Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
Cashier: “Do you want milk in the bags?”
Dad: “No, thanks. The carton is fine”.
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag
The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?
You take the ‘S’ out of Safe and the ‘F’ out of way!
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tea bag.
On the way home I got mugged.
My friend injects his marijuana plants with sugar water as they grow, they sells bags of it for much higher prices...
He's trying to sweeten the pot.
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
What did Homer say when he didn't bag a female deer on the hunting trip?
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.
What did the pencil bag say when it got poked?
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag
I said “nah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
I was assaulted with a bag of soil
But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?
Me: No thank you. You can just leave it in the carton.
I'm starting a business in airports selling bags with the faces of Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey and Joan Sims on them.
It'll be called "Carry On Baggage".
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
So I've lost a bag of cruciferous root vegetables...
...but it's okay, I'm sure they'll turnip somewhere.
Why do dolphins use sleeping bags?
For all in tents and porpoises.
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...
Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.
I pack a soda in my bag everyday but it HAS to be on top.
Wouldn’t want it to get flat.
Did you hear about the man that got sick from eating a bag of liquorice a day?
Mailmans bag...
Whilst doing a crossword I said to the wife "Mailmans bag?"
She asked "How many letters"
"Thousands" I replied.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag...
I told her to please leave it in the jug.
My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D
The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
Rubbish bags are useless, I find.
I always put them in the bin straight after I buy them
Grocery Bagger: Do you want the milk in a bag?
Dad: That's okay, just leave it in the carton.
What did the potato chip bag say to the battery?
I’m Frito Lay if you’re Eveready.
The delivery guy accidentally got us 3 extra bags of flour
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
A detective was investigating a murder. He soon found that the murder weapon was the bag of the murderer and it had their name on it.
What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?
py-rex
I'll get my coat...
What is a bag of beans you can't eat?
My wife handed me a bag of dried apricots and I started crying
Why did the bag of crisps go to the hospital?
Why was the snowman rooting around in a bag of carrots?
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
