They both have a silent pee.
Damn! Wrong sub again!
The nine button wasn’t working.
Me: I dunno, what's your return policy.
Me: No thanks, tomorrow’s fine.
It was a waist of paper.
Ran into Costco to grab a take and bake pizza for dinner. As I handed my receipt (the only item was the pizza) to the guy at the door, I tried to give a lame joke and he returned the favor.
Me: don't lose count now, this is a tough one
Costco guy: well that's awfully cheesy
"Would you like a copy of your card?" "No, I'd like the original, please."
I kept the receipt.
Should tortillas be sent flat rate? Is armor headgear sent over knight? Is an addicts mail tracked? Is mail to Gold's gym sent bulk rate? Should mail to a school's kindergarten be sent 1st class? Should the IRS send return receipts? just wondering...
"Where are you off to?" I shouted.
"To change a light bulb" he said.
"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.
"Naah", he said. "I still have the receipt."
A receipting hairline
I went to the grocery store, and the change was $5.02, so on my ride home, I perfected the ultimate plan for a dad who loves dad jokes...
Me: Oh, here's the change *hands 5.00 bill*
Dad: You can set the groceries on the counter
Me: Oh by the way, do you want my two cents on the groceries?
Dad: *confused look* o...kay?
Me: *hands receipt and two pennies*
It took a minute for him to realize but everyone got a good laugh out of it.
She was hot but I didn't catch her signal until it was too late when she handed me my receipt and said "Have a nice day".
On his receipt there was an autogenerated prompt for feedback:
"Lettuce know how we did today at [enter website] . com , and we'll send you a sweet offer."
Told him that I liked how they sandwiched it in...
I work in a hotel reception. A couple with a baby came in and walked up to my desk.
> Dad: "Do you have anywhere we could change our baby?"
> Me: "I'm sorry sir, we don't swap them out without a receipt."
I went to return a T-Shirt to Banana Republic today. The item wasn't on my receipt so they asked me to swipe my credit card to see if they could find it in my purchase history.
Cashier: "Hmmm, that didn't work. Sir, would you mind re-swiping, I want to try your card again." Me: "It's a T-Shirt, not a cardigan" My 13 Year Old Son: 🙄
Went to WFs to buy some killer produce, specifically avocados. They sell both "organic" and "conventional" type avocados at the one near me. I decided to not overspend on four avocados so I went the conventional route. I take my poor man's avocados to the cashier to ring up and she asked "Are these organic?" I said, "no conventional, but still organic." She looked at me while handing me my receipt and said, "ooooh, that's a gooooood one. Bye bye."
"Sorry, sir. We can't do that."
"But I have the receipt here! I'm demanding my money back!" I shouted.
"You can't do that with a lottery ticket, sir," he replied.
As I work in a restaurant, a dad and his teenage son came for to go food order. When the dad had to sign the receipt, he asked what’s the total to his son as he could not see properly. His son replied, it’s $80.65 can’t you see? Dad goes, “wait till you get to 46” His son being irritated, I asked, Where’s do you see yourself in two years?” Son was speechless, and I told him, “ I was checking if you had a 2020 vision” The dad laughed in shame.
I'm a college kid that works fast food part time to pay the bills. However, I managed to get two of my friends jobs there aswell, and our manager is pretty cool. So we have good times there and it's never quiet.
Anyway, I was bagging up an order, and my manager thought it would be funny to follow me and tell me exactly how to do everything; open the bag, put the box in the bag, receipt in the bag, blah blah blah and so on. Once I had handed out the order, she was like,
"Alright job, thanks to me".
"Oh yeah you were great. They should promote you to micromanager."
Got a good laugh out of everybody, and it will be on my life's highlight reel if I have anything to say about it
three hundred fifty dollars according to the receipt
Chapters is a book store up here in Canada. A checkout line just opened so we were the first in the line. After paying, the receipt was taking a while to print. The cashier remarked "it's the first printing" to which I replied "ooh those are normally worth more!"
The cashier didn't know what to say and my wife rolled her eyes so hard it looked like she was going to have a stroke.
This is something I do often and will get a wide variety of actions.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt sir?
Me (with a slightly weirded out and inquisitive expression): Are you sure you want me bringing this back once i'm done with it?
So, I'm at the counter in a liquor store, where I see that the cashier is wearing a mock Sons of Anarchy shirt that says, "Sloths of Anarchy" and has a sloth as the logo. As he's ringing me up, I'm trying to think of the perfect way to compliment his shirt. AHA! THIS WILL BE PERFECT
He hands me my receipt and I say, "Hey man, I like the shirt" falling for my trap he replies, "Oh thanks dude, do you watch the show?" My genius reply:
"Yeah I did, but it was kinda slow"
He doesn't even notice and continues to ask if I watched the whole thing. Maybe the world isn't ready for my dad jokes.
I went grocery shopping, and picked up some shampoo and conditioner. At checkout, the cashier hands me a coupon with my receipt.
>Cashier: "Oh hey, that coupon's valid for the same shampoo you just bought."
>Me: "Cool, I guess I better hairy up and finish these, then!"
Anyway, I'm banned from that grocery store now.
It was Valentine's day and some buddies and I went out to grab lunch at a pizza joint called Mellow Mushroom. Appreciative of the waitress working on this day I left her two gems on the receipt to make up for it:
"Morgan, you had me at mellow," and "I have mushroom in my heart for you"
#1 deli clerk asked #2 deli clerk if the gelato my wife was eating was on the receipt, I looked at her and said " I don't think it was a gelato, it was just a gelittle"
While adding up some receipts, my dad asks me for a calculator.
I load up the calculator app on my phone and hand it to him.
He looks at me all puzzled. I ask, "What's up dad?"
He replies, "Why do they call it a calculator?"
I go, "Uhhhh..."
Before I could say anything else he comes back with, "It should be called a calcu-NOW."
I deliver pizza for a living and I showed up at the door, as is my wont, with one hand holding the pizza bag and the other holding the receipt. On opening the door, I greeted the pater familia and told him the amount I was owed. He gave me the money and I handed him the receipt so I could free up my hands to pull the pizza out of the bag, saying offhandedly, "Here you go," indicating the receipt. The patriarch then looked at the menu bemusedly and remarked, "Hmm, seems a little light." It took me a little to figure out the joke was supposed to be that he thought the menu accompanying the receipt was the entire delivery.
On noticing my delayed reaction, the daughter of the house proceeded to put her hand to her face in a manner not unlike our dear Snoo at the top of this page. I've been delivering for two years now--that was easily the lamest, most Dad-like joke I have ever come across.
Today my dad and I went to a tech store, where we bought a TV. The checkout assistant gave us a receipt we had to deliver to the tech store's warehouse on the other side of the road. My dad and I walked into the warehouse and went to stand in the line. A couple of minutes later, it was our turn to get service. We gave them the receipt, and then they came out with the TV. My dad then started saying: "This is our lucky day. I can't believe how clumsy people can be. Dropping a receipt to such an expensive TV to the floor." The people in the queue gave us some weird looks. When we came out of the store my dad started laughing. I got to admit, though. I thought it was pretty funny as well.
Some times dadjokes can be funny...
Whenever her boyfriend would go to buy something at a convenience store, the clerk would ask if he wanted a receipt. He would always say "Nein." My friend would respond with, "Nine? That's a lotttt of receipts. Don't you think that's a little excessive?"