“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
Wouldn't that be a pocket pocket dimension?
A nurse looks in her pocket, and finds a rectal thermometer.
She says, in exasperation, “some arsehole’s got my pen.”
Why don't elephants have pockets?
Because they can store everything their trunk
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry..
i became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
A man with a hole in his pocket...
When I was young, I once asked my dad for a pocket calculator, but he said no.
He said, “Who cares how many pockets you have?”
I asked my dad if he could buy me a pocket calculator.
He said, “Why? You don’t know how many pockets you have?”
Police have been trying to catch a person stealing people's coins out of their pockets
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
There's a type of mushroom I bring everywhere, to dinner parties, bball games, work, they easily fit in my pocket
They're called portablebellos.
My brother always has hard candy inside a pocket of his 3-piece suit
He calls them “in vest mints”.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
What do you call a brassiere with pockets?
Teacher - 'Johnny, if you had £10 in one pocket and £5 in your other pocket, what would you have?'
Johnny - 'Someone else's trousers on Miss.'
My wife just picked up her lighter and put it in her pocket...
...then looked at me and said "I'm packing heat"
I left some change in my pants pocket
And now my wife is getting accused of laundering money
I’m an ER nurse and I just found a rectal thermometer in my pocket.
Some asshole’s got my pen!
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
The dirtiest clean joke I know...
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Credit to Redd Foxx
You should always keep candy in your pocket
At my funeral check my pockets.
I might still have your lighter.
A tennis player is walking off the court and a guys asks him “What’s that in your pocket?” The player replies “tennis balls” . . .
The guy says “Well if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!!”
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks
"Some asshole has my pen"
I forgot that I had stashed a small rounded bread from dinner in my back pocket when I sat down at the roulette table... I immediately started winning!
I’ve kept the same mints in my pocket for as long as I can remember.
Is that a sushi roll in your pocket?
Or are you just happy sashimi?
I heard Peter Dinklage got his pocket picked last week.
I mean, who would stoop so low?
What do you call a fat jolly man with no pocket change?
Why do I carry a piece of bark around in my pocket?
It's just part of my shtick
Dad and I were building a storage shed. His pocket starts to beep until I got annoyed. I said “Dad, what is that beeping? Turn it off!”
He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says “Sorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.”
Today I went to a college visit, and in order to speed up the line for food I just grabbed some butter for my bagel and put it in my pocket
My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D
I’m so proud of her, I’ve raised her well
My friend asked me if I had macaroni in my pocket
I replied “It’s pastable”
Son to Dad: I desperately need some pocket protectors
Dad to Son: Yeah, you and Russell Wilson both
I don't know why people carry pocket calculators
I can tell how many pockets I have without one.
Why did the 8-ball go into the corner pocket?
It took its cue from the white ball.
Whenever I see a mime performing on the street, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
Always empty your pockets before washing your clothes...
I hear money laundering is serious business
I ate some eggs out of my pocket today.
Did the laundry today and forgot my wallet in my pants pocket. Now im facing money laundering charges...
Do you guys want some hot pockets?
Sorry. I only have cold pockets.
I've been putting soap in my son's pockets for weeks, today he finally asked me why..
I replied, "Sorry son, I must have pocket-dialed you by mistake.."
Is that a califorina roll in your pocket?
Or are you just happy sashimi
In a bar a man kept pulling something out of his pocket and then asking for another drink. After 2 or 3 hours of this the bartender was curious and asked what he kept looking at after each drink.
Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket
Sighs, and says "Crap, some asshole has my pen."
Just because you guessed that I have a nickel and a penny in my pocket ...
... doesn't mean you have some sixth cents.
My son had a dictionary in his pocket, so I said…
"Look at you, smarty pants!"
Why did the magician keep candy bars on his jacket pockets?
Because he always liked to have a few Twix up his sleeve.
Cross posted to r/jokes
I was thinking of buying a pocket calculator.
but then I thought, "who cares how many pockets I have?"
Too late I realized the new jar of discount mayonnaise felt light. When I opened it up the pristine surface collapsed into a large air pocket.
Yes it was a sinkhole de mayo.
Why is it a good idea to have a pocket full of Ricolas when visiting a funeral home?
Because of all the coffins!
What do you call the pocket change of a ship's commander?
I just farted and my wallet was in my back pocket.
At least I have gas money now.
I found $25 in my raincoat pocket today!
I guess you could say I was saving it for a rainy day
I think the pocket protector is underrated
It's near and dear to my heart
my sister just said 'hey, these pants only have one back pocket."
I told her "right, butt... Do they have a left one?"
Actually occurrence, figured you would enjoy.
What do you call a box of Altoids in the pocket of a sleeveless jacket?
I was complaining to my dad that I had forgotten my matches after pulling my cigarettes from my pocket.
He said if you take one from the box and throw it away, it will become a cigaret lighter.
My girlfriend put my pants in the wash with cash in the pockets.
Me: Baby you know you're a criminal now?
Her: What? Why?
Me: For money laundering...
Her: Go make sure the door is locked
Who do you call a man with plastic bags in his pockets?
Watching Napolean Dynamite with the wife and he shoves tater tots in his pocket for later.
Why did the obese man start carrying around a small bic in each pocket?
Because he was self conscious and just wanted to feel a little lighter.
Two teams fought in a small room using only their outfits and pocket change.
It was clothes-quarters combat.
What do you call a man with leaves in his pocket?
My buddy dropped this great line after I told him about the "Canada In Our Pockets" song.
Me: "You know what bothers me? We (Canadians) can't sing the "Canada In Our Pockets" song anymore because we can't say the lines "-A penny and a nickle and a quarter and a dime." We don't have pennies anymore :(
Him: Hmm, I guess your right. That just doesn't make any cents.
Next time I wash my pants, I'm gonna check my pockets for cash...
I wouldn't want to get arrested for money laundering.
I guess I've just never read a Hot Pocket sleeve before...
Was telling my roommate about my pocket knife
Me: "I used to have a pocket knife"
Roommate: "Used to?"
Me: "Yeah. But then it fell out of my pocket and now it's just a knife."
Going to the store when I dicovered I had $4 in my pocket and announced...
... I am Daddy Fourbucks.
They just did Annie at school so the groaning was even louder.
English Muffin Has A Big Air Pocket
Looks like you got one with the Grand Cranny
My pocket watch necklace broke last week...
"I like your necklace! That style is timeless."
Dad keeping cookies and jokes in his back pocket
Dad grabbed some Nutter Butters and put them in his back pocket, then said, "I put the butt in Nutter Butter!"
...still not eating the cookie, dad
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”