Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket

.. Only got 20%Off

πŸ‘︎ 577
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuisCAG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
I accidentally left some AA batteries in my pocket when I put them in the wash

That's what I call clean energy

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dcschnazz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I invented a portable pocket toilet

I dumped everything I had into it

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œBack in the day...” my dad started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...

β€œWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Wouldn't that be a pocket pocket dimension?
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Made-Of-Magic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you keep at least a buck in your back pocket when you go gambling?

So you can bet your bottom dollar

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A nurse looks in her pocket, and finds a rectal thermometer.

She says, in exasperation, β€œsome arsehole’s got my pen.”

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LTAD2108
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't elephants have pockets?

Because they can store everything their trunk

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DAFUQDIS
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry..

i became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.

It could be a lifesaver.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotter66
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A man with a hole in his pocket...

Feels cocky.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Commment
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was young, I once asked my dad for a pocket calculator, but he said no.

He said, β€œWho cares how many pockets you have?”

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Police have been trying to catch a person stealing people's coins out of their pockets

But so far no change

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/korruption77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother always has hard candy inside a pocket of his 3-piece suit

He calls them β€œin vest mints”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uconnrob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a type of mushroom I bring everywhere, to dinner parties, bball games, work, they easily fit in my pocket

They're called portablebellos.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmokeRingHalo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Teacher - 'Johnny, if you had Β£10 in one pocket and Β£5 in your other pocket, what would you have?'

Johnny - 'Someone else's trousers on Miss.'

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just picked up her lighter and put it in her pocket...

...then looked at me and said "I'm packing heat"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreamsD351GN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a brassiere with pockets?

Totes bra.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSluagh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Minecraft Pocket Edition
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DTVoid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

The dirtiest clean joke I know...

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

Credit to Redd Foxx

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit4nag
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I left some change in my pants pocket

And now my wife is getting accused of laundering money

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m an ER nurse and I just found a rectal thermometer in my pocket.

Some asshole’s got my pen!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onejoelyrancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard Peter Dinklage got his pocket picked last week.

I mean, who would stoop so low?

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
At my funeral check my pockets.

I might still have your lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A tennis player is walking off the court and a guys asks him β€œWhat’s that in your pocket?” The player replies β€œtennis balls” . . .

The guy says β€œWell if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!!”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I forgot that I had stashed a small rounded bread from dinner in my back pocket when I sat down at the roulette table... I immediately started winning!

I was on a roll!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve kept the same mints in my pocket for as long as I can remember.

They’re meMentos.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadedShred
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Is that a sushi roll in your pocket?

Or are you just happy sashimi?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Confucius93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I went to a college visit, and in order to speed up the line for food I just grabbed some butter for my bagel and put it in my pocket

My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D

I’m so proud of her, I’ve raised her well

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/piiraka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat jolly man with no pocket change?

Saint Nickel-Less

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt_PoopyMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad and I were building a storage shed. His pocket starts to beep until I got annoyed. I said β€œDad, what is that beeping? Turn it off!”

He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says β€œSorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.”

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrOddYazz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do I carry a piece of bark around in my pocket?

It's just part of my shtick

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I had macaroni in my pocket

I replied β€œIt’s pastable”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wellbehavedbitch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't know why people carry pocket calculators

I can tell how many pockets I have without one.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ifcarscouldspeak
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Son to Dad: I desperately need some pocket protectors

Dad to Son: Yeah, you and Russell Wilson both

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ideomattic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I see a mime performing on the street, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the 8-ball go into the corner pocket?

It took its cue from the white ball.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Always empty your pockets before washing your clothes...

I hear money laundering is serious business

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fourcam
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I've been putting soap in my son's pockets for weeks, today he finally asked me why..

I replied, "Sorry son, I must have pocket-dialed you by mistake.."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Greyjeedai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

β€œSome asshole has my pen.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HalyconBolt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad if he could buy me a pocket calculator.

He said, β€œWhy? You don’t know how many pockets you have?”

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œBack in the day...” my grandfather started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

β€œBut today...” he continued. β€œWherever you go, there are cameras...”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report
You should always keep candy in your pocket

It could be a lifesaver

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatzombiemom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks

"Some asshole has my pen"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?

Some asshole has their pen.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fox3717
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I ate some eggs out of my pocket today.

They were eggs and lint.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/portalflight
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Is that a califorina roll in your pocket?

Or are you just happy sashimi

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zachynix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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