I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 25 2021
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said βoops, you gave me an extra-β
He said βNah, thatβs a freebieβ
π︎ 225
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︎ May 05 2021
Whats similar between a bag of chips and a gun?
When you pull them out suddenly everyone wants to be your friend. (My daughter sent me this joke)
π︎ 27
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︎ Jun 05 2021
What do beekeepers put in their party bags?
π︎ 47
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︎ May 31 2021
What do you call a bag that fell?
π︎ 10
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︎ Jun 04 2021
Just got home from the grocery store with stuff to make dinner, and my dog went straight for the bags.
I yelled βGet out of there, thatβs nachos!β
π︎ 3
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︎ May 28 2021
Why did the defensive lineman get so excited about a 25 cent coupon for a bag of potatos?
He's always looking for a quarterback sack.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jun 05 2021
I tried to put a new bag in my bin, but it kept saying, "NO,NO,NO," and wouldn't go in...
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 06 2021
As a kid I could walk into a store with a dollar and come out with 2 candy bars and a bag of chips
And now they have cameras.
π︎ 44
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︎ May 23 2021
Why do golfers keep and extra pair of socks in their bag?
In case they get a hole in one.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 02 2021
Why don't vultures check their bags when they fly?
π︎ 15
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︎ May 03 2021
Renovating the house has been a mixed bag
First floor has gone great, but the second floor is another story
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 27 2021
Every time we go to the putting green, my friend has to bring along a bag of Pringles to munch on...
He always wants to practice his chipping.
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 29 2021
You know people use a bag of rocks as a metaphor for being stupid....
But it took one stone to figure out the theory of relativity.
π︎ 2
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︎ May 05 2021
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
π︎ 14k
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︎ Sep 23 2020
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
π︎ 394
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︎ Dec 24 2020
My mate told me he is in love with two school bags
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 11 2021
I recently lost a bag of dirt.
I can't believe I'm dirt poor.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 14 2021
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
π︎ 18
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︎ Mar 04 2021
A man is walking down the street holding a bag of pasta upside down...
And then the penne dropped.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 15 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 23 2020
I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.
I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 11 2021
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag
The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon
π︎ 60
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︎ Dec 27 2020
Cashier: βDo you want milk in the bags?β
Dad: βNo, thanks. The carton is fineβ.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag
I told her thats dirt cheap
It just happened. I'm evolving
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 02 2021
What do bears in Turkey say when they see tourists in sleeping bags?
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 20 2021
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?
You take the βSβ out of Safe and the βFβ out of way!
π︎ 18
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︎ Dec 06 2020
Whenever I travel, I pack my underpants in a seperate bag
π︎ 21
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Iβve got a friend that fell in love with two school bags
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 18 2021
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
π︎ 29
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︎ Nov 21 2020
i have a joke about a punching bag.
the punching bag is the punchline.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I got two cookies in one bag at the Chinese restaurant...
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tea bag.
On the way home I got mugged.
π︎ 22
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I was assaulted with a bag of soil
But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.
π︎ 136
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︎ Sep 09 2020
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag
I said βnah, Iβll just turn the lights off.β
π︎ 44
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︎ Sep 13 2020
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 17 2020
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
π︎ 934
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︎ Mar 28 2020
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighborsβ¦ One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacksβ¦ Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says βMy wifeβs an angel
I said, βyouβre lucky β mine is still aliveβ¦β
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 21 2020
My friend injects his marijuana plants with sugar water as they grow, they sells bags of it for much higher prices...
He's trying to sweeten the pot.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
π︎ 27
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︎ Oct 02 2020
Why was the snowman rooting around in a bag of carrots?
π︎ 95
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 17 2020
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