I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said β€œoops, you gave me an extra-β€œ

He said β€œNah, that’s a freebie”

πŸ‘︎ 225
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Whats similar between a bag of chips and a gun?

When you pull them out suddenly everyone wants to be your friend. (My daughter sent me this joke)

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Futch1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What do beekeepers put in their party bags?

Freebees :D

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haxiomic
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bag that fell?

BAHG!!!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/samazingrace21
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Just got home from the grocery store with stuff to make dinner, and my dog went straight for the bags.

I yelled β€œGet out of there, that’s nachos!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gianni_Fadel
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the defensive lineman get so excited about a 25 cent coupon for a bag of potatos?

He's always looking for a quarterback sack.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to put a new bag in my bin, but it kept saying, "NO,NO,NO," and wouldn't go in...

It was a refuse sack.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
🚨︎ report
As a kid I could walk into a store with a dollar and come out with 2 candy bars and a bag of chips

And now they have cameras.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flebrolo
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do golfers keep and extra pair of socks in their bag?

In case they get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kapncrunchy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't vultures check their bags when they fly?

They just take carrion.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Renovating the house has been a mixed bag

First floor has gone great, but the second floor is another story

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fromcj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time we go to the putting green, my friend has to bring along a bag of Pringles to munch on...

He always wants to practice his chipping.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."

My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObiWanKaDaddy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
You know people use a bag of rocks as a metaphor for being stupid....

But it took one stone to figure out the theory of relativity.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyberohero
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?

Thanks for the Baghdad!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?

He got caught picking his nose!

πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frugatti_cuse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My mate told me he is in love with two school bags

He is bi-satchel

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Snell84
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently lost a bag of dirt.

I can't believe I'm dirt poor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?

They both create loose stools.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phasmus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street holding a bag of pasta upside down...

And then the penne dropped.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?

They prefer carrion

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rahcled
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.

I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag

The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MushuTheGreat17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Cashier: β€œDo you want milk in the bags?”

Dad: β€œNo, thanks. The carton is fine”.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag

I told her thats dirt cheap

It just happened. I'm evolving

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiftedEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What do bears in Turkey say when they see tourists in sleeping bags?

Kebab Wrap.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FullMoon-Horror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the β€˜S’ out of Safe and the β€˜F’ out of way!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neoblog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever I travel, I pack my underpants in a seperate bag

It's my briefs case

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TickLikesBombs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve got a friend that fell in love with two school bags

He’s bi satchel

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Reallewbag92ttv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b_wanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
i have a joke about a punching bag.

the punching bag is the punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Jude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I got two cookies in one bag at the Chinese restaurant...

I was very fortunate

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tea bag.

On the way home I got mugged.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was assaulted with a bag of soil

But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WA9ACE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag

I said β€œnah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?

Bearritos.

This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.

It was ....the worst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 934
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says β€œMy wife’s an angel

I said, β€œyou’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend injects his marijuana plants with sugar water as they grow, they sells bags of it for much higher prices...

He's trying to sweeten the pot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the snowman rooting around in a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?

Bearritos.

This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ford456fgfd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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