In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ€”-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did one person say to another in the case of an earthquake?

"I don't think you understand the magnitude of the situation were in"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ki11ah75
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
One of my friends just told me how they broke their phone even though it was in a shock absorbing case.

It was quite a break thru. A shocking discovery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AManInATopHat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The first one says β€œbro give me up please” just in case you don’t understand my handwriting
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/27aryaan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
🚨︎ report
If I buy another Versa, in case the one I have breaks... reddit.com/r/fitbit/comme…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikeisnowonfire
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
🚨︎ report
in case no one told you today... imgur.com/BsY2ogU
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fransaraco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
🚨︎ report
In case you haven't seen this one on Wolfram Alpha
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zap-Brannigan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2012
🚨︎ report
Why does a golfer always wear two pairs of pants?

In case he gets a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
When I go golfing, I always take an extra jacket

In case I get a hole in one.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
not a dad but got all my comedic sensibilities from one

i work at a liquor store. i was stabbing the plastic top of a case of tall boys open with a boxcutter (with GUSTO & PANACHE) and one of my regulars came in , saw me, and asked

"jeez, what are you tryna do, kill em?" & i said without hesitation

"well you cant drink them while theyre still alive,"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.

One shows the other a prototype thermometer.

"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."

The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.

"OK, what temperature is it?"

"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.

"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"

"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:

β€œIt’s not the fox, since those are quiet. It’s also most likely not the monkeys, because these types sleep well.”

They have a conversation like this, but the zookeeper keeps on wanting to talk about his elephant, which he loved and thought would never want to wake him up. The expert notices and plays along for a while, avoiding the subject until all other animals are no longer a suspect. The expert finally gets tired and asks the zookeeper:

β€œAre we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/murlockerLOL
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve always been super confused as to why my dad always brings an extra pair of socks to the golf course.

According to him, it’s in case he gets a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whiplash1911
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on a roll last night.

My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:

Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)

Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )

Then during bathtime:

Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)

Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)

Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)

Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolutely killed)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dat_asthma
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
🚨︎ report
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ€”-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefullyβ€”-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants

In case they get a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurnedTatti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
When I go golfing I always take an extra jacket...

In case I get a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do golfers wear two pairs of socks ?

In case they get a hole in one !

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If you go golfing, make sure to wear two pair of pants

In case you get a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shalopalop
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SyncingShiip
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing

In case I get a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I took two pairs of socks golfing

In case I got a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-m-meeseeks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever I go golfing, I bring an extra pair of pants

Just in case I get a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks...

In case I get a hole in one...

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I wear two pairs of pants when I play golf

Just in case I get a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ootz1986
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guyshu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?

Just in case you get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 413
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When you buy two puppies, name them One and Two.

In case you lose one, you still have two.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyStar1991
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

β€œGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

β€œSon I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

β€œListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

β€œHey there,” says the recruit. β€œis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”

The crewman says β€œOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?

Just in case you get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?

Just in case you get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
You should always wear two pairs of pants when golfing

In case you get a hole in one!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllDaveAllNight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?

Just in case you get a hole in one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?

Just in case you get a hole in one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants

In case they get a hole in one

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyBreadWet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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I always take two pairs of trousers with me when I play golf.

Just in case I get a hole in one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.

Just in case he gets a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinityglitches
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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