One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
When is the one time you can't dance to hip hop?
When you're waiting for your hip op
Did you hear about the guy who only dated women named Esther, sometimes more than one at a time?
He identified as poly-Esther
Knew an bird watcher who lived so long he saw every bird except one. On his deathbed he was asked if he thought he used his time well
He said he had no Egretes
There is a religious veterinarian who has a strict rule that only one vet can work on large animals at a time
Because it is a sin to co-vet an oxen or donkey.
The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
Negative one times negative one
Felt like posting something positive today
I grilled up some fish for dinner for a friend one time, they told me they didn't eat seafood.
I told them it was fine, because I caught the fish in a lake.
How much time is in one communist day?
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Why won't the bird defense attorney speak to more than one crow at a time?
Because anything more than one is murder.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
You know, it seems like every time I kill a gnat, another one appears.
So, I guess you could say they're appearing at the drop of a gnat.
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
Clothes drying was one of the most pioneering technologies of our time.
They were the first to go online.
One time in my anatomy class, we dissected a sheep brain and I have to admit, I felt a bit sheepish about it.
Sorry, that was just a ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-d joke.
One of my friends brags all the time that he can make a perfect circle
I went to this restaurant called Warren one time in college
It really was a terrible buffet
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
One of the greatest NBA teams of all time, the 98 Chicago Bowls
During my time as a PhD student I used to draw stupid puns on the whiteboard. This is one of my favourites.
There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?
My dad was an organ player at basketball games, one time something got stuck on the organ and it made such a loud sound he sadly died.
The death was listed as “organ failure”
I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
My dad and I went hunting one time. We saw a sign that said "bear left"
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
One of my all time favorites
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
At a rock concert one time, I saw a girl with a gold spiked necklace.
I thought “wow, that’s pretty metal.”
the best one i've seen in a long time
I bought shoes from a drug dealer one time
Idk what he laced them with, I was tripping all day!
One of the greatest leaders of our time
If you get this pun, you have saved me the time of writing a good title. And if you save me even one second, you have saved my day entire.
v.redd.it/feo6wfvmmco31
At one time, I had a strongly desired goal of owning a plumbing supply company...
I guess it was just a pipe dream.
One time I got in a fight with a guy named Lance. He had a twin brother named Lee. I punched Lance in the face, not realizing it was his brother who I had punched.
I said "I thought you were Lance, I apologize sinceyourelee".
I had a friend that went to space one time
I told him he was out of this world!
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
