The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
π︎ 14k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
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︎ Dec 17 2020
I was kidnapped by mimes once
They did unspeakable things to me
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π
︎ Oct 20 2020
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships...
I took gold, silver and bronze.
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︎ Dec 23 2020
I ate an optimist once...
But, I couldn't keep him down.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you canβt have your Kate and Edith too
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Once a man assaulted me with milk, cheese and butter
π︎ 68
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I started an Origami business once
Gave it up though, too much paperwork
π︎ 43
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︎ Dec 05 2020
A lumberjack once told me heβs cut down 27,562 trees
βHow do ya know exactly how many?β I inquired
Lumberjack: βEasy. I keep a log.β
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Went to Oklahoma once.
π︎ 33
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I met a midget once, our conversation was very awkward...
Iβm not very good at small talk.
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π
︎ Nov 29 2020
I once stopped and asked a Mandalorian for directions....
He pointed at the map and said, βThis is the way.β
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Did you know that Fruit of the Loom (TM) once took Hanes(TM) to court?
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 29 2020
I once tried to drink Canada Dry
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︎ Dec 12 2020
I held the nuts in a poker game once,
It meant a great deal to me.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
There was once a old grape farmer, who had gone through many droughts. When his grapes had fallen and dried out, all he could say was....
Everything happens for a raisin.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I went to a child psychologist once.
He was absolutely rubbish, he was only seven.
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︎ Dec 17 2020
It kinda spoils the ending of Revenge of the Sith once you realize...
they're not called the Order of the Jelive
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I caught the flu at an airport once.
It was a terminal illness.
(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
βExcuse me,β I said, βI couldnβt help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?β
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, βItβs Wales!β
βNo offense intended,β I replied. βPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?β
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︎ Dec 25 2020
A surgeon told me a story about how he dropped a tool into a patients stomach once.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
As a child a friend hit my left eyeball with hammer once
It has really impacted my outlook on life
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I once did a theatrical performance about puns.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 11 2020
I ate a clock once
It didnβt taste too bad, but it was time consuming...
π︎ 41
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︎ Oct 25 2020
I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.
π︎ 23
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I once saw a woman punch a Mall Santa in the face.
But he did call her a "ho" like three times.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Mona Lisa was once accused of murder....
Turns out, she was framed.
π︎ 72
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
I once knew a guy who was a pilot but he wasn't very bright.
All of his friends called him plain stupid.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
I once knew this guy who hated all high-range instruments.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
I once read a book about WD-40.
It was in the non-friction section.
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π
︎ Oct 17 2020
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I once tried to blow up a car
Burnt my lips on the exhaust pipe
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π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I dated a minor once
He was practically inseparable from his pickaxe
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist
You know, one crazy ass doctor
π︎ 20
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
I was having dinner with two Pastors once.
I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"
(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 16 2020
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
My dad once told me he had really good genes.
βI thought they only had two pockets,β I said.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I once stole a thesaurus.. but...
I took it back because I felt sorrowful, grieved, contrite, apologetic, regretful, and remorse
π︎ 21
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I entered a pooping contest once
π︎ 119
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My chemistry professor once said, "I teach better when I'm drinking!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying heβd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around, eventually.
π︎ 16k
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︎ May 17 2020
Met a guy named Mushroom once.
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 14 2020
A wise man once gave me the 3 unwritten rules of life
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I was addicted to soap once.
π︎ 11k
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︎ May 07 2020
I once met a polygamous farmer.
He had a concubine harvester.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
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