I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?

He got caught picking his nose!

πŸ‘︎ 397
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frugatti_cuse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?

They both create loose stools.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phasmus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?

Thanks for the Baghdad!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street holding a bag of pasta upside down...

And then the penne dropped.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I was given a bag of peanuts that had been blessed by the Pope.

I gave them away...I hate religious nuts.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do bears in Turkey say when they see tourists in sleeping bags?

Kebab Wrap.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FullMoon-Horror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve got a friend that fell in love with two school bags

He’s bi satchel

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reallewbag92ttv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag

I told her thats dirt cheap

It just happened. I'm evolving

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiftedEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Whenever I travel, I pack my underpants in a seperate bag

It's my briefs case

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TickLikesBombs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?

They prefer carrion

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahcled
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Cashier: β€œDo you want milk in the bags?”

Dad: β€œNo, thanks. The carton is fine”.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag

The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MushuTheGreat17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you fit an Elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the β€˜S’ out of Safe and the β€˜F’ out of way!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neoblog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
i have a joke about a punching bag.

the punching bag is the punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Jude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I got two cookies in one bag at the Chinese restaurant...

I was very fortunate

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b_wanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tea bag.

On the way home I got mugged.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was assaulted with a bag of soil

But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WA9ACE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag

I said β€œnah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?

Bearritos.

This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend injects his marijuana plants with sugar water as they grow, they sells bags of it for much higher prices...

He's trying to sweeten the pot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says β€œMy wife’s an angel

I said, β€œyou’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the unreadable writer with a colostomy bag?

Turns out he only had a semicolon.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Homer say when he didn't bag a female deer on the hunting trip?

"Doe!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pencil bag say when it got poked?

P-Ouch!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radiant-monk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?

Me: No thank you. You can just leave it in the carton.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.

I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jHugley328
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm starting a business in airports selling bags with the faces of Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey and Joan Sims on them.

It'll be called "Carry On Baggage".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
So I've lost a bag of cruciferous root vegetables...

...but it's okay, I'm sure they'll turnip somewhere.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tel-aran-rhiod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do dolphins use sleeping bags?

For all in tents and porpoises.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...

Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?

Husband: β€œWe’re” not going anywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.

It was ....the worst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 941
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.

I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I pack a soda in my bag everyday but it HAS to be on top.

Wouldn’t want it to get flat.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cris0613
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag...

I told her to please leave it in the jug.

My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D

The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LS-CRX
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man that got sick from eating a bag of liquorice a day?

He’s all sorted now

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrivateZeus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Mailmans bag...

Whilst doing a crossword I said to the wife "Mailmans bag?" She asked "How many letters" "Thousands" I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mat74UK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Grocery Bagger: Do you want the milk in a bag?

Dad: That's okay, just leave it in the carton.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Rubbish bags are useless, I find.

I always put them in the bin straight after I buy them

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the snowman rooting around in a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?

Bearritos.

This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ford456fgfd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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