I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
π︎ 397
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︎ Dec 24 2020
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
π︎ 18
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︎ Mar 04 2021
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
π︎ 14k
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︎ Sep 23 2020
A man is walking down the street holding a bag of pasta upside down...
And then the penne dropped.
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 15 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.
I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 11 2021
What do bears in Turkey say when they see tourists in sleeping bags?
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 20 2021
Iβve got a friend that fell in love with two school bags
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 18 2021
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag
I told her thats dirt cheap
It just happened. I'm evolving
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Whenever I travel, I pack my underpants in a seperate bag
π︎ 20
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?
π︎ 18
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Cashier: βDo you want milk in the bags?β
Dad: βNo, thanks. The carton is fineβ.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag
The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon
π︎ 59
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︎ Dec 27 2020
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?
You take the βSβ out of Safe and the βFβ out of way!
π︎ 17
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︎ Dec 06 2020
i have a joke about a punching bag.
the punching bag is the punchline.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I got two cookies in one bag at the Chinese restaurant...
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
π︎ 30
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tea bag.
On the way home I got mugged.
π︎ 23
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I was assaulted with a bag of soil
But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.
π︎ 137
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︎ Sep 09 2020
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag
I said βnah, Iβll just turn the lights off.β
π︎ 43
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︎ Sep 13 2020
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 17 2020
My friend injects his marijuana plants with sugar water as they grow, they sells bags of it for much higher prices...
He's trying to sweeten the pot.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 05 2020
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighborsβ¦ One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacksβ¦ Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says βMy wifeβs an angel
I said, βyouβre lucky β mine is still aliveβ¦β
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Did you hear about the unreadable writer with a colostomy bag?
Turns out he only had a semicolon.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 09 2020
What did Homer say when he didn't bag a female deer on the hunting trip?
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 30 2020
What did the pencil bag say when it got poked?
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?
Me: No thank you. You can just leave it in the carton.
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 15 2020
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
π︎ 25
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︎ Oct 02 2020
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 17 2020
I'm starting a business in airports selling bags with the faces of Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey and Joan Sims on them.
It'll be called "Carry On Baggage".
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 11 2020
So I've lost a bag of cruciferous root vegetables...
...but it's okay, I'm sure they'll turnip somewhere.
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Why do dolphins use sleeping bags?
For all in tents and porpoises.
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 13 2020
Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...
Wife: Thatβs wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: βWeβreβ not going anywhere.
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 09 2020
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
π︎ 941
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︎ Mar 28 2020
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 21 2020
I pack a soda in my bag everyday but it HAS to be on top.
Wouldnβt want it to get flat.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag...
I told her to please leave it in the jug.
My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D
The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
π︎ 114
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︎ May 19 2020
Did you hear about the man that got sick from eating a bag of liquorice a day?
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Mailmans bag...
Whilst doing a crossword I said to the wife "Mailmans bag?"
She asked "How many letters"
"Thousands" I replied.
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Grocery Bagger: Do you want the milk in a bag?
Dad: That's okay, just leave it in the carton.
π︎ 52
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Rubbish bags are useless, I find.
I always put them in the bin straight after I buy them
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
Why was the snowman rooting around in a bag of carrots?
π︎ 99
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︎ Dec 17 2020
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?
Bearritos.
This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
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