven
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taylordprints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?

He was foiled.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thisb0i
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Gotta love Hole Roasted Turkey
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mackmickpalmer1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the baker say when he used both turkey and chicken together?

Killing two birds with one scone

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wandringstar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Turkey

what do you call a turkey with no leg

peg leg joe

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkMemes14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the turkey cross the road

To prove he wasn’t chicken

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KyleDude69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
🚨︎ report
I quit cold turkey!

Now, I only eat hot turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a serious addiction to club sandwhiches, but i quit cold turkey. Now I only eat BLT's.

:D

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/butiaintwrong
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun not really intended. A waterpipe cafe in Turkey.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/prittypotato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a turkey's favorite dessert?

Peach gobbler.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aMrMewtwo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened to the Turkey?

He didn't Czech his flight plans & ended up in Greece. Unfortunately, people were Hungary.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Otacon368
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're Hungary for Turkey with Greece, then European.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NINJAQKk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I quit Thanksgiving cold turkey
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I quit smoking cold turkey

His coat kept catching on fire

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I shot my first turkey today.

Everyone at the frozen food section started freaking out though.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken was on strike.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/--dude-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I suddenly stopped eating cold turkey.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wassermanjohn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?

They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorMTobogganMD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Spotted at my hotel in Turkey
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryman72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the turkey cross the road?

To get to the other sides. Happy Thanksgiving.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YostYost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
When I asked my dad how the turkey was coming along imgur.com/Tuj1ARo
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/glitter_box
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
What kind of ghost haunts a turkey pen?

A poultrygeist

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SlumShadey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the rock band formed by a turkey?

He already had the drumsticks

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the turkey cross the road

Because it was the chicken's day off

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Federalcactus10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you do with a stoner turkey?

Make turkey pot pie!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mad_hatt3r2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you combine Hungary and Turkey

A full belly

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AbysmalVixen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Where do turkeys go to buy their dressings?

Old Gravy.

(Day late sorry)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sb76117
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What does a Canadian turkey say?

Double double

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SecureEarth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Limping turkey

What does a turkey with a limp say?

Wobble Wobble

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buddahmojo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
After AtatΓΌrk founded Turkey in 1922, he wanted to rest and put his feet up. But he couldn't.

There were no more Ottomans.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Put this cheese on some bread with turkey, and I can't WHEAT to GOBBLE it down...
πŸ‘︎ 133
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weiyanzhuo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.

I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-stormageddon-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
After Turkey shot down a Russian jet imgur.com/cLR7wRL
πŸ‘︎ 124
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sentinel122125
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a baby turkey?

A goblet

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lizardmanforever
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
🚨︎ report
I quit cold turkey...

... always liked bologna better anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the national holiday of the Republic of Turkey?

Thanksgiving

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagor-Hai
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
A turkey flew through the window where my wife used to work

I told my wife about a recent story in /r/TalesFromTechSupport about a late-night alarm going off at work. She told me that at one of her previous employers, a turkey had flown through a window.

Her: I knew about it because I worked for the general counsel and she had to know about it.
Me: In case the turkey tried to sue?
Her: In case it was fowl play.

You may also enjoy A Previous Dialogue with My Wife

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfofurn
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Prez Obama pardons turkeys but not the dad jokes, he's killing them

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2016/11/23/watch-live-president-obama-pardons-his-final-thanksgiving-turkey/94346928/

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amacvar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
🚨︎ report
If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moliz1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove it wasn’t a chicken

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HamMan_42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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