What did Elvis say when he divorced the rodent?

"You ain't nothing but a groundhog."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Why did the man decide to get divorced in Texas?

He remembered the alimony.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
The person who discovered Pi was divorced by his wife Edith because of his obsession with math.

Goes to show that you can’t have your Pi and Edith too.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!

It's my last resort!

Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
Why did the divorced dad have a vitamin D deficiency?

He wasn't getting enough Son

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LarryDoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a divorced cow?

Miss Steak.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wastedpickles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife divorced me because I'm a compulsive gambler...

All I can think about is how to win her back!

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife...

We didn’t see eye to eye.

I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Keira Knightley and Tom Daley got divorced.

Their schedules were too different.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ErwtEnBernie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to

Pay Alimony.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roha5090
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife almost divorced me over this one
πŸ‘︎ 146
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair...

Guess who came crawling back?

πŸ‘︎ 248
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrFishnChipz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What happened when the beer got divorced?

It became bitter.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dr-forking-crane
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad what the number one reason was that couples get divorced

He replied β€œMarriage.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gdubluu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
When my ex wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, β€œGood job. Well done.”

I wanted things to end on a positive note.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the cat get divorced?

His wife was a Cheetah.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Hear about Muslim that divorced himself from Islam by converting to Catholicism? He paid his tithe to the local Mosque

...as Allah Money

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GEEZusChristman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
When my ex-wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, β€œIt was a pleasure. Thanks.”

I wanted things to end on a positive note.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dad who got divorced after starting a food fight in a restaurant?

As you can guess, his wife got custurdy.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qqqqall
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge thought she should keep the house.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently divorced due to my terrible handwriting

Since then I've become a very illegible bachelor

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Idoleyes14
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
If Hillbillies get Divorced....

Are they still Brother and Sister ?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.

In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife divorced me, because I was bad at directions

Apparently, I didn't notice when it all went South

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NeonMusk
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife divorced me for cursing too much.

So I gave her 100 years of bad luck.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad said that he got divorced on the 4th of July.

He got the paperwork on the 2nd and waited to sign until the 4th because it's "Independence day"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squach509
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call Santa Clause after he gets divorced?

An Independent Clause

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife divorced me because I’m a compulsive gambler...

All I can think about is how to win her back.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I divorced a tree once...

When she asked me why I told her, β€œYou leaf me no choice”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/toddsleivonski
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that John Cena and his wife are getting divorced...

She got tired of not being able to see him.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YankeesFan80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend mentioned that Courtney Cox-Arquette got divorced...

...so now she's Courtney Cox once more. I asked if there was a hyphen between Cox and Once More.

Then she looked at the empty room and said, "Can you believe this guy?". We love each other.

πŸ‘︎ 265
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CJAX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?

The Lemon was very bitter.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Get divorced if you're broke

You'd only be half broke after

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aftermaths93
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Kids, your mother and I are getting divorced. She said she's leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was kidding, but...

then I saw her face, now I'm a believer

πŸ‘︎ 108
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcr1011
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad told this joke to my brother and I, our parents have been divorced 10 years. Bro didn't appreciate it

'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.

Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Porridgeandpeas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
🚨︎ report
What did the divorced Irishman say as he spilled hot tea on himself?

Et tu, brewed tay?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/patron_vectras
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
🚨︎ report
My Dad's divorced.

Dad: Pour me a cup of coffee while you're up?

Me: Sure, dad. How do you like it?

Dad: Like my women. Bitter.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wannabgourmande
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Upon hearing Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) was getting divorced...

This is from a few years ago, but it's one of my favorite's from my dad:

"So, let me get this straight... he can train all these other dogs, but he can't keep his one bitch in line?"

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rebirth369
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
🚨︎ report
So my mother and father got divorced recently...

I visited him today and he looked a bit down. I asked him if he was alright. "No, I'm half left." God damn it dad.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisc908
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
🚨︎ report
I just divorced my wife but not because she was cross-eyed.

I found out that she was seeing someone on the side.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair...

Guess who came crawling back?

πŸ‘︎ 182
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.