My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Why is picking vegetables a good job?
It comes with a great celery
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 13 2021
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
π︎ 1k
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Why are Canadians so good at picking out shoes?
They know what it's all a-boot. Eh.
π︎ 19
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︎ Feb 07 2021
I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.
It's just water under the fridge.
π︎ 53
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︎ Dec 16 2020
You know what they say about picking the right species of Christmas Tree?
It's a huge Pine in the Ash
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 03 2020
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
π︎ 2k
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︎ May 12 2020
I hate Apple picking
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 26 2020
Coming home from apple picking this morning, my wife saw a sign from a Jewelry store that read, "Watches 20% off."
Wife, "Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal."
Me, "Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time."
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 13 2020
My step-father just told me this after picking peppers from his garden:
"You should put these in your tea. Then it would be HOT tea."
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 28 2020
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, βCan you imagine being that strong?β
So I picked up the leaf and said, βYes.β
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 02 2018
Picking my cousin up from work at Target, asked her if she's in Style this week (fitting room/clothing)
Her dad said "she's never in style, she's always out of style. Her clothes never look good"!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
Picking up my friend for work...he messaged me sayin he'd be right out, he was fixin' coffee...
So i asked "how'd it break?"
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 28 2020
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 22 2020
While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, theyβre dead."
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 14 2017
I need a pun about picking up trash/ cleaning the ocean. Any help would be greatly appreciated! :)
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 25 2019
I was having trouble picking up my spare tire.
So I removed 30 lbs of air and I still can't lift it.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 30 2019
The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricityβ¦
So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneβ¦free of charge.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 03 2017
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up...
...but this morning itβs just water under the fridge
π︎ 126
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︎ Mar 07 2019
An aspiring beekeeper went to a farmerβs market to pick up a small hive. They placed an order for a dozen bees. When picking up the bees, the seller handed them a case of thirteen bees. Noticing the extra bee, the keeper pointed it out to the seller.
The seller said, βOh, that last one is a freebee!β
π︎ 31
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︎ Oct 17 2019
Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
π︎ 231
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︎ Jan 09 2019
When picking up the coffee you ordered at Starbucks, always be appreciative and polite.
Be sure to say, "Thanks, a latte!"
π︎ 37
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︎ May 14 2019
I was out picking some young cranberries when the elderberries ran me off.
Seems I upset the cranparents.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 28 2019
My wife was picking feathers off my sweater...
and turns to me and asked, "have you been cheating on me with a bird?"
So I look at her right in the eye and said, "I swear... It was just a peck on the cheek."
She almost kicked me out of the house.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 20 2014
How do you call it when you're picking your nose and want to sneeze at the same time?
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 14 2018
This is one my 7 year old son said to me... I had a closed fist up to my face with my little finger extended and picking food out of my teeth. My thumb was also extended out. He looked at me and with a smirk on his face said to me...
π︎ 22
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︎ Mar 17 2019
I saw this witch picking her feet.
I got to thinking,that must be where candy corn comes from.
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 08 2019
I just got a headache after picking up The Children of Hurin
That's the last time i'm going to dive into a good book
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 11 2019
What does the soldier call picking up the dog poop?
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 23 2019
When itβs dark and you are picking up after your dog while a vehicle drives by with itβs headlights on, it is not only convenient, it is putting a spotlight on your civic duty
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 20 2018
Be careful picking strange AirPods up off the street
You might get hearing AIDS.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 27 2019
I once bought a sweater that was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
A sweater I bought was picking up so much static electricity that I had to return it to the store.
They have me another one, free of charge.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
A jumper I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the shop.
They gave me a replacement....free of charge
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.
They gave me another one. Free of charge.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 27 2019
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store
They gave me another one, free of charge
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 18 2020
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
π︎ 337
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
I got a new sweater for Christmas, but it was picking up too much static electricity
I returned it for a new one, free of charge
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 02 2019
I got a new sweater for Christmas, but it was picking up too much static electricity
I exchanged it for a new one, free of charge
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
βNo, sir," he replied. "They're dead.
π︎ 35
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︎ Nov 28 2019
The sweater I bought from the store was picking up static electricity, so I went back to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
π︎ 38
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︎ Aug 22 2019
The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneβ¦
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 20 2019
My wife bought me a sweater that was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They replaced it with a new one, free of charge.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jun 03 2019
I got a new sweater that kept picking up static electricity.
So I took it back and exchanged it for anotherβfree of charge.
π︎ 360
π
︎ Apr 12 2018
The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another oneβ¦
π︎ 132
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︎ Jul 05 2018
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