My friend has divorced a lumberjack.
He is now her axe-husband.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
What did the cheese maker say to his wife when he divorced?
Donβt brie upset, itβs for the greater gouda
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
Lisa will forever be remembered after she divorced Mark
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
I might get divorced and find a taller woman
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
One of the founders of a large company called Aloecorp, Inc. recently got divorced
His wife is seeking aloemoney
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
What did Elvis say when he divorced the rodent?
"You ain't nothing but a groundhog."
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 21 2020
Why did the man decide to get divorced in Texas?
He remembered the alimony.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jan 13 2020
The person who discovered Pi was divorced by his wife Edith because of his obsession with math.
Goes to show that you canβt have your Pi and Edith too.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
Why did the divorced dad have a vitamin D deficiency?
He wasn't getting enough Son
π︎ 48
π
︎ Dec 03 2019
I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!
It's my last resort!
Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 08 2020
What do you call a divorced cow?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 01 2019
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife...
We didnβt see eye to eye.
I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
π︎ 98
π
︎ May 12 2019
My wife almost divorced me over this one
π︎ 148
π
︎ Nov 17 2018
My wife divorced me because I'm a compulsive gambler...
All I can think about is how to win her back!
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair...
Guess who came crawling back?
π︎ 252
π
︎ Nov 19 2018
Keira Knightley and Tom Daley got divorced.
Their schedules were too different.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 22 2019
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 14 2019
When my ex wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, βGood job. Well done.β
I wanted things to end on a positive note.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jul 15 2018
What happened when the beer got divorced?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 13 2019
Why did the cat get divorced?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 10 2018
I asked my dad what the number one reason was that couples get divorced
He replied βMarriage.β
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 13 2019
My wife and I recently divorced due to my terrible handwriting
Since then I've become a very illegible bachelor
π︎ 36
π
︎ Sep 25 2018
Did you hear about the dad who got divorced after starting a food fight in a restaurant?
As you can guess, his wife got custurdy.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 16 2019
Hear about Muslim that divorced himself from Islam by converting to Catholicism? He paid his tithe to the local Mosque
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 29 2019
My wife divorced me, because I was bad at directions
Apparently, I didn't notice when it all went South
π︎ 29
π
︎ May 06 2018
If Hillbillies get Divorced....
Are they still Brother and Sister ?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 07 2018
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge thought she should keep the house.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 29 2019
My wife divorced me for cursing too much.
So I gave her 100 years of bad luck.
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 26 2018
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldnβt have married that young.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Oct 28 2018
What do you call Santa Clause after he gets divorced?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 22 2018
My dad said that he got divorced on the 4th of July.
He got the paperwork on the 2nd and waited to sign until the 4th because it's "Independence day"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 13 2018
I divorced a tree once...
When she asked me why I told her, βYou leaf me no choiceβ
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 29 2018
My girlfriend mentioned that Courtney Cox-Arquette got divorced...
...so now she's Courtney Cox once more. I asked if there was a hyphen between Cox and Once More.
Then she looked at the empty room and said, "Can you believe this guy?". We love each other.
π︎ 271
π
︎ Jan 25 2015
My wife told me that John Cena and his wife are getting divorced...
She got tired of not being able to see him.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 23 2018
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 29 2017
Kids, your mother and I are getting divorced. She said she's leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was kidding, but...
then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
π︎ 104
π
︎ Aug 17 2015
Dad told this joke to my brother and I, our parents have been divorced 10 years. Bro didn't appreciate it
'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.
Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''
π︎ 43
π
︎ Nov 02 2015
Get divorced if you're broke
You'd only be half broke after
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jan 07 2017
What did the divorced Irishman say as he spilled hot tea on himself?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 19 2017
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair...
Guess who came crawling back?
π︎ 182
π
︎ Dec 21 2018
I just divorced my wife but not because she was cross-eyed.
I found out that she was seeing someone on the side.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 08 2019
When my ex-wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, βIt was a pleasure. Thanks.β
I wanted things to end on a positive note.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 08 2018
My wife divorced me because Iβm a compulsive gambler...
All I can think about is how to win her back.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jan 21 2018
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