Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
Why won't the bird defense attorney speak to more than one crow at a time?
Because anything more than one is murder.
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
My dad was an organ player at basketball games, one time something got stuck on the organ and it made such a loud sound he sadly died.
The death was listed as “organ failure”
At a rock concert one time, I saw a girl with a gold spiked necklace.
I thought “wow, that’s pretty metal.”
At one time, I had a strongly desired goal of owning a plumbing supply company...
I guess it was just a pipe dream.
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
It’s called the Redundant-Sea.
Helping the economy one job at a time
My bf sends me at least one of these a week. I fall for them every time! Explanation in the comments.
I really hate vacuuming the stairs but I'm taking it one step at a time
Every time I go to my therapist, I stand in one corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
This one time when I was still a kid, my younger sister got very mad at me for making silly noises. To show our parents that her ensuing fit of anger wasn't as annoying as my goofing off, my sister said,
"Well at least I'm not walking around the house going "Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr!"
To which my dad said,
"Yes you are".
I only buy one pear at a time
They should be sold in pairs
One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blänket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
I diagnosed myself with a form of ADD where I keep too many browser tabs open at one time...
Now if I can only find the WebMD page...
"The way Hulu works, only one person can watch at one time." - me
My dad responds with "So if there are two of us in the same room, Hulu will not work."
My 6yo son me. Me: "Don't eat all of those Swedish fish at once you get a stomachache." Him: "I won't Daddy. I'll eat them one at a time."
This one time at band camp...
Taking life one muffin at a time may leave you with muffin left.
Is an explanation really necessary for this?
My dad dropped this one in the elevator... I literally cringed and laughed at the same time
I was helping my grandmother with one of those elevators for the elderly and the disabled, and in order to make it go up, I had to keep a button pressed down.
Me: Hey, dad! Look at how good I am at this. Perhaps I should get job as an elevator operator.
Dad: Son, don't go down that road, it's not a good job.
Me: And why is that?
Dad: I heard it has lots of ups and downs!
I like meeting people at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time
For the 2nd time in 4 years, I got my girlfriend to laugh at one of my daily dad jokes! Hope you like it too.
We are watching a dumb hallmark Christmas movie and the main guy owns a coffee shop. He is getting married and I make fun of the fact that his vows are all coffee puns.
So my girl yells, "well, he is a coffee person!"
Me- "no babe, he is just a human person."
(Her laugh was really a slight chuckle and a "you're so dumb", but dammit, I am taking the win!)
Here's one for the next time you're at the zoo
What's the opposite of an Okapi?
An Original.
(My buddy who's not even a dad yet made that one up at the Okapi enclosure at San Diego zoo)
My dad, /every/ time he gets one of those wireless card readers to pay for bills at restaurants:
takes reader from waitress and holds to ear
"Hello?"
He was beyond proud of this one and laughed at his own joke for a long time
Grandmother: This dip is made mostly from horseradish and sour cream
Dad: Mmm, you can really taste the horse!
Ruining friendships one dad joke at a time.
>Driving past a fancy looking building under construction.
Friend: What is that?
Me: ...looks like a building...
And that's how I got thrown out of a moving vehicle.
Discovered this at 30 yrs old. I have a life time of built up dad jokes. Here's one from first grade. (under de sea)
First grade, I'm in the school play because, well, every one was. I can sing, always have been pretty good at it, so they gave me the job of playing Sebastian in our Little Mermaid rendition. We're singing "Under the Sea" and I look out to the audience to see my dad, in the front row, making the biggest, puffiest fish face his head will physically allow. I haven't done much acting since then.
Hey Dads, here's one for the next time you eat at a fancy restaurant.
A Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, a Korean guy and a Vietnamese guy go to a fancy restaurant.
The host tells then they can't come in. He says, "Sorry guys, I can't let you in without a Thai."
One of my older friends who has been a dad (he housed an exchange student with his wife) says this every time we are at the pool.
Friend: Is this a pool or an ool?
Me: What's an ool?
Friend: A pool with no P in it.
me: ..... ha.. ha.....
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