I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
I had to take my wallet out of my pants before washing them.

Money laundering is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stefanopolis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
I had a joke about my wallet..

But I lost it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedCakesYT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
My uncle David just lost his wallet and phone and ID.

He’s just Dav now

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qmechan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Left my wallet with my horses.

So I can be financially stable

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/33billings
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Robber: Give me your wallet!

Dad: Sure, it’s empty anyway!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rnielsen776
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the piece of fruit that left its wallet at a George Michael concert in Zurich?

It was a Careless Swiss Pear.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toucantwist
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I drew Β£30 out of the ATM earlier. A couple of minutes later I heard the sound of 'Nessun Dorma' coming from my wallet.

"Must be those three tenners" I thought to myself

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was angry that I spent $500 on a wallet

Told her don’t worry, I’ll get my money out of it

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was really pissed when I told her I spent $1,000 on a new wallet......

I told her not to worry I’ll definitely get my money out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 532
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marwoh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Had my wallet in my back pocket the other day...

... Right as I was sitting down, I let one rip right on my wallet. Didn't smell too good, but hey, at least now I have gas money for the week...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SonicKiwi123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Found a wallet in the street and asked myself what would Jesus do

I turned it into wine

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alvaro_10
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Saw a jacket I really liked at the store, but forgot my wallet at home.

Its a bomber.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't supermarkets have an aisle for wallets?

Because it's volatile.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/niceGuitar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Kid knocked my wallet into the dishwater...

I put in the freezer so I'd have some cold hard cash

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do cats keep their wallets?

In their purrse

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
To the guy that found my empty wallet.

I don’t know how to repay you.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I just pinched this guy's wallet.

But it didn't seem in pain.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
His wallet is gonna hurts
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yamideath
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
If your wallet goes through the washing machine,

It’s money laundering

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeW2017
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkAssBum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Did the laundry today and forgot my wallet in my pants pocket. Now im facing money laundering charges...
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rodney54
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I usually keep coins in my wallet

Sometimes I put it in my pocket to change things up

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sexypinochet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
When he pulled up outside I told the taxi driver that I left my wallet inside my house.

He sighed and said, "I'm not falling for that one."

I said, "Trust me, it is."

He let me in and five minutes later I heard him honking on the horn, so I looked out the window.

He said, "Stop messing around, will you? Your wallet. You must have found it by now."

I said, "No, I haven't got it."

"Well, why the hell not?"

I said, "This isn't my house."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I lost my wallet couple days ago and had to go through security at work

The secuity woman asked "how do you spell your last name?"

So I replied Y-O-U-R-L-A-S-T-N-A-M-E.

She typed it into the system and was about to submit it when she noticed. She was so mad.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I’d just like to say something to the man dressed in camouflage and using crutches, who robbed my wallet earlier

You can hide, but you can’t run

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CdotBigz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I walked up to a cockney family and stole the guy's wallet

"That's Our mahnee!" He said, as I ran off.

Once a safe distance away, I looked at the wallet and shouted back, "It's actually Armani."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
To the man in camouflage on crutches who stole my wallet earlier:

You can hide, but you can't run.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drummerdanneh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
If your wallet goes through the washer...

It's money laundering.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bignate1213
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My wallet gets emptied too soon

I guess it's walletile.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoKn1fe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I lost my wallet...

It turned up this morning when I opened up the washing machine. Everything inside (cash, credit card, driver's license) was soaking wet.

Dad: "I'm calling the police."

Me: "Why would you do that?"

Dad: "You're guilty of laundering money."

ahh...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gudea_of_Lagash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
🚨︎ report
My Dad carried this in his wallet for years. I used to roll my eyes every time he pulled it out, but now the memory always makes me smile. mindwerx.com/files/imagec…
πŸ‘︎ 887
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pups_the_Jew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
🚨︎ report
I just farted and my wallet was in my back pocket.

At least I have gas money now.

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crackies9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet today

Now I have gas money

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amessersmith109
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet

now i got gas money

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jnnx3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
🚨︎ report
I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt...

I just can’t take it.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet

Now I have gas money.

(The wife gets credit for this one)

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jjmitchell
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Pronunciation saves the lives of innocent wallets

My wife called me up from the animal shelter the other day wanting to adopt a dog. Since money is tight current, I specifically said "0 canine". Now I'm the proud owner of 9 German shepherd pups and will from now on pronounce "0" as "Zero".

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JebusDuck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2016
🚨︎ report
We were going to pick up my wallet after I left it on the bus..
πŸ‘︎ 260
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thunder102
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
🚨︎ report
I farted on my wallet the other day

Now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vigilanteoftime
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2016
🚨︎ report
I carry this in my wallet on the off chance someone asks to see a picture of my kids.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RildotheCrafty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
🚨︎ report
A wallet...

...is a waist of money!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2jsmyname
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
🚨︎ report
"What's in your wallet?"

Person in Capital One commercial: "What's in your wallet?"

Dad: "Not much."

Sometimes he'll take out his wallet, flip it upside down, and let a dollar or two fall out.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VanceWorley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Searching my wallet

Told my dad that I couldn't find my wallet so he helped me look for it. When I spotted it between the pillows on the couch he points at it and goes "So why don't you take this one until yours shows up?"

Thanks Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maerki999
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2014
🚨︎ report
I found a wallet in the street and asked myself what would jesus do

I turned it into wine

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alvaro_10
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet

Now I have gas money

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DespacitoC
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I farted on my wallet...

Now, I have gas money

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet

Now I have gas money

πŸ‘︎ 817
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrockThrobhard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bignate1213
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I just farted in my wallet

And now I have gas money

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pringlepowder
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I farted on my wallet

Now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 182
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Galaxiez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2017
🚨︎ report
I farted on my wallet

Now I have gas money

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wike_mithrow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglebob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I just farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shit_my_britches
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndreT_NY
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
🚨︎ report
I farted in my wallet...

...now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrs_havok133
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Farted in my wallet

...now I have gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aparabola
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
🚨︎ report

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