My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"

"No," I replied, "there is only one."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ion785
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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Hey son, can you pick me up some fruit at school?

Son: Fruit? What kind and why? Me:Some Chemis fruit. Son: Chemis fruit? I've never heard of that. Me: It grows off the Chemis Tree. Son: Argh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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Picking Strawberries to give away can be a fruitful endeavour! No punnet tendered.
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2015
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Why did the fruit theatre company not pick the melon to star in Romeo and Juliette?

Because it cantaloupe

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsFrank11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Isaac Newton is sitting under a tree one day...

... when something falls out of the tree and hits him on the head.

He picks up the fallen object and examines it, then declares, β€œWhy, some invisible force must have pulled this apple to the ground!”

A passerby overhears the famed scientist, then mutters, β€œFucking idiot doesn’t know one fruit from another,” before shouting, β€œHey! That’s a fig, Newton!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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Got my 6 year old with this gold this morning

So my son wanted to have a banana this morning. My wife picked up a banana from the fruit bowl but she couldn't peel it as it wasn't ripe enough. So she put it back. My son asked me what had happened to the banana and I couldn't miss the opportunity, so I said:

Dad: "Son, the banana wasn't that a-peeling (appealing) this morning"

The groan from my wife, son and daughter was satisfying.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boozylightbeer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2016
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My dad and the grocery store

My father and I had to go to the grocery store to pick up some food the other day. When we get to the fruit section he asks me to grab some oranges. I walk over to the pile of oranges labeled "Naval oranges" so I point and ask if these are the right ones. With a smile on his face he responds "I prefer the Air Force oranges myself". Happy Father's Day dad, never stop!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stolentaco67
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
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Apples and Oranges

Asked my lady to pick me up some fruit from the store. She got me a container of mixed sliced fruit. I told her thanks and she said

"I also got some apples and oranges"

To which I replied: "Those just don't compare"

She looked at me with such malice in her eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/115049
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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Apples vs. oranges

Was buying fruit with the girlfriend. She picked out some cripps pink apples. "Maybe we should be careful buying these. They might start a gang war with our blood oranges" Ziiing. She smiled, but I think I annoyed her by laughing about it for the rest of our shopping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NervousPooer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
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At brunch on Sunday for my mothers birthday.

Before our meal came out, the waiter had brought out a fruit basket with your typical fruit in. My dad picks up a green grape and a purple grape and just stares at them.

Me: "dad, what are you doing?"

Dad: "heh, what did the green grape say to the purple grape?"

Me: "uh, I don't know..."

Dad: "BREATHE, IDIOT!!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!"

My mom thought it was th funniest shit ever.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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My dad while eating soup...

Upon noticing that my sister picked out all of her vegetables in her chicken noodle soup, I asked her about her disgust for a certain pod fruit.

My dad leaned in and said "come on girl, give peas a chance!"

Yeah. A classic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonstrousJames
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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