A man with a hole in his pocket...

Feels cocky.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Commment
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
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When I was young, I once asked my dad for a pocket calculator, but he said no.

He said, β€œWho cares how many pockets you have?”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad if he could buy me a pocket calculator.

He said, β€œWhy? You don’t know how many pockets you have?”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
Police have been trying to catch a person stealing people's coins out of their pockets

But so far no change

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/korruption77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
There's a type of mushroom I bring everywhere, to dinner parties, bball games, work, they easily fit in my pocket

They're called portablebellos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmokeRingHalo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
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My brother always has hard candy inside a pocket of his 3-piece suit

He calls them β€œin vest mints”.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uconnrob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.

It could be a lifesaver.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotter66
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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What do you call a brassiere with pockets?

Totes bra.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSluagh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

β€œSome asshole has my pen.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalyconBolt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Teacher - 'Johnny, if you had Β£10 in one pocket and Β£5 in your other pocket, what would you have?'

Johnny - 'Someone else's trousers on Miss.'

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I left some change in my pants pocket

And now my wife is getting accused of laundering money

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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My wife just picked up her lighter and put it in her pocket...

...then looked at me and said "I'm packing heat"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreamsD351GN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I’m an ER nurse and I just found a rectal thermometer in my pocket.

Some asshole’s got my pen!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejoelyrancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Minecraft Pocket Edition
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DTVoid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
You should always keep candy in your pocket

It could be a lifesaver

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatzombiemom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
At my funeral check my pockets.

I might still have your lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

The dirtiest clean joke I know...

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

Credit to Redd Foxx

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit4nag
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks

"Some asshole has my pen"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A tennis player is walking off the court and a guys asks him β€œWhat’s that in your pocket?” The player replies β€œtennis balls” . . .

The guy says β€œWell if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!!”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œBack in the day...” my grandfather started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

β€œBut today...” he continued. β€œWherever you go, there are cameras...”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I’ve kept the same mints in my pocket for as long as I can remember.

They’re meMentos.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadedShred
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I forgot that I had stashed a small rounded bread from dinner in my back pocket when I sat down at the roulette table... I immediately started winning!

I was on a roll!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Is that a sushi roll in your pocket?

Or are you just happy sashimi?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Confucius93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat jolly man with no pocket change?

Saint Nickel-Less

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt_PoopyMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Why do I carry a piece of bark around in my pocket?

It's just part of my shtick

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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Dad and I were building a storage shed. His pocket starts to beep until I got annoyed. I said β€œDad, what is that beeping? Turn it off!”

He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says β€œSorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrOddYazz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard Peter Dinklage got his pocket picked last week.

I mean, who would stoop so low?

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I had macaroni in my pocket

I replied β€œIt’s pastable”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wellbehavedbitch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I went to a college visit, and in order to speed up the line for food I just grabbed some butter for my bagel and put it in my pocket

My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D

I’m so proud of her, I’ve raised her well

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piiraka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Son to Dad: I desperately need some pocket protectors

Dad to Son: Yeah, you and Russell Wilson both

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ideomattic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I see a mime performing on the street, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't know why people carry pocket calculators

I can tell how many pockets I have without one.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ifcarscouldspeak
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?

Some asshole has their pen.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fox3717
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I ate some eggs out of my pocket today.

They were eggs and lint.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/portalflight
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you guys want some hot pockets?

Sorry. I only have cold pockets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_hacked_reddit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Did the laundry today and forgot my wallet in my pants pocket. Now im facing money laundering charges...
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rodney54
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Always empty your pockets before washing your clothes...

I hear money laundering is serious business

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourcam
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I've been putting soap in my son's pockets for weeks, today he finally asked me why..

I replied, "Sorry son, I must have pocket-dialed you by mistake.."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Greyjeedai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Is that a califorina roll in your pocket?

Or are you just happy sashimi

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zachynix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
🚨︎ report
In a bar a man kept pulling something out of his pocket and then asking for another drink. After 2 or 3 hours of this the bartender was curious and asked what he kept looking at after each drink.

Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Just because you guessed that I have a nickel and a penny in my pocket ...

... doesn't mean you have some sixth cents.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_snipeypants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the magician keep candy bars on his jacket pockets?

Because he always liked to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

Cross posted to r/jokes

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IDontClickAds
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

Sighs, and says "Crap, some asshole has my pen."

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
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My son had a dictionary in his pocket, so I said…

"Look at you, smarty pants!"

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2017
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Too late I realized the new jar of discount mayonnaise felt light. When I opened it up the pristine surface collapsed into a large air pocket.

Yes it was a sinkhole de mayo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JazzboTN
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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Why is it a good idea to have a pocket full of Ricolas when visiting a funeral home?

Because of all the coffins!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bon-Gina-Saves
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I was thinking of buying a pocket calculator.

but then I thought, "who cares how many pockets I have?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rozzelsniff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call the pocket change of a ship's commander?

The captain's quarters

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oktayey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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I found $25 in my raincoat pocket today!

I guess you could say I was saving it for a rainy day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monsterscantmeme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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I just farted and my wallet was in my back pocket.

At least I have gas money now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackies9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
🚨︎ report
I think the pocket protector is underrated

It's near and dear to my heart

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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An American guy called Hank pulled a tissue from his pocket.

Hank the Yankee yanked his hanky.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthart
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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my sister just said 'hey, these pants only have one back pocket."

I told her "right, butt... Do they have a left one?"

Actually occurrence, figured you would enjoy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simonster2002
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a box of Altoids in the pocket of a sleeveless jacket?

Investments

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
🚨︎ report
I was complaining to my dad that I had forgotten my matches after pulling my cigarettes from my pocket.

He said if you take one from the box and throw it away, it will become a cigaret lighter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Tut and Groan: Pocket Watch tutandgroan.com/pocket-wa…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tutandgroan
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2016
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend put my pants in the wash with cash in the pockets.

Me: Baby you know you're a criminal now? Her: What? Why? Me: For money laundering...

Her: Go make sure the door is locked

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeTheMadman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Who do you call a man with plastic bags in his pockets?

Russel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gotu_Jayle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2017
🚨︎ report
Watching Napolean Dynamite with the wife and he shoves tater tots in his pocket for later.

Later tots.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simplyeyc69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the obese man start carrying around a small bic in each pocket?

Because he was self conscious and just wanted to feel a little lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imnotwitty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Two teams fought in a small room using only their outfits and pocket change.

It was clothes-quarters combat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anderswag
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with leaves in his pocket?

Russel.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedispatcher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Next time I wash my pants, I'm gonna check my pockets for cash...

I wouldn't want to get arrested for money laundering.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grabyourpopcorn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
My buddy dropped this great line after I told him about the "Canada In Our Pockets" song.

Me: "You know what bothers me? We (Canadians) can't sing the "Canada In Our Pockets" song anymore because we can't say the lines "-A penny and a nickle and a quarter and a dime." We don't have pennies anymore :(

Him: Hmm, I guess your right. That just doesn't make any cents.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ninjanukk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
🚨︎ report
I guess I've just never read a Hot Pocket sleeve before...
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkmybffyossarian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2013
🚨︎ report
Was telling my roommate about my pocket knife

Me: "I used to have a pocket knife"

Roommate: "Used to?"

Me: "Yeah. But then it fell out of my pocket and now it's just a knife."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misskiss22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Going to the store when I dicovered I had $4 in my pocket and announced...

... I am Daddy Fourbucks.

They just did Annie at school so the groaning was even louder.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManOfLaBook
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
🚨︎ report
English Muffin Has A Big Air Pocket

Looks like you got one with the Grand Cranny

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tzberr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
🚨︎ report
My pocket watch necklace broke last week...

"I like your necklace! That style is timeless."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2013
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Dad keeping cookies and jokes in his back pocket

Dad grabbed some Nutter Butters and put them in his back pocket, then said, "I put the butt in Nutter Butter!" ...still not eating the cookie, dad

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LamePunslinger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
🚨︎ report

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